Holding Onto You

Drown

you gasped. you started to gag as you sat up and coughed up water. As soon as you fought your breath, you looked over to see Josh.
"J-Josh?" you shiver. you was in disbelief.
"(y/n)!" you was pulled into a right hug, which you then clenched into him. you thought for sure they were dead. Tears of joy and guilt streamed down your cheeks.
"I thought I lost you," Josh said tearfully.
"I thought I lost you too," you said. you couldn't believe he was alive. you looked over Josh's shoulder to see Tyler. you smiled.
"Your okay!" you said. Tyler smiled as Josh let me go. you struggled to reach Tyler to wrap him In a hug.
"Yeah, I'm just glad your alive!" He said, hugging you tightly. All you could do was smile. Ever since Josh and Tyler got hurt, you haven't been feeling like your usual happy self. you figured maybe it was just because you still felt bad about hurting them. It would go away soon, you were sure. Tyler and you released each other and you looked down.
"I'm so sorry guys. Its my fault you got hurt. I should have listened to you, Tyler. We should have want to the bus when you said."
"No, it's not your fault." Josh quickly objected. "That storm couldn't have been avoided. I'm the one who should be sorry." Josh looked down. "I shouldn't have yelled at your it wasn't your fault that Tyler got hurt. None of it was your fault. I'm so sorry for hurting you like that, (y/n)." Josh took my hands. "I promise I won't do that again." he said as his chocolate Brown eyes gazed into yours.
"Its okay. You were scared and upset. I don't blame you." you said. you reached up to kiss Josh on his forehead. He smiled and hugged you once more.
"So, I hate to ruin this moment, but," Tyler started. Josh and you pulled away to look at him. "How are we gonna get out of here?" Josh and you looked around.
"Good question." you said. you looked for any way to get back to either the hospital or the bus.
"What about the bank on the other side? Maybe we can walk from there?" Josh suggested. Tyler and you looked to where Josh mentioned. It looked safe.
"Looks good to me," you said. Tyler nodded.
"Lets go then," Josh said, getting up. you struggled to stand, you body aching. Josh helped you to stand and put his arm around you. you smiled. you started down the bank you were currently on. Tyler jumped into the water with a splash. Chuckling, Josh and you join.
****
That river is wider than it looks," Tyler commented, climbing onto the bank.
"No kidding," Josh added. He helped you into the bank. your body still in slight pain. The walk to the hospital was long and silent. you didn't feel like talking. you wasn't upset or anything, you just didn't feel like talking. you felt like all you wanted to do was walk by yourself with no one around. you felt like you just wanted to be alone with your thoughts. you just want to drown yourself in music and thoughts. you looked down at the ground as we walked.
Your just still feeling guilty, (y/n). Your fine. Its nothing to worry about. you told yourself. It would be okay. Addict With A Pen popped into your head as we walked. Josh held onto you. you don't know why you was feeling this way, but the more Josh held onto you, the more useless you felt. you felt like you didn't belong here, being With them. you felt like you was holding them back. Maybe you were. are you the reason all this pain is happening to you all? I shouldn't be here.this was their trip. I shouldn't have gotten involved. I should be back at school doing...whatever.
"You okay?" Josh asked quietly. I didn't move my gaze, but I just nodded. Josh didn't say anything, But I could tell he was concerned. I thought I was fine, but maybe I'm not.
Its just the guilt. You still feel bad for hurting them. But it's okay. They're fine now. They're alive. You have nothing to worry about now.
Maybe this voice is right. Its alright. you think that's all it is. you still feel guilty. Its okay. you know it is.
"I think I see the hospital," Tyler shouted. you looked up. you didn't realise how far ahead of you he was.
"Are we close?" Josh asked.
"Yeah. Just across the road and a few blocks that way." he said, pointing in the direction of the building. Tyler waited for you to catch up.
"You guys should go back inside. The doctor still needs to make sure you are are okay." you said. Josh looked down.
"Yeah. I guess we should." he looked up at Tyler who was looking at the hospital. you headed towards the hospital and reached the doors in just a few moments.
"There you are!" Bryan smiled as he came towards us. "We were worried about you!" you assumed he was talking about you. you looked up at him.
"I'm sorry I made you guys worry. I was just.." you trailed off as you looked down to the side. "I don't know... I'm sorry."
