Broken Light

~ Chapter Fourteen ~

Do you ever just want to die? Do you ever wish that a thief would come into your house and shoot you down, making life easier for everyone, including yourself? Do you ever question how you're still living when you've lost all the people that gave meaning to your life, the people that made life bearable? Well then, let me tell you one thing. You're not alone.

I knew I'd completely lost Alex the moment I saw him on the hospital bed, lifeless like a dead man's corpse. The truth is, I'd started losing him a long time ago, all because of my own stupidity. I lost him because I was afraid. I lost him because I didn't know how the rest of the world would see me if I were honest. I lost him because of my own dumb decisions. And when I saw him on the hospital bed, I knew he'd soon be gone forever, completely out of my life.

Then there is Lexie. I should have lost her a long time ago too. She should have left me once she found out a bit more about the monster I am on the inside. But she stayed. She stayed because she believed in us. She stayed because she thought we could stand the test of time. She stayed because she believed in fairytales. And even though she was a strong and persistent person in the beginning, I still managed to lose her slowly by slowly, day after day, year after year. Every time I failed her, every time I let her down, I killed the parts of her that believed in us. The parts that would have never given up ten years ago.

And of course, there is Jules. Sweet, little Jules, who would never forget to run and give me hug when I came home from work. Sweet Jules who would do anything just to have his dad smile at a joke he made. Sweet Jules who would do anything for a happily ever after. I let him down too... And soon, as he gets to see the stupid coward I am on the inside, he'll leave me just like every person I have ever loved in my life.

And lastly, there is Renee.

Renee Torstan.

How can you lose such a big part of yourself without even knowing it? How can you lose someone who pulled you across the road when you were down and not feel a stinging pain in your heart? How can you fail to be there for the one person who has always stood behind you like a mountain?

Even though she would never admit to it, I let her down too. She was always there. Always there when I needed her, and I never even thought to consider her side and how she felt about life. She was tired of it all. Tired of the negative thoughts in her head. Tired of being imprisoned inside a body she had grown to hate. Tired of being ruled by a world that didn't care. And I never did much to help her, always too preoccupied with my own little problems that I didn't see the beautiful flower that was withering away in front of me. And so I lost her. Just like that. Gone forever.

If I had the chance, I would rewind time and take her place. Why, why in this whole entire universe, would she decide to take her life when she had so much potential? She had so many opportunities ahead of her. So many things to look forward to. Why would she do this? Why would she break the one and only promise she ever made to me?

As I stand alone in the darkness, all the memories we'd made together pass by. I see her at my first therapy session, reading her French book. I see her irritated at the stupid mistakes I made as she tutored me in math, questioning if I'd ever get anywhere in life. I see her giving me a bright, big smile as I show her my first ever 100%. Then, I start to see her pain. I see her running away in fear every time we go to the bakery. I see her swallowing on her spit as she watches me eat, counting away at the birds in the sky. And I see her eyes. Her big, dark eyes that held the answers to all my questions. The eyes that gave me hope whenever I needed it. The eyes that understood all the parts who made me who I was.

And I cry. I cry once again because I know that soon, I'll lose the memories too, and after that, Renee Torstan will be completely out of my life, a dead flower that will stay forever forgotten.