Broken Light

~ Chapter Thirteen ~

I don't dare approach Lexie. She wants space. She needs space. I could tell that the moment she banged our bedroom door behind her.

I stand alone in the living room. Is there a way to rewind time? Is there a way you can restart everything from scratch? If there is, I won't hesitate for even a second before I start fixing all the stupid mistakes I've made in my 30 years of life.

Without thinking, I walk into Jules' room. He must hate me now. He has every right to. I even hate myself. What kind of a father am I if I manage to forget my son's birthday, a day he had been talking about non-stop? I ruined it all for him. What would he tell his friends when the weekend was over? That his stupid dad forgot his birthday? Would they even believe him?

When I enter his room, I see Jules laying on his bed, facing me, pretending so hard to be asleep. He's squinting hard just to make it seem as if he has his eyes closed. I can still see tears lingering by the corners of his eyes and it breaks my heart into pieces knowing that I had been the source.

I want to take his hand. I want to hug him. I want him to know that I love him even though he might not think so himself. I take a step closer to him and he flinches. If possible, my heart breaks into million more pieces. He doesn't want me here. I bend down to get in level with his bed, hoping that through squinting eyes he'll be able to see how sorry I truly am.

"Jules," I start. "Jules, bud. I need you to know that I'm terribly sorry. I really am."

No response.

"And I love you, I always have." A tear slides down his cheek, but he still makes no sound. I take one last, long look at him, trying to imagine all the crappy things he's gone through at such a young age before I leave the room.

And I can't help but cry after I hear him burst out in tears once his door is closed.

* * *

Have you ever started walking through your town or city without a purpose? Maybe you're trying to find a purpose. Maybe you're trying to empty yourself from all the crappy things that have been going on. Or maybe you're just trying to get lost.

I don't know why I started walking. I just did. My presence wasn't welcomed in the house anymore and everyone had made sure to communicate that to me in some sort of way. They were right to feel that way about me. It would have been weird if they didn't.

Would the world be a better place without me? Would everyone be happier if I just disappeared? I would be happier. A lot happier. I'd let down so many people in my life and I sure wouldn't want that list to get any longer.

My thoughts get interrupted as I trip over a rock on the sidewalk. The people around all look at me, some worried while others afraid. I must look pretty horrible. God only knows the number of days since my last shower.

I stand up and take in my surroundings. I hadn't quite realized where I had walked all the way to; my old high school neighbourhood. At the least, it was a 90-minute walk away from my current neighbourhood. Had I really walked for that long?

Most things look the same as they had back then. It's one of the cheaper neighbourhoods, which makes sense as to why there was so little change. Walking down the road, I can't help but give in to all the memories that flood in. I look at the small park where we had played countless games of truth or dare when in elementary school. I see the old grocery store where I always bought cheap candy from whenever I felt sad, which happened quite frequently. I then see the tiny bookstore that Renee would always be at whenever she wasn't home.

I stand in front of the closed bookstore, peeking inside. For some odd reason, I'm looking for Renee even though I know she moved out of this city long ago to "pursue a better education". I wish she was here. She would have known how to fix everything. She would have been able to put two and two together and create a formula that would solve all my problems.

With a tiny spark of hope inside of me, I start walking to her old house. Maybe she'd come back to visit her parents after such a long time. After all, it was Christmas season.

The thought of seeing Renee overwhelms me. I hadn't seen her in such a long time. Was it 10 years? Would she be fine if, out of the blue, I appeared in front of her house? From the years that I knew her, she didn't seem like the type that would care. Having that thought in mind as reassurance, I keep on walking.

How different would she be? I don't think she would have changed much since the last time I saw her, but I mean, it is a possibility. Had I even changed? Would she even recognize me? I start cursing at myself for not having kept contact with her through the years. She'd always been one of the few people who understood all the crappy things I experienced in life and I question how I even managed to lose contact with such an amazing person. If I were to receive a dollar for every time I realized I've done something stupid, I'd make a billionaire feel poor by now.

I stop dead in my tracks when I come in front of her old house. All the rooms are pitch black. No light. No sign of life. I know that Renee left for the States to continue her studies but her parents... they hadn't moved, had they?

I inch a bit closer, for some reason scared of what I might see. From the long grass and the garbage across the lawn, I knew that it'd been a long time since anyone had taken care of the house. No one within the Torstan family was capable of being this messy.

"Whatcha lookin for, you thief?" an old man croaks at me. "Get off my lawn!" From unexpectedly hearing the man's raspy voice, I fall hard onto the ground. The old man looks at me with crooked eyes, pointing his wooden cane at my face as if he was about to strike me.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" I blurt out, frightened by the sharp end of the man's cane. "I was just looking for the Torstans... They used to live here, I'm pretty sure." The old man snickers and looks at me as if I'm an idiot who's been living under a rock.

"They left a long time ago, you fool," he spits at me. I try hard not to gag as his spitballs make their way onto my clothes. "The parents. They left everything after their tragic loss." I frown at the guy. Is he hallucinating or something? Is he making this all up? What loss?

The man must have seen my confused expression because he continues on with his story. "The Torstans. They divorced once she took her own life away. Everyone knew they wouldn't last without her. She was the glue keeping them together. And well, once she was gone, everything fell apart."

I don't understand a word that comes out of the man's mouth, and I don't think I want to. I shake my head at him. "What the hell are you talking about? The Torstans? Renee Torstan?"

The man scoffs. "That's the one. And she's been dead for 8 years, never to be seen again."

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