"Its alright. Were just glad your okay," he smiled. you faked a smile to the three. Okay. They thought you was okay. you didn't feel okay. you don't know what you felt. you was numb. Tyler and Josh went back to the rooms with the doctor. Bryan and you waited in the waiting room. you sat in the green, cushioned chair beside the small fish tank. you watched the fish swim in circles.
"So. If you don't mind me asking. Why did you run off?" your heart sank a little when he asked. you decided to tell him the truth. What would it hurt?
"I...um." you took a deep breath. "Back at my old house, I was looking through my things. When we went back to the kitchen with my cat, Coffee, we saw storm clouds. Tyler recommended we go to the bus to get somewhere safe, but I said it would be fine. When I saw the swirling, I got a flashback and panicked. I passed out. I don't know what Tyler and Josh were doing, but when I woke up, we went to the bathroom for safety. The house felt like it was moving. Eventually I remembered Coffee was still in the kitchen. I wanted to go get him but Josh wouldn't let me. He said it was too dangerous. Tyler decided to go out to get him. Josh and I tried to get him to stay, but he was already rushing out the door to find Coffee. We heard a shriek of pain and opened the door to see Tyler on the ground with glass and a little bit of blood surrounding him. Josh ran to check on him. We were afraid he wasn't okay. Josh got mad and said if we had gone to the bus like Tyler said, we wouldn't be in this mess. He blew up at me, but I don't blame him. I was so upset and scared, that I ran out of the house. I didn't know what to do or where to go. That's when I called you. Eventually I decided to go back to the house to help them. When I did, I saw Josh on Tyler with more blood and glass. I was so upset and scared. I cried. That's when I wrote a letter and left it with Josh. I got a little blood on it from when I clenched Josh's hand. I was scared. I called an ambulance when the storm calmed and told them where we were. When I saw the ambulance finally reach the house, I ran out the back door and ran to a forest I would check out when I was younger. I ran until I was inches away from a cliff. I started to cry again. I slowly sat down with my legs dangling. I started to sing a song I had written a while back. After a while, I let myself fall. That's all I remember. Everything was black until Tyler and Josh found me." Bryan looked shocked, concerned, and scared all at the same time.
"Are you alright? Nothing broken, nothing sprained?" he asked. you was still looking at your shoes.
"No. I'm alright." you said. "Physically.." you finished in a whisper.
"Physically?" he asked quietly. you didn't shift my gaze.
"I'm not sure that I feel okay on the inside. I feel like I want to cry. Like I want to be on that cliff again. I want to feel the feeling of falling again." you whispered. Bryan laid a hand on your shoulder.
"Hey. Its okay. I know you feel that way now, but you will be okay. Your just stressed and scared. Your still hurt from everything that happened."
"Yeah." you said. "I guess so." Bryan removed his hand and stood up to talk to the doctor who had just entered the waiting room. you couldn't hear what they said. you stood up to look out the window. The clouds were gone. Nothing but blue sky's.
"Why?" you whisper. you feel your face start to tingle as a signal of tears wanting to form. "Why did you do this to me?" you say. The tears form in your eyes. "Why did you try to take them from me?" you started to cry. you walked outside into the cool air and sat on a bench next to the automatic doors. you couldn't stop your light tears.
"Why did you do this to me? What do you want from me?" you cried. you took your sleeve and wiped away tears. you didn't know why Blurry was doing this to you. Why is he attacking you again? your Heart started to race in fear as you got a flashback.
****
"Your going to be okay! Can you hear me? Its going to be alright!" your mother shouted as you was rushed into the emergency room. The air was cold as you entered the room.
"I need a sponge over here," a nurse shouted.
"Peroxide on this side," a doctor said.
"Where's the surgeon?" another nurse asked. The room was full of chaos. you saw a blurry face with the sound of a sweet, assuring voice.
"Your gonna feel a slight pinch, okay? Then your going to feel really sleepy." you didn't respond. The nurse was right, you felt a pinch in your elbow crease, and you felt as if you hasn't slept in days. Reality started to fade. you fell asleep.
****
"(y/n)," you was pulled back into reality by Bryan's voice. "Are you alright?" he said. He sat next to you on the bench. you wiped away stray tears. you didn't respond.
"I'm scared," you whispered. "How are they?" you said, turning to him. He looked down at the sidewalk.
"They aren't hurt too bad," he started. you felt tears again.
"Too bad?" you echoed.
