The Playlist of Us

e i g h t

E I G H T

"Hey, are you alright?" He sounded a little flustered.

He must be ringing about my text. I read through it in my head. That would have been a weird text to receive out of the blue. He must be worried.

"Yeah, no I'm fine," sensing he wanted more of an explanation I continue, "I've just been going through the playlist and it just opened my eyes a little. I've kind of left you behind. This isn't only hard on me."

He laughs. He isn't laughing at me it was just a soft chuckle to himself.

"What?" I ask, slightly confused.

"Nothing, this playlist just seems to actually be helping you. I wasn't sure it would."

"What do you mean?"

He has been so hopeful, I thought he expected it to help.

"I don't know, but I can tell you've come out of your bubble a little, like you actually spoke or in this case sent a message about me," he stops almost cutting himself off, but then continues, 'wow, that sounds bad but you know what I mean right?"

I pause a moment. I did know what he meant, it's what I meant too when I said I had left him behind.

I have become only about me, and he is right it did sound wrong but only because it was wrong.

"Yeah," I mutter quietly into the phone, "I'm sorry."

We were both silent.

I know he has accepted my apology, he had accepted it before I said it and he knew he didn't need to tell me. I was apologising for my sake more then his.

I need to forgive myself more then he needs to forgive me.

"Tell me what it's like," he says a little unsure.

"What what's like."

I know exactly what he was referring to but I need to stall for a little bit, ready myself for the journey I was about to go on.

He doesn't reply, just waits. He knows me; he knows I won't tell him if its too much and knows that by asking what he meant I'm only preparing myself.

"It's like," I start, "falling endlessly and not knowing how you feel about it. It's like being frustrated at everything one moment, running your mind around in circles then just numb the next. It's like being trapped in your own skin, jumping at every little thing and every other thing forming a ball of anxiety within you. And well within you there's nothing, a void.

"It's like craving people but not being able to stand them when they are there. It's not being able to touch without flinching, not being able to look someone in the eyes without a more then uncomfortable sensation crawling over your bones. It's like knowing that can't be possible because there is no bone, you are empty inside; there is nothing.

"It's like knowing there's something wrong with you but not knowing what or how to fix it. It's hating yourself and forgetting that this isn't even who you are. It's convincing yourself, in the safety of the sunlight, that you are not nothing but then at night not being able to deny that you are in fact nothing."

I am shaking, I don't know how long it took me to go through that but I know I spoke very slowly. I can feel myself sinking further within myself and I wish that I was instead sinking into the carpet beneath me.

It is silent on the other end of the line, except for the sound of... keys? Then a door opening and closing. Then another but it sounded like a different door. I concentrated on the sounds, distracting myself from what I had just uttered.