Fighting temptation

Choices and consequences

I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me but nothing came to mind. I simply had no history of the man and besides I had said all the things I was angry about.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. Please God let that not be a migraine.

I did not see him moving closer, I just felt his palm next to my head, cool and soothing and so fucking familiar. I could smell the male essence of him and slowly the anger started to dissipate. He kissed my forehead and wrapped his hands around me. A change from the man of a  few minutes ago.

'I am sorry. I hate being angry. But you rile me up so much.'
I didn't know what to tell him. So I let him continue talking.
'I know what I want. You!' His hands capped either side of my face and forced me to look at him. 'I want all of you. Pause. 'I dont want to worry about whether or when I will see you again.'

My eyes were closed and in that moment my cheek had somehow nestled in his palm drinking his essence. Why was it so hard to just let everything go and be with this man. Really be with him.

'Tell me where I am going wrong and I will fix it.'
This honesty had been lacking between us. This laying yourself bare that he was doing was new territory for me. I had never had a man who wanted to fight to have me before. Even Eugene's pleas did not feel like he was fighting for me.

'You can leave or you can stay.'
His brown eyes were on me, searching for an answer that I was not sure I wanted to give.
'If you choose to stay, there is no going back, there is no holding back,' his voice was low and husky as he traced a finger down my cheek. Heat pulsed through my blood stream with the caress reminding me how easy he can turn me on. How easy I could lose my head with him. My defences seemed to melt away as he continued
I wanted all the things he did but when you get hurt by one man you tend to think of all of them as villains.
You will lose him
That voice in my head again. Maybe I did not deserve him. I had been alone before he swept in my life with his chiseled good looks and the most tantalizing mouth I have ever tasted. I somehow knew he was the sort of man whom when you lose you never find again.

'If I leave now will I ever see you again?'
It was somehow important I ask that.

'No!'

'Why not?' His hands fell away from me. 'Why can't we just be consenting adults who enjoy having sex together.' I was trying to hold on to a relationship that I could walk away from anytime.

He slowly looked me up and down.
'Because I am either having you, the whole of you or I am not.'

'Believe me it will hurt. I am speaking from a 2 month experience where every bloody morning I craved you. Craved your touch, your lips on mine  and the way you look at me when you think I am not watching...'

'How do I look at you...?'

'The same way you are looking at me now. Waiting. Hoping that I disappoint you.'

'I never said...'

'You don't have to. How often have you wished I do something wrong?

'I... I...' I couldn't find the words to deny it.

'Today  when I was shouting and being a dick, I saw it. Your decision to end it. It feels like you are waiting for me to screw up.'
He rubbed his hand over his face before he continued.
'I am not saying I am perfect. I understand only too well the need to always run. Letting you go, giving you the choice to walk away is not easy. It goes against every principal I have. But if it makes you happy then I will not hold you back

He wasn't pleading, he was simply stating the options. I could leave, leave and never look back. Or I could stay and sample the paradise that is this man.
The uber driver started to call. I don't remeber requesting one.
'Give me five minutes I told the driver.'