"They don't have anything broken, but they have some cuts that need to be cleaned and stitched."
"Stitched?" you said. you buried your face in your hands. "Its all my fault. Why didn't I listen to Tyler? They wouldn't be here If it wasn't for me." you said.
"Hey," Bryan said, firm. "It is not your fault. Its okay. Its nothing bad. They will be okay. I promise." you stopped crying. you hoped he was right. you hoped that would be okay.
"When will they be out?" you sniffed.
"Just in time for you to get to the funeral planning," he said softly. you nodded. you forgot all about the funeral. you checked the time. Only about 45 minutes have passed.
"Its a wonder how much has happened just in 45 minutes." you say to myself.
"So where is the funeral home?" he asks. you look down the street.
"Just a few minutes that way," you pointed to your left.
"Alright. Not too far." he said. you clasped your hands together.
"Yeah. You sure they're gonna be okay?" you asked and looked at Bryan. He chuckled a little.
"Yes, I'm sure They are going to be fine. We should probably go inside so they know where we are when theyre done." you nodded and followed as he stood up to walk back inside. you sat by the fish tank again and you watched them.
"Have you gotten a call from that man yet? Markus, was it?" you turned to him in response.
"No. I don't know when I'll hear from him. You knew about it?"
"Oh, it's all Tyler and Josh talked about on the way to Washington." he smiled. "They kept saying how excited they were for you and how they would try to get you to be their opening singer for their shows."
"That would be so cool," you smiled. As if on cue, your phone rang. you pulled it out Of your pocket. you saw it was Markus.
"Its Markus, I'll be back," you smiled to Bryan. He smiled and nodded. you walked outside and stood by the door.
"Hello," you answered. you wanted to sound a proffessional as you could.
"Hello, this is (y/n), correct?"
"Yes, That's me," you smiled.
"Great. I have some news about your request to be signed by Fueled By Ramen." he was quiet for a moment.
"Did they decline?" you asked.
"No, actualy, they said they would love to hear you in person and talk to you. They said they would decide then."
"That's great," you smiled. "When and where do I go?"
"You go on Wednesday of next week. Tyler and Josh will tell you where to go. I'm not permitted to say the address out loud."
"Alright. I'll be sure to be ready. Thank you so much, Markus! This means a lot!"
"No problem, (y/n). It was a pleasure working with you!"
"It was a pleasure working with you too!" you said. Markus let you go, and you went back inside to tell Bryan the good news.
"That's great! I'm happy for you," he smiled.
"Thanks!" you smiled back. you sat back on the green cushioned chair.
"While you were gone, the doctor said it would be about 5-10 minutes until they are finished. He said instead of stitches, they are going to use glue, since the cuts aren't that deep."
"Okay. I hope they are alright."
"I'm sure They are fine. Shouldn't be much longer now." you nodded.
***
"I'm sorry I put you guys through this. I should have let you all go to the bus." you said. you were walking to the bus. The hospital let Bryan park in the parking lot.
"Its fine, were fine. It wasn't your fault. We know you just loved that house and you wanted your memories. Its okay." Josh said. He hugged you. you hugged back, but you was careful to not hurt his cuts. Josh kissed your forehead. you smiled. As you got into the bus, you started to get nervous. you was going to see your parents after a long time. Except they weren't going to be able to greet you like usual. Moments passed and you finally arrived. you could see the doctor's car in the parking lot, along with a few others. When you got off the bus, Josh asks if you wanted them to come too. you nodded. He took your hand, and you walked to the entrance. Tyler close behind. When you walked in, you saw the doctor and a few decorators.
"(y/n)! Its nice to see you," he smiled. you let a slight smile show. Josh released your hand. you walked to the doctor whose name you couldn't remember.
"Hi." you said. you looked around the small room. "Where do I start?" you asked softly. The doctor looked at the two caskets across the room.
"Where and how would you like them to face?" he asked. you slowly walked to the caskets. your hands traced the edge of your mother's. you took a breath as to push away tears.
"There heads will meet here and their feet can point away" you said, demonstrating your point. They would be against the wall with their feet pointing away from each other. This way you can see both. The doctor nodded and signaled the decorators to move the caskets. you stepped back, your gaze still focused on the caskets.
"Are they in there?" you asked, looking at the doctor.
"No, they're still being preserved and worked on."
"Worked on?" you echoed.
