Holding Onto You

Ride

After everything that had happened last night, Josh hadn't spoken much. You wondered what's inside his mind. Did he regret it? Did he want to do it? Honestly, you didn't mind.
Are you kidding? You are going to wait until you are married! No babies before then! A paranoid voice inside your head said. You were heading towards the bus After breakfast, (which the hotel provided) to go to the next state. You wasn't sure where it was.
The only words that poured from his soft, sweet lips was good morning, (y/n). When you Had woken up, Josh wasn't close to you anymore. He was on the far side of the bed, facing away.
Did I do something wrong? You wondered. You hoped you didn't.
"Good morning, you three," the driver said. You smiled at him.
"Good morning," you all said. You sat on the couch together. Josh had space between you. You Had sat down first.
"So where are we headed?" Tyler asked.
"We are going to Montana, today," said the driver. "Only 11 and a half hours. I recommend getting comfortable. It's 8:00 right now, so we should be there around 7:00 pm."
"That's not too bad." Tyler said. Josh agreed quietly. You've never seen him Like this. It worried you. You felt a buzz from your phone. You pulled it out of your pocket to see it was (f/n).
"I'll be right back, guys," you said softly. You didn't look at Josh. You knew he wouldn't say anything.
"Okay," Tyler said. You went to the small bedroom and closed the door. You didn't want them to hear anything. You went to the end of the bedroom so they couldn't hear. You answered the phone.
"Hey," you said.
"Hey. I made it home safely. I was going to text you but it was midnight and I didn't want to bother you." You thought back to last night. About Josh and you kissing. About Josh being on top of you. You could feel him again. You felt like you wanted to cry. You quickly hid your tears.
"You did? Good," you said, unenthusiastically.
"Oh, remember when I went to hang out with Jason?" she said, changing the subject.
"Yeah, how did it go?" You didn't go with her. She insisted to go by herself.
"Well, We exchanged numbers and he  texted me just a minute ago asking if I wanted to go to a movie with him tonight."
"Did you say yes?" You asked. Your frown became a smile.
"Yes!" she said. You were  both excited for this! (F/n) might get a boyfriend! With someone she actually can date this time.
"I'm so happy for you!" You finally said.
"Thanks! And how are things going with you two?" she asked. Your frown came back. You was hoping she wouldnt ask.
"Well..." you started.
"Oh, no. Don't tell me you broke up!" she paniced.
"No, no, no. We just...haven't talked today. He's...been acting different since last night.."
"Last night?" she asked. She sounded freaked out. You spoke quietly so Josh couldn't hear.
"Um, yeah. You see, in the hotel, we shared a bed. It started off just smiling at each other. Then a kiss. Then that kiss grew to basically making out. Then he...somehow was on top of me,"
"Oh, God, (y/n), your not pregnant are you?" she paniced. You slightly chuckled.
"No, no. We didn't do anything. He was just...laying on me, more of. Nothing more than that, I swear," you said. You heard her let out a breath of relief.
"Good." she said. "How is he acting?"
"Well, since last night, he hasn't said a word. He hasn't looked at me, held my hand, hugged me, or anything. He just looks down. I hope I didn't do anything wrong.."
"You know what I think?"
"What?" You gulped, worried about her response.
"I think he's embarrassed."
"Embarrassed?" You echoed.
"Yeah. He probably didn't mean to, and he doesn't have a good enough excuse for why he did it. That's just my guess though."
"But how do I get him to talk to me again?"
"Maybe don't. I would just talk to Tyler. Give Josh some time to figure things out. It will be okay by the end of the day."
"Okay, I'll try." You said. A moment of silence passed through.
"So how's mom and dad?" she asked. You felt the tears wanting to break through. You pushed them away.
"They, um," you tried to swallow a lump in your throat. "They... passed on," you finally croaked. The tears broke through. Not as many as you feared, but a few poked through.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry (y/n)," she said. She sounded like she was getting choked up. You was too. You heard her sniff.
"What are you going to do?" she asked.
"I don't know," you said. You really didn't know what you was going to do. You didn't even know when their funeral would be.
"I'll go to the funeral with you, whenever it is. It's been ages since I've been back home." she said. She had moved closer to where your college is because she wanted to be closer to you. That, and she liked the area. She had always wanted to go to California. It was your childhood dream. You remember sitting in your room on your round, pink rug. You were thinking about where your dream house would be, since you wanted to be famous.
