non-binary → phan (on hold)

12. dismal departure

warning: homophobic slurs and homophobic assholes and verbal violence

billie wrapped her arms around my neck tightly. tae had his hands curled into the back of my shirt to keep from falling to the ground, his forehead pressed between my shoulder blades. both were crying, tears from both sides wetting my shirt, leaving little tiny drops on the black fabric. a tear of my own fell, sliding down my cheek and onto billie's silvery-blonde hair. 

"i wish i could at least spend christmas with you guys," she whispered against my chest, voice shaking. phil was standing beside me, rubbing our shoulders in what was supposed to be comfort, but ended up being terribly awkward. "i'm sorry that i have to leave." 

i smiled sadly. "hey, it's okay. we're going to miss you, but your family misses you and it's about time you moved back to america anyway. i guess it's a good thing you're going to the same school, kinda, sorta." 

"it's not the same school. it's just in the same area. some of the people from my old school are going to the school." she pulled back from the hug and looked me in the eye. "but i guess that is a good thing. they should be comfortable with me and i should be with them, since we've all gone to the same school since kindergarten." she turned to phil. "it's your turn for a goodbye hug, philly boy." 

as they were embracing, i turned to comfort tae, who had been crying since billie got into phil's car. his crying had slowed down for a short amount of time, but had returned to sobbing the second billie said, "i'll miss ya, tae. i love you. goodbye for now. don't let those meanies at school getcha, alright?" 

he stared at the ground, slowly letting my twisted up shirt slide out of his grasp. i ran a hand through his soft hair and smiled. "i know you're sad, but try to calm down for just a little bit, alright? you want to be able to remember the last time you see billie before she leaves for a while." 

he nodded and sniffled, calming down his tears as best as he could by chewing on the paw of his sweater and humming a song. i turned to billie, who had since moved on to hugging connor and yelling at alfie and zoe over connor's shoulder to stop crying because "we've had enough of that!" 

we hadn't asked alfie and zoe to come along, but none of us were complaining, especially billie (who had grown closer to the two over the months of november and most of december). they had given billie so many little things that day in hopes that she wouldn't ever forget any of them. billie, in tears, promised us that it would be impossible to forget.

zoe had also taken an extreme liking to tae, acting as if he was her little cub and she was the mama bear. she bought him a donut and hot chocolate and other sweet things and stayed as close to him as possible in hopes of making him smile. tae liked her a lot, but he chose to stay near phil and me, hugging onto us like a koala.

billie stepped back from us, snapping my attention back to her. she wiped a tear from her cheek as she looked to the lady by the gate who was letting people into the gate. billie's flight class was close to being called. she turned back to us. "merry christmas. i'll see you guys as soon as possible." 

i watched her step out of our sight, carry-on bag hanging from one of her shoulders. for the first time since billie said she was moving, i pressed the palm of my hands against my eyes and began crying, phil wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing my head against his chest. i was in awkward position, my neck craning downwards dramatically, but i didn't have the heart to move. "we have to go now, dan. there's no point in staying here any longer."