Broken Light

~ Chapter Seven ~

Lexie lays in bed, reading the magazine in her hand, when I enter our bedroom. She smiles at me.

"So Jules ordered the soccer ball cake?" she laughs. "Didn't see that one coming." I nod and slide into the bed beside her and realize how tired I really am. Sometimes, all I want to do is sleep and eat.

Lexie holds my hand and turns to face me. She draws little circles on my palm with her thumb, something that had never failed to comfort me until tonight.

"Thank you," she says after a minute. "I know how hard it is for you, Tristan, with Alex's condition, but thank you for being there for Jules. You have no idea how happy he was today when you two came back. He was beaming with joy! He just sometimes wants a bit of father and son time, you know?" I nod at her words even though I'd barely listened. My mind was once again with Alex. I tried hard not to think about him until nighttime but that had been surprisingly difficult. Even though he wasn't around, his essence was everywhere I went. I missed him. I missed him more than I had ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life.

Lexie props herself up on her elbows and rubs my cheek. "And you can always talk to me, Tristan. Always. I'll be there for you. I know you've always been really close to Alex and if you ever want to talk, I'll be here."

She didn't know though. She didn't know to what extent I missed Alex. She didn't know that Alex was a part of me and how much pain I felt every day when I thought about that part of me slipping away. I had gone to see Alex again after his surgery. The swelling in his brain was gone, but other than that, he was in the same conditions as day one. No improvements whatsoever.

Lexie is still looking at me. I need to say something, but at the moment, nothing comes to my mind. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for her help and all but she just can't understand what I'm going through, even though she may think she does. It's like saying you know how a blind man feels when you've always had 20/20 vision.

I finally decide to squeeze her hand and give her a quick kiss on the lips. She looks disappointed and she has every right to. She's trying whatever she can to support me and I'm just pushing her away. I would have given up on myself a long time ago if I was her.

Lexie doesn't say much more and just turns off the lights, and quite frankly, I'm glad she didn't. Sometimes, the best medicine is just silence.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I waited for my friends by our campsite. It had been an hour since they had gone on the hike and they supposedly should have been back by now. I fidgeted with the muddy ground. I'd refused to go on the hike even though Alex had asked me a million times. He knew I hated most forms of physical activity but claimed that the view at the end of the 30-minute hike would make all the pain worthwhile. Maybe if I had been in my normal state I would have gone, but well, I wasn't. Physically, everything was fine, but emotionally, I was a mess. And the worst things was that I didn't even know why I was in an emotional turmoil.

I was confused, confused about how I was feeling. Was there something wrong with me? Does everyone get emotionally messed up from time to time? One moment, I was happy and the next, I wanted to cry my eyes out. Was this normal?

The loud footsteps of the boys stopped me amid my thoughts. They came hollering down the small hill, laughing their heads off. I saw Alex at the end of the pack and he looked concerned the moment his eyes spotted me, his fierce blue eyes following my every move. I felt bad even though my mood was much out of my control.

"Tanny, you good?" Alex asked. I tried my best at a smile, but by Alex's expression, it came out more as a frown. He sat down beside me on the old, wet log.

"Even if you tell me you're good," Alex went on. "I ain't gonna believe it. No offense, dude, but you look like crap." He nudged me on my shoulders. I didn't say anything because one thing for sure, I knew that I looked like crap. That was my natural look. I was just not in the mood to cover up my crappy self, which I guess made the people around me concerned. And by the people around I mean Alex.

Alex put his arm around me and I froze the moment I felt his touch. I felt weird, maybe a little awkward. But it wasn't an awkward that I minded, quite the contrary. It was a good awkward. The kind of awkward you didn't want to end. Now, was this normal?

"I'm sorry, Tanny," Alex said. "I should have known that camping wouldn't be your thing. I shouldn't have forced ya to come." Frankly, Alex hadn't really forced me to camp. He had asked me once and I accepted the invitation right away. I didn't want to let him down. He'd always been so flexible, so kind, and I had never done anything for him. I wanted to be there for him. I badly wanted to have the same interests as him and I tried hard to find his passions interesting. My efforts didn't always end up successful though.

"No it's been a lot of fun, honestly," I finally said. "I'm just a bit winded. It's been a busy day but I just need a good night's sleep. That's all." Alex smiled and a part of me lit up when he did.

"Well, Tanny," Alex said with a lopsided smile. "I'm glad to hear it. But just remember, all the guys, we all care about you, alright? And we'll always be there for each other. It's the truth, you can trust me on that one." I stared at Alex right in the eyes, mesmerized by how all the good traits found in humans around the world had come together in one single human being. At that moment, there was so much I wanted to say: things about him, about me, and about how I felt. And maybe I was afraid because there was so much to say, so much that I didn't even know where to begin.

I tried to put all the words that I had wanted to tell him for years into a smile. I nodded at him. "I trust you, Alex. Believe me, I do."

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