The Playlist of Us

t w o » to my soul - jerry folk

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T W O »

TO MY SOUL – JERRY FOLK

"You bring me comfort to my soul"

It's been a week since Wes came over and delivered the CD and I can't say I've listened to any of the songs or even opened the playlist. The only thing stopping me from throwing the damn thing out is the look on Wes' face.

It was like some witch had stirred up a cauldron of hope, desperation and everything dangerous and had poured and trapped it in his eyes, almost overpowering the familiar chocolate.

Maybe I should just listen to the playlist.

It can't be that much worse then all I have been doing; holing my self up in my room and only occasionally letting Wes in, maybe my parents if it's a good day.

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. I look at the time and realise it's mum dropping off dinner. She gave up trying to come in without first being invited a long time ago.

I open the door a little and grab the food off the small table to the right of my door, put there exactly for this purpose. The sweet smell of the soup overwhelms my senses and I almost drop the bowl at it's scalding temperature.

I retreat back into my room, placing it on my desk with the intention of leaving it there to eat in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep. Eating it then distracts my mind from whatever dream I just woke up from.

I'm not hungry now anyway.

My mind launches itself back into it's previous train of thought.

I've tried to let my parents come in and out as they wish but I just couldn't handle it. The look on their face every time they are within my vicinity. It's a look that says they blame themselves. It says exactly what they have been thinking; that they could have stopped me from going out that night or they could have offered to pick me up or made sure I wouldn't be alone or whatever else their anguished minds might come up with.

Every time I see that look I hate this whole situation even more and it just keeps eating me up inside, like a lion finally feasting after days of starvation, leaving behind the void where my heart chips away into. Of course this led me to just not let them in to my room almost not at all.

Or in other words it led me to find another method of running away, of pushing everyone away, of pushing myself and any chance of hope further away.

And of course it just reinforced that trying only results in more pain. I tried to be open with my parents but it only led to hurting, on both parties.

The look in Wes' eyes though. Maybe its just as painful to see that look then it would be to try.

In a sudden burst, I pick myself up from my spot on the ground, grab the CD, open my laptop and insert it.

Before I open the first file, I take a deep breath.

This is for Wes.

I open the file and begin to read it.