Falling Harder✔

Chapter Twenty : Him, a lost treasure

And it is He who has released [simultaneously] the two seas, one fresh and sweet and one salty and bitter, and He placed between them a barrier and prohibiting partition.(25:53)

Chapter Twenty :

Him, a lost treasure.

I pondered over what my father had told me the other day. Two days had passed and my mind was still stuck in the thin line between rejection and approval. I really wanted to get over the fact that scandal of me being a stranded bride. I knew none would come for me since all that happened ruined my family's reputation, besides no one would point fingers at the man's family no matter what happened and this was the ugly side of the society.

I wanted to see what had driven Murad to take such a decision. Was it pity? Sympathy? Love? Or just family compulsions? I was completely confused and couldn't decipher a reason as to why he chose me. He was doing well and could have any girl as his life partner.

I wanted to reject him but feared breaking my own self in guilt. I remembered what I heard of him the other day. He loved me. It wasn't that easy to take the decision although we had known each other for long time.

I stared at the old photos I found as I was cleaning the store. A young Kamaal who put his arm over a funny looking Murad while I hid behind the table trying to spoil the photo view. A lot had changed. Time had flown really fast and I couldn't tell that this was what fate had for me. Talk of fate, I remembered the broken friendship, the lost love and the gone- the dead.

This wasn't in store for me perhaps. To get my heart broken by someone who claimed to love me to the end of eternity, only to realise that eternity wasn't a word in his dictionary. I ceased to think about him and maybe that's why it hurt a little less.

That was the past. I had to keep up with the present, moreover to keep up with my future. I was once torn and I had no room for attachments lest it tore the pieces left that kept me hoping for a good future.

In real sense, I wasn't prepared for all this but I had to rethink and come up with a conclusion. Such a confused mind couldn't think of anything so I resorted to the Almighty, The one who controlled the earth and the moon, Creator of the night and day. I opened the Quran, knowing that my Lord would surely guide His lost servant.

And that it is He who makes [one] laugh and weep.
And that it is He who causes death and gives life.

I looked at the two verses, so beautifully written. Even laughing arising from the felicity of the soul and weeping stemming from grief and sorrow as well as life and death as two opposite existential phenomena rest on Divine Will and the Existential Command of the Fosterer of the world of existence.

Maybe it was time, time to be happy, again. I prayed two rakaas that night and drowned myself in praising the name of Allah. It was only Him who would spread light for me. I knew that Murad was a good guy but life wasn't a test you would compensate for in the next one. Life, is a one time ride, once its gone, there's no riding back.

***

I had to prepare myself, it was Meera's wedding. My lovely friend, a comforter and a sister. Cladding in a yellow maxi skirt with a matching blouse, I put on my abaya on it as I handled the mess of my hijab. I had to look presentable, for the sake of the thousands of selfies we'd click and obviously I wouldn't appear wild and messy before so many people. I had an image to maintain though it was tarnished months ago.

One thing about weddings I liked, the food! I was a big fan of foods and mainly the desserts. I walked to the hall since it was just a few miles from our home. The hall was decorated really well, the typical fat desi wedding. Several delicacies waiting to be preyed on, and the lively ladies who made the party as lively as ever.

I spotted my other two girls, Iram and Naseem. We greeted one another, taking multiple selfies, making weird poses before the camera. Talk of cameras, those desi aunties' eyes were nothing less. Each one of them hunting for a daughter in law material amongst the hundreds of girls present. They'll ogle at you or approach you with a tight lipped smile, asking you about your family.

Today, it was different. I spotted most of them giving me weird looks. Some shot me strange casts and a few turned to one another, whispering loudly. What a sight!

I wasn't a toddler who wouldn't fathom about what they were talking about. It was obvious, they were talking about me and to use the right word, they were backbiting me. I tamed my wild emotions in return I gave them the warmest smiles on earth.  

Amidst all the chaos I found a profound silence knocking in my ears. It was after a long time that I attended a gathering. The loud laughter from the crowd was nothing compared to the deafening silence that echoed in my head. Every smiling face reminded me of the late night cries that no one knew at all. The dead long nights that I mourned silently at the death of each dream of mine. The small fragile dreams that couldn't take flight at all. Staring at the familiar faces I fell out of place. My heart was skipping slow beats, maybe I didn't belong here and maybe I was lost trying to capture the impossible. However, despairing wasn't a solution too. I faked a small smile on my face greeting the crowd humbly. I wasn't scared of crowds but they reminded me of what I had buried in the corners of my heart.

"Who'll accept her? Who'll want her son to marry her? God knows why he rejected her for her best friend! She looks so innocent! She must be hiding a devil behind that façade she puts on as a civilised girl!" Those taunts became unbearable and I stormed out of the hall. My lips ached, and my throat dried,feeling my heart thunder. I felt so vulnerable at the moment, as if their words were daggers,as if they had the ability to scar my heart a little more. It pained, this is all where it ended but this is also where it began.

I had heard enough of taunts, sarcastic remarks and the way they eyed me was just an indication to what I knew. How could it end this way? Today I would be delusional to name the emotions I felt for Yahya love, because love would never hurt this much. Love was endless but now I had began to hate him a little more, since he was the cause of my miseries.

My father was right. I deserved a world of happiness, perhaps the key to a new blissful life was Murad and I searched for happiness in the same place I lost it. I had made my mind, I chose him for me. Perhaps I was being selfish but these wounds and these scabs taught me to put myself forward although I knew my intentions weren't as selfish as they sounded. I had started developing a soft spot for him, but then I had barricaded my heart with high thick walls protecting my already hurt self from another massive blow. He was a lost treasure, a man of his words and now it made sense why they kept on seeing that side of him.