Friday Night Dinner

The Bitch

"Why did you get a manual? We stalled for a good 20 seconds at the lights" I asked Jonny as I exited the car. Pusface, Pissface and I were bringing over some Chinese for dinner since Martin was cooking tonight.

"Because he's a shit driver," Pusface replied. Before Jonny could hit him, a car came whizzing around us at an enormous and illegal speed.

"Woah! We're in a car park try keeping it under 80, you cunnn-!" I yelled at the Mercedes. Wait, shit. The drivers coming out.

"Is that?-" Adam started, "shit. Mrs. Bloom!" He panicked and got back into our car. What's that going to achieve? She can still see him! He was frozen like a deer in the headlights.

"You...stupid-open the door!" Shit she's storming towards Jonny. Adam's idea of locking himself in the car didn't seem so stupid now.

"What did you call me?" The short woman in leopard print leggings asked a terrified Jonny.

"N-n-nothing! I didn't-I didn't do any-" Jonny struggled. I was hiding behind the car and my back was beginning to ache from crouching.

"One of you little...shits! Assaulted m-hang on, you're Martin's kid aren't you?" Her tone flipped from Hades to Aphrodite. Seriously, she touched Jonny's face, this only made him more horrified.

"What's happening?" Adam rolled down the window slightly and whispered. I just got out my perfume and sprayed it into his eyes as fast as I could. He rolled the window back up and I could hear him coughing, which meant Sheila could hear him as well.

"Is that Jonny?" She asked.

"Adam. I'm Jonny" my boy replied. This old hat is really bothering me, he's clearly uncomfortable at her advances, I mean...take a hint.

"I'm Vivian. Valerie's daughter," I went to shake her hand but the bitch didn't even receive it. I gulped down my rage as I looked to her closeness to Jonny. Her saggy breasts were practically on him, gross. I made eye contact with Jonny and tilted my head as if to say 'let's go' but her heel was actually on his foot. Why he decided to were socks and sandals right after work, I'll never know.

"Oh yes. Valerie, I remember her," her mouth turned into a snarl as she looked at me from head to toe, "you look like her, send the tart my best wishes"

"You can pray them to the tart" I lied about mums death. It's a dark topic, but it always seems to stop conversation. Sheila stepped say from Jonny, shocked.

"Oh my. How did she pass?" No empathy whatsoever. Just a gossipy diva.

"She was hit by a car. Specifically a Porsche that was driven by this old hag, we sued but we couldn't save her. The woman died 2 months after Mum, in a freak accident because she was speeding" she was freaked out now.

"Tell your parents I said hi" she walked off.

Adam came out of the car coughing and wheezing. He took his puffer a few times before storming towards me. "Why did you do that? I could have died!" He was being melodramatic with his arm movements. This attracted the attention of some men walking passed the Chinese place.

"I'm sorry sir, do I know you?" I put on a facade. The men stopped.

"What are you talking about?!" Adam got closer and more aggravated.

"Oi! You got a problem?" One of the two men spoke. Adam's tone changed significantly, he backed away and bumped into the car.

"What? Yeah-no! We're fine! We're friends!"

"This guy bothering you, sweetheart?"

"Nah, he's okay. Thank you" may have gone too far with that.

After getting the Chinese and coming home, there was a ring at the door.
"Oh don't they know it's Friday night? Adam would you go get the door?" Aunty Jack asked.

"Of course your majesty" Adam groaned and got up. Jim and Wilson had entered the dining room moments later, "Jim's here"

"And Wilson, hello all. He-hello Jackie"
Jim did his little bow, Aunty Jack gave her best fake smile.

"Hi Jim, what can I do for you?" She replied.

"Well, I was wondering if I could get your advice on some clothes"

"Cloves? Like the best to use?" Martin interjected.

"Clothes, Dad. You got a big date Jim?" Jonny joked. Jim nodded with pride.

"Yes I do. Her name is Kim and we're going out to a restaurant"

"Oh that's lovely, Jim. Do you have a picture of the clothes you'd like to wear or" Aunty Jack started.

"Oh, no no. I've got it all on underneath" Jim spoke as he began unbutton his huge coat.

"Oh my god it's happening," Adam whispering, "we're going to see his cock"

"Remember the red paint?" Jonny shuddered, as did I.

"Yeah, you didn't have to take a picture of the man" I replied.

"Can anyone else hear 'sss psss psspss'?" Martin dug his finger into his ear. The boys and I shut up while Jim took his clothes off. He was wearing 3 tops and 2 pairs of trousers. When he was down to his last layer he posed.

"That's great Jim! I think she'll love a nice top and some trousers. We have to get back to dinner now" Jackie tried getting rid of him.

"Alright, just one second! Come Wilson!" Jim left and Wilson laid on the floor, Jim returned with a lady. She was wearing a big raincoat, "now I'd like you to tell Kim what works best. I won't look, I promise" Jim covered his eyes.

"I-I don't know how to react, what do I do?" I whispered to the boys. We all just kept smiling and eating. Martin was totally oblivious to what was going on next to him. Jackie kept trying to get rid of Jim and his date. She was an exact copy of Jim, squinting eyes, big grandma glasses and a bowl cut. Her voice was so quiet, I don't think Martin knew she was in the room.

"That's a lovely dress, you both look so lovely. Right everyone?" Aunty Jack asked the room.

"Lovely" Jonny mocked.

"Really lovely" Adam did too.

"Loveliest couple" I made up on the spot. I nudged Martin, who was fingering the tomato sauce.

"Ah! What was that for?!" He stood up with ketchup on his shirt. It was only a few dots. When he turned he yelped and jumped back and fell into my lap.

"Oh hello" I pushed him back up.

"Who are you? What are you doing in my house?"

"Martin, don't be so rude! This is Kim, Jim's girlfriend"

"Ooh! Girlfriend" Kim and Jim cheered quietly in unison.

"And who may I ask is the lovely lady sitting next to you Martin?" Jim asked.

"Seriously?" Jonny commented, "it's my girlfriend-"

"Ooh! Girlfriend" Adam and I mocked them quickly.

"Viv...do you not remember her from your thousands of visits?" Jonny scoffed. He was being quite rude now. Maybe it's in the ketchup.

"Oh yes, sorry Fif. My memory doesn't work so well nowadays, woops. Well we'd better be on our way, on our very romantic date. Bye all" Jim excused himself and left clothes in the corridor.

"Bye all" Kim walked out with him.

After they shut the front door Aunty Jack spoke, "I think that's his sister".