"Yes, make up and clothing." you nodded in understanding. you were quiet a moment while the decorators were finishing up.
"I'm sorry, but what is your name again? My mind is still frazzled." you asked. The doctor smiled and answered.
"I'm doctor Jackson. But you can call me Jack." you nodded.
"So. Is there anything I should bring in before the funeral, or prepare?"
"Well, I've heard you like to sing. I was thinking it would be nice to have you sing a song of possible." you thought about this. It might get you more popular, and after all, it was for your parents. you finally agreed.
"Alright. I'll write my own song." you said. Jack smiled.
"That would be wonderful." He said. "If there is anything special you Would like to bring, you may."
"Okay. I have an idea in mind." you say. Jack nodded. The decorators finished moving the caskets and you got to work on the rest of the decorations. you had a vase of black roses sitting on top of each casket. you was going to have them hold the small bouquet once you had them. The flowers you had asked for before was already in each casket. you sat the podium up in the middle of the caskets for anyone who would want to speak. Tyler and Josh helped you hang up black orchids along the walls, along with white roses. After setting out the chairs and opening the caskets, you were finally finished. The case of black roses sat inside the casket now, along with the other flowers you asked for.
"Alright. Now all we have to do is set a date." Jack said, turning to me.
"I thought we had a date already?"
"We did, but I thought it would be best if you chose." you pondered. The funeral couldn't be tomorrow, Tyler and Josh need their rest from the storm. It couldn't be Thursday or later because the bodies would start to smell and rot. you hated the thought of this.
"What about Wednesday?" you asked.
"That works for me. What time?" you remembered how your mother used to always say,
"better early than late, because late builds up nerves."
If you are going to sing, you don't want your nerves to build up.
"What's the earliest we can do it?" you asked.
"The earliest, I think, would be around 10:00 in the morning."
"If that works for everyone else, it works for me."
"Alright then. 10:00 it is. We will need to show up around 9:00 to prepare the caskets and make sure everything is okay." you nodded.
"Okay. I'll see you Wednesday," Jack smiled. you pulled a small smile and waved goodbye. When you left the building, Josh took your hand.
"You want us to go to the funeral with you on Wednesday?" you looked up and smiled.
"It would be great if you could," you smiled. Josh hugged you when you reached the bus.
"Anything for you," he smiled. you stepped into the bus and sat on the couch. Tyler followed, but grabbed his ukulele before he sat down.
"I'm bored. Any requests?" Tyler smiled. you chuckled.
"How about...House Of Gold?" you asked. Tyler seemed slightly shocked by your choice, on account of what happened to your parents.
"You sure?" he asked. you could tell he didn't want it to hurt you in anyway.
"I'm sure," you said softly with a small smile. Tyler grinned and started to play with a C chord.
"She asked me, son, when I grow old will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me?" Tyler looked at you, then back at his fingers that let off the muted strings.
"She asked me, son, when I grow old will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me?" you started to join in quietly.
"I will make you queen of everything you see. I'll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease." he changed from an F, to a C. Josh joined in with his drumming part, but used the couch cushion.
"Lets say we up and left this town, and turn our future upside down. We'll make pretend that you an me, lived ever after happily." you all started to sing and play louder. you added harmony.
"She asked me, son, when I grow old, will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me?" Tyler switched to an F.
"I will make you queen of everything you see. I'll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease. Oh. And since we know that dreams are dead, and life turns plans up on their head. I will plan to be a bum, so I just might become someone!" you all laughed as you shouted the last word.
"She asked me, son, when I grow old, will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me?" Tyler stopped strumming.
"I will make you queen of everything you see. I'll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease." When Tyler strummed the last chord, you realized you was in a real world. When you were all singing, it was like you was in another world. Nothing around you mattered. you loved that feeling. The feeling when nothing mattered. The feeling of doing what you loved with the people you loved. you knew right then, that was what you wanted to do for the rest of your life. you wanted to sing. you wanted to play music. Its a wonder what music can really do for you. What it can do to you. That reminded you, you needed to ask Tyler and Josh where to go when youre supposed to sing for Fueled By Ramen. you watched Tyler and Josh laugh as they played another song. It was Coconut Sharks. you smiled. Seeing the two people you loved dearly happy made you feel better. It was like all the saddness, anger, guilt, and worthlessness went away. you loved them. you loved where you was. you loved what you was doing. you loved your life. And you wouldn't change it for the world.