"Where should we put our dream house?" (F/n) asked.
"Hm," you thought. You tapped your chin. "California!" You said with your arms up in the air. "That's where all the famous people live!"
"We want to be famous one day, so lets do it!" (F/n) said, smiling. You stood up and jumped onto your bed.
"Now entering the stage, (y/n)!" (F/n) announced. You stood on your bed and named the song you would sing.
"My first song Is Firework by Katy Perry!" You said. You started to sing along with my radio.
"Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag? Floating through the wind, wanting to start again. Do you ever feel, like a house of cards," you sang. (F/n) cheered like the crowd would. You smiled. You knew right then when you sang that first note, that this was what you wanted to do for the rest of your life. This was what you wanted.
"I'll go to the funeral with you," (f/n) said. She sounded like she wanted to cry. So did you.
"Okay," you croaked. You couldn't imagine seeing your parents in a casket. It was something you dreaded since you was little. You never thought it would come so soon. It scared you to know that you didn't have any parents anymore. No family. Besides your grandparents and your aunt, you had no one. You heard a faint knock on the door.
"Hey, (y/n). Can I come in?" it was Tyler's voice.
"Hey, Aurora, I'll call you later," you said.
"Okay, bye," she croaked. She was starting to cry, you could tell. You pushed away your tears before allowing Tyler to enter. He opened the door slowly and came in. He closed the door behind him.
"I just...needed to talk to you." he said. He came closer to you. "Josh told me about last night," he started softly. You looked down with your face red.
"I, uh..." you stuttered. You didn't know how to react.
"He told me everything." He said. He Did not smile. He didn't look upset. He had a straight, normal face.
"Oh," you said quietly. "D-Did I do anything...wrong?" You ask. "He hasn't said a word to me or anything since then."
"No, you didn't do anything wrong." he said. "He's just embarrassed. He told me that he was worried you didn't like it or you didn't want to do anything. He said he's not sure how to explain it. He's just worried for you I guess. He said he didn't mean for that to happen. It just....did." it made sense. You was a little embarrassed too.
"Well," you started. You tried to think of how to say it without sounding weird. "I didn't exactly mind...it just kind of, startled me. Since I wasn't expecting that to happen. I just...don't really want anything to happen until Im married. For safety." You said. You hoped this made sense. "I love Josh. You know that. He knows that. I don't want him to feel this way. It hurts me to know he feels bad about it." You looked up at him. He looked understanding.
"Alright. That should clear some things up for him. Should I tell him?" he said, his thumb pointing to the door. You nodded.
"If it makes him feel better, yes." Tyler nodded and headed towards the door. "Oh, and one more thing." he said. He turned back to me. "I get to be the best man, right?" he smiled. You chuckled.
"Of course you do."
"Yay," he smiled. You chuckled. Tyler headed out to explain everything to Josh. As he closed the door, you pulled out your phone. You was getting another call. It said dad, but you knew it wasn't. You tried your best to fight the tears that threatened to flow.
"H-hello?" You answered. A year rolled down your cheek.
"(Y/n)? It's the doctor. I called to tell you about funeral arrangements."
"Why do you still have my dads phone?" You blurted. You immediately regretted it.
"It was the only way we have to contact you. Anyway, we need you to tell us how you want it. Since it is your parents' funeral." You hated the way he said that. It hurt.
"Open casket." You said.
"Alright. Should there be decorations?" he asked. It sounded like he was writing something down.
"Roses and daisies in my mother's casket and forget-me-nots in my father's." You remembered your mother adored daisies. You remembered when you was on a nature walk with dad when you was little. You came across some forget-me-nots and he picked one for you. He put it in your hair and said,
"There. Now you shall never forget me."
"Alright then. Now what music should we play?" this brought back memories of your own and from my parents. You remembered listening to twenty one pilots your last year of high school, when you was suicidal again. You remembered saying your suicide song would be Goner. Where Tyler first shouts Don't let me be! Would be where you pulled the trigger. You remembered saying your funeral song would be Anathema. Youre glad you never got to use them. Youre glad you never killed yourself. You wouldn't be where you are now of you Had.
"Play Outskirts of Heaven by Craig Campbell." You said. You remembered your mom telling you that she would want that song as her funeral song. You just never expected it to come so soon. Your dad had said the same. The song started to play in your head.
