Broken Light

~ Chapter Twelve ~

I sit down on the bench and watch the people passing by. I focus on each of their expressions, thinking about their lives and their problems. Can anyone tell by my face how crappy I was feeling? Looking at some of their faces, I could tell. I could tell an angry person from a happy one without a problem. Could they? Could they feel the negative thoughts going through my head? Could they tell how I wanted everything to end?

My phone rings, and it takes me a lot of effort just to get it out of my pocket. Lexie. Unconsciously, I start tapping my foot. What would she think? What would she say? Was there even much to say at this point?

I let the phone ring and close my eyes. She deserved so much better. She deserved someone who could love her as much as she loved the people in her life. She deserved everything in the world, so much more than I could ever give her.

It was Alex who first introduced us in the third year of university. I had already had a few classes with Lexie but the thought of talking to her had never reached my mind. She was beautiful, smart and everything else you would want in a person. Not someone that I could ever imagine myself with. She was simply too perfect. I was so taken back when Alex told me for the first time that Lexie was actually interested in getting to know me, your average, typical male.

We went to a coffee shop on our first date. I don't exactly know why I ended up going. Lexie was amazing and all but... I just wasn't interested in her. Maybe I went because Alex told me to. Maybe because I wanted to make Alex happy; because I wanted to make him proud. Or maybe because I just needed someone that would help me get over Alex.

We went on many dates after our first. After each date, I got to know more and more about the amazing person that Lexie was. I got to love her more and more... but just in a different way. I loved her, I still do, but just not in the way I should. Not in the way everyone expects. Not in the way a husband should love his wife.

I've made her life, her future, into a living hell. She may not realize it, and I don't think she ever will, but it's true. I ruined her life the moment we went on our first date. I made her life, our relationship, into a complete lie. And don't get me wrong, I felt horrible. I feel horrible every time I think about my intentions; all the lies I told her. She had given me everything, all she could offer, and in return, I'd given her nothing.

I should have stopped it. I should have stopped the relationship before it got out of hand. I should have done a lot of things, but as always, I was late. I had already messed up her life beyond a point of repair by the time I'd made my decision.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fidgeted by the door of the university dorm. It was getting dark and the cold breeze ran a shuddering chill down my spine. But even still, sweat had managed to break out across my forehead.

A part of me wished for Lexie not to be at her dorm. She could have been out with friends, having fun, gossiping about the days they'd passed without each other. But the more rational part of me knew that it was best if she was at her dorm. She deserved to know the truth. She deserved to know the truth about me.

I had to end our relationship.

It was for the best. I knew she would be heartbroken in the beginning. I would miss her too. I did love her, but just not in the same way that she did, and this wasn't fair, wouldn't be fair to her. She'd be hurt at first, but in the long run, it'd be better for her. She deserved someone who could love her as much as she did, and I wanted her to have that.

I knocked on her door and waited for a few seconds. From the scurried footsteps inside, I knew she was in her room. I took a deep breath and thought about what I was about to do. Would I tell her right away? Would it be better if I just ripped the bandage off in an instant rather than prolonging the process?