Holding Onto You

Ode To Sleep

"Who knew walking could make you so tired," Tyler yawned. you chuckled.
"Try crying pretty much all day because you can't help it. That makes you more tired than anything." you said. Josh put his hand on your shoulder as the door closed. you looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back and kissed your forehead. you chuckled as Tyler plopped down on the bed.
"Oh wait," he said staring at the ceiling. "I need to change." he got up and reached for his suitcase. He grabbed his clothes and said He would be right back. you chuckled.
"So which side of the bed do you prefer?" Josh asked. "I know a lot of people have preferences," he chuckled. you chuckled with him.
"It doesn't matter to me, really," you say.
"Okay," he smiled. you pulled out your sweatpants and a tank top. your sweatpants had "GUARD" written down the left leg. you Had gotten them during winter guard one year  when you was in color guard. youre not in it anymore. your tank top was a burgundy,  spaghetti strap. Tyler just happened to come out of the bathroom when you pulled it out.
"You can go first," Josh quickly said.
"Okay, I won't take as long this time," you smirked. Josh laughed, remembering this morning. you went to the bathroom and closed the door.
I Wonder of they are going to talk about me? Do they even want me here? I hope I didn't just barge in When they didn't want me. you thought.
"I'm glad (y/n) came," you heard Tyler's voice say. you take off your t-shirt but listen carefully.
"It would have been real boring without her. No offense to you," he said. you slipped on your tank top.
"It's fine," Josh chuckled. "If she hadn't have come, we probably would have been bored to tears."
"No kidding," Tyler laughed. you smiled. It was good to hear that.
"Just remember," Tyler continued. "No babies," he laughed. Josh laughed.
"We won't, I swear." you blushed and laughed to yourself. Not that it would be a bad thing, but you don't think either of you are ready for that. you slipped off your jeans and quickly put on your sweatpants. you kept your sport-cut socks on. Or as (f/n) calls them, Ballerina socks. you took the Bobby pins out of your hair and gave it a little comb through with your fingers.  When you was done, you opened the door to complete silence. you wait a moment before you say,
"Now I just sit in silence." you heard Tyler's voice chuckle.
"Sometimes quiet is violent," he replied.
"I find it hard to hide it my pride is no longer inside.......uh......other lyrics that I don't know," Josh laughed. you laughed with him. Josh went into the bathroom to change. you plopped onto the bed like Tyler was on his.
"Tyler," you say, hoping he wasn't asleep yet.
"Yeah?" he answered.
"Say, blurryface was real." Tyler looked over at me. "Could he go to other people too? Like, be a part of them too?" you looked over at him.
"Well, blurry is more like a feeling. Like the bad side of a person. Since I made him up for me, he is like all my troubles, insecurities, anxiety, and all the bad things about me. So he's a little different for everybody."
"What exactly does blurry do?" you ask. you already knew, but you wanted to be sure.
"He usually makes you feel worthless, depressed, and if it's really bad, he makes you...suicidal.." He said. He looked at the floor. you did too.
"So," you said, breaking the silence. "Is he in everybody, or does he kind of just...appear?"
"He really just comes and goes," he said, not moving his gaze. "For me, he left a while ago. But now," he paused. He moved his gaze to me. "I fear he's coming back," you Had never seen Tyler with a more serious face in your life. you completely understood.
"Tyler," you said. you looked at him.
"Yeah?"
"I think he's coming back to me too," you felt tears wanting to come back, but they didn't try to escape.
"Back?" he echoed. He sat up but kept his gaze on yours.
"Um..." you sat up and stared at your feet. "I used to have him when I was in high school," Tyler looked concerned. "I, uh," you pulled up your pant leg to show him the scar. you cleared your throat. "Used to cut. Until this one. I think blurry thought I was going to die, because the cut was so deep. I didn't though. I think he's coming back to finish what he started." Tyler looked shocked and scared at the same time. He came closer to look at the scar.
"D-does Josh know about this?" he asks softly. He looks up at you.
"I didn't want to bother him with something from the past..."
"You gotta tell him." he said a little more firm, backing up slightly.
"I can't tell him, I don't want him to worry,"
"What are you going to do if blurry comes back?" he quickly said. His voice was firm.
"I...."
"You need to tell him so he can help you."
"It's just going to make him worry, and I don't want him to be mad,"
"If you don't tell him, he will be mad if blurry comes back," He said. He raised his voice a little.
"Mad about what?" Josh's voice interrupted. you both looked at him. Josh had a strange look. With the sight of your sweatpant leg rolled up past your thigh and Tyler being so close to you while being shirtless, you didn't blame him.
"Um..." was all that poured from his lips. He wore gray sweat pants and was also shirtless. you would have butterflies if you wasn't embarrassed and nervous.
"(y/n) needs to tell you something," Tyler said. He sounded upset. you didn't like that tone. It scared you for some reason. you looked at Tyler. you didn't want to tell him. Why did Tyler put you on the spot like this? Josh looked at you like he was waiting for an answer, and so was Tyler. you looked down at your scar and sighed.
"I...I Used to have blurry...when I was in high school," you started in a soft voice. Josh looked at Tyler. Tyler looked at him and nodded. Josh looked concerned, and turned back to you. It was quiet for a moment.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing at my scar. He sounded mad, sad, and scared at the same time. you bit your lip.
