Changing | SM

Part 8: detached

Shawn:

I don't know what to make with the help she's given me.
Nobody ever cared as much as she did, even though on the surface she doesn't really care. She's doing this because she has to, not out of her own will.

"Okay I'll see you next week then." I got up and walked out of her room after packing my things. We arranged on a date that every Thursday she'll help me with work, it's not a lot of time but at least it's something. "Actually, you can come by on Tuesday as well. The more I can help you the quicker we'll get this topic done and-" but I cut her off. "The quicker you'll be done with me. I get it." I sighed, walking to my car.

"That's not what I was going to say." She crossed her arms over her chest as she looked at me. Something about her is pulling me in and it intrigues me. She's attractive, don't get me wrong... but nah. "Sorry, I just assumed." I said, stepping into my car. "You know you should stop assuming things from people you don't even know!" She yelled.
I saw the grin on her face, and she knows she just gave me a taste of my own medicine.

"Yeah yeah. I'll see you on Tuesday Ariana!" "Oh my god! It's Adriana!" I smirked in pleasure, I love pissing her off. I guess it's my specialty because I do that to everyone.

Once I got home, I sneaked back upstairs. "Shawn." My dad's voice came through. I closed my eyes as I took in a deep breath, walking over to him in the living room. "Yeah dad?" I asked innocently. "Where were you?" He asked, spinning the beer bottle next to him on the table.
Just before I left to go to Aria-Adriana's house, we had a fallout over him never believing in me.

"I went to that girl that the school gave me for help with my math." I mumbled under my breath. "She can't help you. Nobody can." I just stayed quiet as he continued to call me out, say bad things and break me down. I've gotten to the point where no matter what he says, it doesn't bother me anymore. The damage is done and nothing can repair it.
"Get out of here." He mumbled, ending it all off with a chuckle, eating away every last bit of confidence I had.

"Hey, Brian. Can I come over to you?" I asked, packing my bags as I threw one out the window, wiping a tear of my cheek and then throwing another bag down to my car. "Did it happen again?" He asked and I sighed, probably giving him the answer he was searching for. "Okay, I'll set up the bed." He said before hanging up.

It's good to have a friend that you can rely on. And I can always count on him to help me out of my danger zone, get me free of the horror I'm living.
Life isn't always easy but it's your decision to make it or break it. You can choose to live and enjoy your life, or live in sorrow.
Mine lies in between, I tend to live in sorrow and happiness.

I get my happiness out of being the me I am around people, and I live in sorrow when I'm alone. That's most of the time, but when I'm at Brian's, happiness somehow finds it's way into me.
But surprisingly today, when I was with Ari-Ad-Adriana, yeah that's it, I was happy again.

That's really rare.

All the girls I'm with are just toys, I use them or they use me. Somehow we get the same pleasure and enjoyment out of what we're doing. But I never sleep or stay over, that's not my policy. I don't want to get attached because then things get difficult.

Maybe, who knows, some day I'll probably get attached to someone, because I want a wife and family. I'm just too messed up for anyone to get attached to me. But then there's a side of me when I'm around others, who don't know me. I don't know why, but like Adriana, I'm different around her.

I kind of like it, but I don't want to get attached. Once again I cannot let her in, not yet, it's way too early.
I just wish I can forever be me, but world threw that away long ago.
I'm who they think I am, even though I know it's not me... who cares?