Broken Light

~ Chapter Sixteen ~

My fingers immediately begin to shiver as I step out into the cold, crisp air. Even though the sun shines bright right above my head, it's no match for the ruthless morning wind.

I start running for two reasons. One is to warm myself up before the wind takes me down. The last thing I want is to die of hypothermia before I get a chance to fix my stupid mistakes. The second reason is to empty myself from all the wicked thoughts inside my brain. There is only one thing I need to focus on now and not all the other bullshit that quite frequently fills my head. It should have always been like this. I should have never cared or allowed other people's crappy thoughts and expectations to sneak their way into my life.

But, I did.

And now, after realizing all the dumb decisions I've been making all along, I need to own up to my mistakes and fix everything. I need to do what's best for myself as I always should have.

Do what you gotta do. Do what's best for you in life.

Renee was right after all. It just took me a long time to understand what she fully meant.

It's your life. All yours alone. You're the one who needs to be happy with it, not any of the people around you. Not the goddamn society. Not the goddamn world. Just you and yourself, because if you think about it, by the end of the night when all the lights are turned off, nobody is helping you carry the weight of the world. It's all on your shoulders alone.

And just as well I know this now, I also know it's a lot easier said than done, just like everything else in this cruel world. It'll take time, a lot of time if I'm to be honest. It'll take time to fix things. It'll take time to fix myself and the view I've had on life for the past 30 years. But the change needs to start now.

And it needs to start with square number one.

* * *

I walk into Alex's room for one last time. I look at the plain white walls and the machines surrounding his lifeless body.

In a few days, everything here will be gone.

The Clanes had finally reached a decision. Well, in reality, it really wasn't a decision. It was fate. It was the future. It was the only option. Alex wasn't gonna wake up and the doctors had made it clear a long time ago. It'd been months, months since his coma began with no improvements whatsoever. Quite the contrary, with his body growing weaker day after day.

They'd done another brain scan to reassure themselves on their verdict. Another brain scan just so that they could stick the facts into our faces once again as if the first time hadn't been painful already. The results, as they said they'd expected, was the same. He had no chance of regaining consciousness.

Sitting by his bed, I take his hand in mine and I start to cry. I cry with no shame, with no regret. I don't care anymore about what other people will think. I don't give a damn. I need to empty myself and that's it. I need to empty the bomb that started forming inside me a long time ago.

Looking at his calm face, it hits me for the first time. I'll never see Alex again. These are my last few moments with him alive. There is a lot to say, a lot of things that should have been said years ago when he was fully responsive. Things that should have been said when his actual presence was with me rather than up in the clouds. I lost that chance because I took my time. I lost that chance because I was afraid.

And soon, I'll lose this opportunity as well.

I take a deep breath, imagining that he's actually beside me, imagining that he just has his eyes closed but has his ears fully with me. I smile at the thought, and through the tears in my eyes, it seems as if he's smiling too.

"I love you, Alex", I say, finally giving into the secret that had been hidden inside me for years. "I always have and always will. Don't you ever forget that."

With those words free out of my mind, I stand up and walk out the door, leaving Alex to linger with the thoughts that had filled my head since the day I met him.