"When I Had blurry, I felt horrible. I felt like I had no purpose at all...so I..uh...cut myself.." Josh had a little gasp. you could barely hear it. "This one," you continued. you traced the scar on your thigh. "Was cut too deep...I was sent to the ER to stitch it up. It was almost to the bone." you took a small breath. "I thought I was gonna die because of how much blood I lost. But I survived. After that, blurry left." you took a deep breath and looked at Josh. "And I think he is coming back to finish what he started." you said softly. Josh stood there for a moment. He looked petrified. you was too. Every second he was silent, was another second you grew more and more frightened about what he would say. He rushed to you and hugged you. Tyler stepped back with a chuckle.
"(y/n), you mean everything to me. Don't ever think your not worth anything because your worth a lot. Especially to me. I love you." Tyler came to put his arm around you too.
"We both do. But in different ways, I guess." he chuckled.
"I love you guys, too," you said. you all pulled away and you rolled down your pant leg. you noticed Josh still looking at the scar.
"You sure your okay?" he asks, looking back at you.
"Yeah, I'm fine," you say. you didn't smile. you was too worried about Blurry possibly coming back. With the recent death of your parents, and the memory of your sister, you was worried what was going to come next. Josh got into the bed and layed down beside you. you was unaware you Had lied down. you stared at the ceiling, making shapes of the lines made into it. Josh looked at you. He took your hand and squeezed it. you didn't move my gaze.
"It's gonna be alright." He said softly. "I'm not gonna let him come back."
"We will do everything we can to make sure of that," Tyler said. He was getting into his bed and looking at you. "Just remember, no babies," Tyler laughed. Josh's face turned slightly pink, and so did yours. you both laughed with him. Like you said, not that it would be a bad idea, but you don't think either of you are ready for that. Even then, you wanted to wait until after marriage. you settled into the bed and pulled the covers over you. Josh and Tyler had turned their lights off. you felt Josh's hand find yours. He took it. you scooted closer to him. He had the same idea. you met in the middle. His body was so close to yours. As your eyes adjusted to the dark, you could see Josh's smile. you smiled back.
"Goodnight, guys," Tyler said.
"Goodnight," Josh and you replied. Tyler chuckled, and so did you. your gaze was back on Josh's. you felt your faces coming closer. you rested your foreheads against each other's.
"I love you," Josh whispered.
"I love you more," you whispered back. you couldn't explain how you felt. you was nervous, excited, scared, and happy all at the same time. you loved Josh. So much. you was happy you would get to spend this time with him. Suddenly, you feel your faces getting closer. your lips just inches away. your faces came closer still. When your faces finally couldn't move any further, your lips were already locked. His soft, sweet lips on yours. Memories took me back to your first kiss backstage. The memory didn't bother me anymore, because I knew he loved me. And I loved him too. your heart fluttered as his lips pressed against yours. The thought of you in a bed only made your heart flutter more. you felt Josh's warm hand creep up to your waist. your heart fluttered so much, you thought it was possible for it to fly away. you felt your hand trail up his arm, to his shoulder. you wasn't thinking of anything besides his sweet lips pressed against yours. The feeling you had at your first kiss had come back. The feeling that it was so wrong, but felt so right. you pull away for air for a split second but come back as fast as you had left.
Making out in a bed, you thought. There's no one else who I'd rather do it with. Josh's hand that was on my waist pulled you closer. your bodies were as close as close could get. His hand ran up your body to your neck. His hand in your hair. your hand trailed from his shoulder to his cheek. The tired feeling left your body, and the feeling of love filled it. you pulled away for air and dived back in. your bodies against each other's. There was no space left between you. you didn't want any space between you. All you wanted was him.
We need to stop, a voice in your head said. you ignored it.
It's gonna get too far, it said again. you ignored it still. If it went that far, then at least it's with someone you loved.
He's going for it, back away! He's doing it! The paranoid voice screamed again as Josh's warm hand crept under your tank top. It stopped a little past your waist. you felt your hand trail to his waist. you noticed how your lips seemed to fit perfectly together. It was like they were meant to be together. you gave a small gasp when you felt Josh's body somehow on top of yours. His hands under your tank top, on your waist. your hands moved to his arms. you didn't move away. Something made you stay. There was no movement besides your lips beginning to pull back for air once more. your lips came back together. your hand ran through his pink hair. you remembered what Tyler had said, no babies. you Had a small gasp again When you realised that it might happen. you pushed that thought away since you knew you wasn't 16 anymore. you loved each other, so would it really matter? you could feel you starting to pull away, and you felt a blush creep on your face. you was glad it was dark so he couldn't see.
"Umm..." poured out of his sweet lips. He slowly rolled back to where you started. you could tell his face was red. yours was too.
"S-sorry, uh, I-I don't know why...."
"It's fine," you quickly say. Maybe too quick. you felt Josh's hand on yours again. you scooted closer and rested your head on his chest. you thought about what had happened just moments ago. you wasn't sure if it was what you wanted, or if it was the moment. you thought back to your first kiss where you thought it was the moment. If It wasn't the moment then, maybe it wasn't he moment now. What you couldn't stop thinking was how you didn't stop. you went along with it. Did you want to do it? you feel a soft kiss on your forehead. you smile and slowly drift to sleep.