Pussyboy

Little India

I might've lost it but I don't really remember what happened after the reveal that the hotdog stand guy was actually Liam's father and worst, the only person who knew that Liam had a thing for me.

Fuck, right? I think thinking too much on the way over was shit but when awareness did kick back in — we were back where we grew up.

Passaic, New Jersey was a weird place to live. Living there was like living in a small town but feeling like it was a city. The familial suburban feel was present but so was the New York state of this city never sleeps.

"So you travel to the city everyday and travel back?"

I don't what but I needed to start a conversation because once I really was back — it felt so awkward being the one who broke your son's heart in high school. He just drove on.

He glanced at my direction every now and then but only to view the side mirrors. Well, I think he only glanced at me to see through the side mirrors when he was turning.

I did feel a little bit you know, conscious and bashful but I kept it low. Working in an industry that made you strip in front of strangers you just meet uppens the stamina of whatever self-control you have.

"Yeah."

Short and stuffed with mystery.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be."

"But I am sorry for," the name felt heavy to utter. There was so much that I did. I cheated on him with Zayn. Left him in the dance for Zayn. Had a boy with Zayn. All the while that he was in love with me.

He noticed that I didn't finish my sentence and looked at me for a second. He looked skeptical and curious. He looked just like Liam. The eyes, the cheeks, and just the way he looked.

Was I thinking of having sex with Mr. Payne?

The fuck, Niall?

Get.

It.

Together.

Then, what I felt was sadness. I ruined their last years of being together. Liam's mom died when he was young and ever since, Mr. Payne just kept himself with Liam trying to savor every single moment of him still having his son alive. But then, Liam fell in love with me and they started to spend less time with each other because he was busy pestering me.

Fuck!

That wasn't a nice word. Okay maybe, I could say that Liam was trying everything to get my attention but he failed at that.

Fuck, I'm just one really fucked up individual, huh?

"We're here."

I looked out the windshield and there it was. The rows of industrial houses, one after the other. It was just weird to me. To be back here.

I swore when I left as a pregnant boy that I'll never go back here.

It just had too much of me. Why be here when people you know talk about you and laugh at you and joke about you? Why stand for that?

And yet, I was back.

I wasn't living for this kind of moment but it felt like home somehow. A prodigal son kind of way but my parents were dead.

Bummer.

I followed him inside. The houses here never had a soace for garages so they parked curbside. I followed him through some patches of pallet gardens full of vegetables and greenies but they were covered by a greenhouse-y plastic covering. So amid the snow piling around it, there was well as cheesy and archaic it could sound, there was life still.

I noticed that some houses were painted different colors now. No more of the obsolete maroon rouge that dominated these houses.

The Payne's was now a light green color which was sombered by the snow. The old brass knocker was still there and there still wasn't a doorbell.

I smiled a little at that small fact. Some things really don't change. I wouldn't want them to.

And now, I entered the house.

Oh shit.

Here we go.