non-binary → phan (on hold)

11. quiet talks

i had never felt more awkward while laying in a bed with someone. i knew phil and i both hadn't slept, both of us laying on our backs and staring at my ceiling, but neither of us spoke a word. the silence of the world just outside of my window didn't help either.

 it was at three in the morning that phil turned on his side to face me. "dan? are you okay?" 

my eyebrows raised. "yeah, why wouldn't i be?" 

"i didn't mean only right now. i meant overall." he turned to lay on his back again. "about billie, about college, about the way people react to who you are, just life in general. how are you?" 

i stayed silent, palms flat against my stomach. my ceiling had suddenly become so much more interesting, as did the sounds of crickets outside, and i suddenly wished i was one of them. "i'm fine. it's not like there's something severely wrong with me. i'm sad about billie leaving, but that's something out of everyone's control, really. college is stressful for everyone but it's not too bad."

i chewed on the inside of my cheek. "as for people, i'm happy to have the supportive people that i have. i'm lucky to have them. as much as it hurts having people that hate me, and talk shit about me, i try not to think about that too much because there are some people like me who don't have people that support them." 

"yeah," phil said, breathing deeply through his nose. "if i could have a superpower, i would have the power to teleport to all of the people that don't have somebody like billie or connor or me or-"

"okay, phil, i get it." i laughed, phil's giggle softening the awkward tension of the room.

"okay, but really," phil sat up, turning to face me. "i would teleport to the ends of the earth just to help the people that need it most!"

"this is why i love you, phil." 

phil's eyes widened, as did mine. i sat up, pressing my back against the headboard of my bed. "i-i mean, i didn't- i don't know what i'm talking about. it's really late, well, technically it's really early in the morning. we should go to bed. i have college at one tomorrow so i say that i should really be going to sleep, so-"

"dan," phil gently whispered, placing a comforting had on my own. "it's okay, whether you meant it platonically or not. i love you too." 

finally, phil had fallen asleep, my head resting against his shoulder and his hand wrapped in mine. i eventually joined him in sleep, pretty thoughts of phil's eyes and his soft hands enveloping my mind in a beautiful dream.

⌲

i woke up the next morning immediately faced with doe brown eyes staring into my own. tae was sitting on both phil and i, eyes wide in pure wonder. he was clutching onto the sleeve of my jumper with one hand, chewing on the opposite hand's sweater paw. his lip hung loosely around the fabric once he noticed i was awake. 

i glared at him, but instantly smiled the minute he uttered a soft "it's snowing! it's white and fluffy outside!" and jumped off of my bed, running out to wake connor. i remembered billie saying that tae's favorite season was autumn, but that he got excited every time he saw snow.

i sighed and looked to phil, who was slowly beginning to wake up. "phil, wake up. it's snowing and we have to take the child outside." 

"that wasn't in the broadcast." phil ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his tired eyes. "do we have to take him outside? can't connor just take him out? i love snow but it's going to be cold out there and this bed is very warm." 

i shrugged. "i guess, but only if connor wants to. we could probably just stay inside and make coffee." 

phil and i stepped into the living room, tae pulling on a pair of shoes with connor scrolling through his phone next to him. he smiled at us. "do you have a hat i could borrow, dan? and some gloves? i have some of my own but they're all at home. i wasn't expecting the sky to ejaculate."

phil started choking on his spit again. i frowned at connor. "what have you been teaching him?" 

connor placed his hand against his chest. "i'm offended that you would blame me for teaching him that. even though i did." he stood up, placing his phone in his back pocket. "now give tae a hat and gloves before i steal your animal crackers."

"it's not the animal crackers i'm worried about," i said, huffing. i turned to tae. "follow me. i might need some help finding what you're looking for. phil, make the coffee!" 

"i want hot chocolate!" tae shouted, jumping off of the couch and running to my room.

⌲

i sat by the window, fingers curled around a warm mug of coffee, forehead pressed against the freezing glass. i watched connor shove tae playfully into a pile of snow, the latter laughing with a rectangular smile. phil stood behind me. though he wasn't touching me, i could feel heat emanating off of him. i sighed, turning to face him. "phil, how do you feel about me?" 

phil looked taken aback by my question. he opened his mouth but quickly shut it, pressing his closed lips against the rim of the mug. when he spoke, his voice was muffled by the ceramic. "i'm confused by your question."

"do you think of me as a friend or as more than a friend?" i asked, turning my attention back to the two playing outside. tae's snowball had struck connor in the back of the head. 

"dan, i-" phil took in a deep breath, sitting down on the arm of the couch. "i really don't know. there are times where i'm so happy to have you as a friend, but there are also times where i just really wish we were more than that. it's frustrating." his eyes widened. "i hope this doesn't make things awkward between the two of us." 

i stood from my spot next to the window and walked slowly over to the couch. i sat on the small space next to phil and leaned my head against his shoulder in comfort. "i understand, phil. it's okay. and don't worry about it being awkward. i feel the same honestly." 

"it's confusing," phil said, nodding his head. he tapped my mug. "you want more coffee? you're running pretty low." 

"of course i do." 

⌲

author's note! i would say that this is a filler chapter but it also isn't a filler chapter and i'm confused by it??? plus the cover changed w o w

sorry if it seemed like it's been a while since i last updated. even though it probably hasn't been that long. we had a speaker come talk to us about teen suicide and mental health and he really changed my way of thinking about things. like, he wasn't like most other speakers that say "if you fall, you get back up" because he taught us how to get back up.

it was kind of sad though, because the only reason he was able to come was because a kid in my school made the forever decision to end his life and so many people were crying and i was crying and it was just aljdfakjdf it was so sad i'm still sad because of it

ok really long author's note hh ily all, bye
-di