Hopeless I ; Phan ~ completed

~ Ch. 33 ~

~ Dan Howell ~

I'm frozen in fear, as his hand is under my shirt and the other is holding my arms down. My heart begins to pound out of my chest and my eyes fill with tears. "Just enjoy the ride." He mutters, taking his hand from under my shirt and putting around my neck instead.

"D-Don't." I beg, gasping for air. In a minute or so, I seem to break from the paralyzing fear and push up against him."G-Get off me!"

"Come on.. Pretty boy." He says softly, the tone sending a chill down my spine. "Just go back to sleep, yeah?"

"Fuck. Off." I shout, pulling my hands free and pushing him over.

I sit up quickly, grabbing my phone and rushing out of the room. I slam the door shut and lean back against it, letting out a relieved sob. I rush down the hall to the bathroom and go in, locking the door.

To : Doddle 🌻 - Tyler 🏳️‍🌈- Philly 🦁💘

Me- please gyys

Me- somebody please text baxk

Me- please.

I wait a few seconds, staring down at the glowing screen. A teardrop falls onto the glass and I stare down at it with blurred vision. I suddenly feel sicker than I have all day. I can't get the feeling of him off me. I sit there, staring at the wall, tears pouring from my eyes as I am frozen in shock. I keep replaying the situation in my mind, over and over and over again.

Before I know it, I can't breathe. My throat feels like its closing in on me. My mouth is dry and I'm gasping for breath in between sobs. I feel the panic arise in my chest and theres nothing I can do to stop it. I try to calm myself down, only working myself up more.

To : Doddle 🌻 - Tyler 🏳️‍🌈- Philly 🦁💘

Me - Im having a panic attack

Me- somebody please call me.

Of course, no body picks up, or calls me. So I sit there, bawling my eyes out until my chest allows me to breathe. The tears begin to stop and my heart rate slows down. I'm still wanting to die, and hating myself, but I'm able to stand. I open the door with shaky hands and head down the stairs.

When I get to the bottom, I look around for my friends. Dodie is sitting on the couch with Brendon and Tyler is on her other side. She's clearly drunk, and so is the other two of them. I look around for the one sober person, Phil. My eyes scan the crowd until I find Phil dancing quite provocatively with some boy.

Suddenly, anger bubbles up in my chest until I'm choked up with tears. I bite my lip hard, my heart feeling like it's been ripped out. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I really fucking need him right now.. And he's grinding on some boy.

I grab a plastic cup from the counter that's filled with water and make my way to my boyfriend. "Hey asshole." I shout, having to yell over the music. I pour the cup on top of his head and toss the cup aside.

"Dan!" Phil shouts, jumping as he gets soaked. "What the hell?" He says, following behind me as I walk.

"Didn't bother to check your phone did you?" I say, choking on my words as I stand by the door.

"What happened to you?" He asks, frowning as he notices my tear stained cheeks. He tries walking over to me and I back up, shaking my head. "Why'd you do that?"

"Wow. Thanks for the great concern, Phil. I'm gonna let you get back to dancing with whoever the hell that was." I snap, honestly mad at him, and mad at everything. "Because I just want to go home."

"Baby. What happened?" He asks, concerned now.

"I don't want to fucking talk about it now. Get back to your party. I'm walking home." I say, pushing through him and walking out the door.

"Dan!" I hear him shout, but I don't look back. I keep walking until the house is far out of view. I break down crying on the sidewalk, unable to breathe. On top of this happening to me, Phil has to be an idiot.

The one person I can depend on tonight, is fucking dancing with some guy! God it makes me so mad! Where was he?! What was he doing?! What time is it? How long was I asleep for? God, I am so pointless. They probably didn't notice I was even gone. What kind of friends are they anyway? Leaving me alone when they know how I am and how people are. Dragging me to a damn party I don't even want to be at.

I try to stop crying, to get up and walk home. But I can't. I'm physically unable to stand in the state I'm in. I lean back against a tree, taking gasping breaths as I let the night repeat in my mind. There's no stopping me now, I'm far gone.

~ 855 ~