Kenney: Still Waters Part 2

Chapter 64

When I woke up, I thought that I was still staring into my sister's eyes. It shocked me when I realized that it was mama's eyes that I was looking into, and that she had her hands on my face. I jerked back.

Hurt like shit.

"You were crying," mama said quietly. "In your sleep." She wiped away a tear with her thumb.

I just stared at her. She seemed fully coherent. I mean, she was most of the time, but she had been slightly off ever since Angel...

"Ma..."

"Hi baby." She smiled at me and continued to wipe the tears from my face with her hands.

I looked over by the door and saw Jazz sitting quietly in the chair furthest from me. I wondered how long she had been there and how long I had been out. She had that haunted, terrified look that I hated, and her eyes were huge like she expected Rico to walk in any minute. But she was also giving me a steady gaze and looked less...high...than usual.

So at least that was something.

"Mama..."

I took her hand away from my face and held it. She was making me uncomfortable, stroking my face like that. She almost never touched me. Never. She hadn't since before Sammy died. Charity usually didn't either. I looked back over at Jazz. She looked real sober, actually. I wondered again how long I had been out. Jazz didn't ever really hug me, either, after that...weird shit went down. But I could tell sometimes she wanted to. She just didn't. She always rubbed my scar, though, which irked the shit out of me. But I knew when she got too nervous, that made her calm, so I just let her do it.

Thinking about how Jazz almost sold her soul to me for one rock, I got extremely uncomfortable and let go of mama's hand. Jazz may have known what I was thinking, because she quickly averted her eyes and wiped away a tear. Then she wiped away another one. When she couldn't hold them back anymore, she hid behind her hands and stayed there. Charity went over and stood next to her, but she didn't touch her. They weren't very affectionate with Jazz, either. Maybe Charity and mama thought me and Jazz had demons on us, and that they would jump off onto them if they touched us.

Watching Jazz break put my heart in a place that it hadn't been in a very long time. I'd had to harden up early in life, and I had to stop feeling bad about the things that we were doing a long time ago. I had to, or I wouldn't have made it. But suddenly my heart felt...too heavy. Too heavy. I couldn't take it. I felt like the rest of me was sinking down with it.

I couldn't breathe.

I was under water and I couldn't breathe.

I needed help.

"Mama..." I tried to hold back the tears. "Mama...I fucked up..."

I never cursed at mama. No one did. But I couldn't help it.

"What is it baby?" She started wiping at my tears again and tried to reach for my hands. I pulled them away.

"I have blood on my hands, mama."

Jazz looked up quickly and stared at me like don't you say another word. But I couldn't stop myself. It was just like in my dream when I was talking to Sammy. I had to tell her.

I had to get it out of me.

"I did so much dirt, mama." I started crying harder. What the hell was going on? I couldn't control myself. I tried, though. I didn't want mama to check out on me if I stressed her out too bad. I needed her to stay in the present right then. We all did.