Lord, when I die, I wanna live on the outskirts of heaven. Where there's dirt roads for miles,
Hay in the fields, and fish in the river.
Where there's dogwood trees and honey bees,
And blue skies, and green grass forever.
Lord when I die, I wanna live on the outskirts of Heaven.
Tears began to roll down your cheek. You couldn't bear the thought of them in heaven. You was happy they were there, but you still wanted them with you.
"Alright. That should be everything. The funeral will take place next week on Tuesday." the doctor said. Today was Saturday. That didnt leave much time.
"Next week? Tuesday?" You echoed. You would never be able to make it.
"Yes. We will need you to come in on Monday to sort everything out the way you like. If you would like to sing something, you may."
"Monday?" You echoed once more. Your heart raced and you started to breathe heavy. You would never make it. There was no way. You Had to go, it was your parent's funeral.
"Yes. Of course, I assume this is no trouble at all, and we expect to see you around noon."
"Noon?" You echoed once more.
"Yes, Mrs. (L/n). We will see you then." He gave you the address of the funeral home. You knew where it was. You used to live by it. He hung up and you just stood there, worried. There was no way you would make it. Tears flowed when you thought about your parents. Being in their caskets. You couldn't bear it. Before you knew it, you was bawling. You fell to your knees. Blurry was only making everything worse. You felt horrible. You felt like blurry was taking out everyone you loved. You pulled your knees to your chest. You buried your face, tear filled. The more you thought about everything, the more tears poured. You sobbed into your knees. The pain you felt in your heart was nothing compared to the pain you felt in your scar. Your scar throbbed from your sobbing. You winced at each throb. Blurry was trying to destroy you. He took one thing that wasn't this big of a deal and made you want to stop. Not to stop crying or stop caring, but to stop everything. To stop life. You Had lost your sister, your friend was leaving, and you had lost your parents. Blurry was after you, this you knew. You knew he would come back for you. You knew he wouldn't stop once he knew you was alive. During your time of sorrow, you heard a slight knock.
"(Y/n)? Are you okay in there?" it was Tyler's voice. You didn't answer. You couldn't answer. You was so very far from fine. Life was not okay. You could not bear it any longer. You hugged your knees tighter.
"(Y/n)?" Tyler asked again. He cracked the door. He peered in to see you on the floor, with a tearful face. Your head still in your knees, Tyler opened the door wide and rushed to you.
"(Y/n)? What happened?" he asked, His hand on your shoulder. "Is blurry after you?" he whispered. You looked up at him with tears blurring your vision. You looked down and whispered,
"I think so," as those words poured out, fear struck your heart. You was afraid. Afraid of what would come next. Afraid of what is going to happen to you. Afraid of your life. Afraid of your own head. Tyler wrapped you in a tight hug.
"Don't worry (y/n). Your going to be fine. Blurry won't take over you. I won't let him." You kept your face buried in your knees. You heard footsteps coming closer. You assumed it was Josh.
"H-hey, are you alright?" he asks. Those words left his lips as plain as you felt about your life. Careless. You knew Josh cares. He had to. Didn't he?
"It's blurry," Tyler said. Josh's eyes widened a little. Josh sat on the other side of you, close. He wrapped you in a hug as well. The tears kept streaming down your cheeks. You sat there for a good while. Nothing they said could make you feel any better. You eventually ran out of tears, and you sat there, silent.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tyler asks you. You sniff and raise my head. You Had a headache and you felt light-headed.
"At first," you muttered. "The doctor had called me to tell me about my parents funeral." You sniffed again and paused. "It's next week on Tuesday. The burial is Wednesday. He wants me to be at the funeral home by noon on Monday," you sniffed.
"This coming Monday?" Josh asked. You nodded. Josh and Tyler looked at each other.
"Im gonna make sure we get there." Josh said. "Where is the funeral home?" He asked.
"Kentucky," you sniffed again and told him your city in Kentucky. He nodded and stood up. He left the room. You watched as he went to the driver. They spoke for a while. You couldn't tell what was said.
"Were gonna get there on time," Tyler said. "Well make sure of it." he rubbed your back.
"How are we gonna get there from Washington? That's at least a half week drive," you say. Tyler didn't explain.
"Well make it," he said in a stern voice. You took his word for it. You rested your chin on your knees. It was a 35 hour trip. How would you make it on time? Josh came back and said one sentence:
"Were on our way."