air catcher- phan

seven

(Phil)

Lots of people say they get butterflies in their stomach when something exciting happens. 

I had butterflies in my heart. 

They came from the way Dan felt about me. Or seemed to feel about me. How he listened when I poured out my feelings to him. His gentle kindness against all the torment of my mind was incredible. It was the one ray of sunlight peeking through the dismal clouds after the storm.

For some reason, instead of cutting away all my sins, I wanted to draw them.

I set down my backpack in the closet and went up the stairs to my bedroom down the hall. The gray walls filled with band posters greeted me as I pushed open the door.

On my desk was a cracked mug that now served as a pencil holder. I plucked a marker from it and listened to the sounds of the pencils and pens rattling against ceramic. Dangling out from the inside were my earbuds. I grabbed them and plugged them into my phone to listen to some music. It always calmed me, but nothing could settle the butterflies in my heart.

Randomly, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance began to play. I found comfort in the sadness of hearing Gerard sing "I am not afraid to keep on living / I am not afraid to walk this world alone". I understood those lyrics too well. I had been on the verge of death too many times. The blood. The rope. The bridge. All of this washed away as I drew zig-zags over my scars.

Only a true artist like Dan could draw spirals so well, so I used my pain to create my own infinite lines. They each tipped down to wind around my arm like a staircase.

Despite my contempt in drawing lines, one thought fogged my mind: Dan. He was so perfect. How his chocolate-brown hair got all curly-swirly when a breeze blew. The gentle rose colour dusting his cheeks, and how it grew brighter when he smiled. The freckles dotting his pale body. I wanted to lay down by his side and connect the dots.

Woah, Phil, that's gay.

But I was gay. I am gay.

That's why my parents and I are so distant.

But could I... could I really... like him?

This boy, a boy who I found crumpled on the locker room floor in a corner, a painful purple and blue covering his skin, the one who couldn't stand to see himself in the mirror. We had barely known each other, yet he already meant so much to me. Was this love? 

Maybe.

Then I remembered the slip of paper in my back pocket. I pulled it out and unfolded it. Dan's number had been scrawled on it. Should I?

No.

Why?

You're so dependent on him. You need to let your empty swallow you whole, not him as well.

But he understands.

Or does he?

Shut up.

No, you worthless waste of space.

Oh hush.

Listen to m-

I punched in the numbers and pressed the green button to call Dan. 

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

He thinks you are worthle-

"Hello? ...Phil?"

"Dan!" I said. Okay, I kind of squealed. "H-how are you?"

"I'm alright. What about you?"

Desperate to keep my stutters to a minimum, I tried my hardest as every word rolled off my tongue. "I'm... okay. What are y-you doing?"

"Studying for a math test. Indirect measures are horrible. You?"

"Just listening t-to music. You know... My... My Chem- c- chemic-a-" AH, SHHHHHHHINE A LIGHT.

"MCR? Oh I love them!"

Well done Phil, you could have just said "MCR".

"S-sorry for stutrering. Stuttering." I corrected myself.

"It's okay!" Dan said, "I still understand you!"

"Good," I replied. 

An awkward silence filled the space of conversation.

Say something.

"Well, um... thanks, f-for... for talking. Talking with me," I said.

Wow. Just wow.

"You're welcome," Dan said, "I was kinda lonely too."

Come on, Phil! Conversation 101: How do you hang up?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! 

"B-bye" was all I could choke out.

"Bye! See you tomorrow!"

~call ended~

I took a breath and leaned back onto the wall. As I spiraled into darkness and felt all my emotions drain away but sadness, I pondered how Dan managed to sound so happy despite everything. If this was really him, then I thought we would match well together.

Two crazy people, with every part of their worlds being broken by pain.

We were made for each other.

A.N.: yee this was fluffy 

The only reason I chose Famous Last Words by MCR is because I listened to it while writing and I love dat chorus

Also i'm pretty sure you're wondering how gay this is going to get. 

*snorts*

*laughs*

SO GAY. (no homo tho)

*coughing fit*

*dies*

~Izzy