Who We Used To Be // h.s

29

Emma.

It was Alex's birthday. Before, I've always struggled with his birthday being nine days before Christmas. Financially it's dented my bank balance. But this year with my salary as Harry Styles' hair stylist I've been able to buy him things guilt free.

I decided to keep the party low key and family and close friends only. Harry was coming along with his mum who was down for the weekend and Gemma.

My mum was staying with me and arrived last night, she was currently getting Alex dressed for the party.

My dad wasn't able to make it down, his treatment he had yesterday had made him feel too unwell. He felt awful not being here but I had promised him it was okay. We would be seeing him soon for Christmas anyway.

Harry and I were.. okay. It was hard for me and he knew that. It's not so much the fact that he could potentially be a father, it's the lies. That's what was hard. I would be fine then all of a sudden I'd think about it intensely, like in the shower or whilst out jogging. It would take over and hurt me and I'd feel myself becoming angry.

We weren't exactly perfect, but for now we were okay.

"There's my gorgeous boy!" I smile as Alex runs in.

Alex looked gorgeous in the new clothes I'd ordered him. I can't believe he's three now.

I took annoying amounts of photos, making him stand and smile for me, he did for a couple of minutes then eventually he got bored.

People started to arrive at 12:30 - Daniella was first, she's always on time to things. I smiled as we greeted one another, I hadn't seen her in a while and it was nice to have a catch up before everyone arrived.

Next, was Harry, Anne and Gemma. Anne had a bag full of presents, but Harry was holding an envelope.

"What's this?" I frown.

He shrugs as he kisses me lightly. "It was on your doormat."

I didn't recognise the handwriting but it had been sent in the post, from abroad.

"Just give me a minute, watch Alex?" Harry nods watching me walk away.

Sitting on my bed, I take a deep breath. I had a little idea who it could be from, but I wasn't 100% sure.

Emma.

I think the only way I can start this letter is by saying sorry. Sorry for everything.

I wanted to write to you as I didn't know of any other way of contacting you, I don't have your UK number and I'm not on social media to search you.

Recently, I lost my father. It was so heartbreaking I felt my whole world had been shaken. He passed suddenly and unexpectedly and it made me realise how precious life is.

What I feel missing him is what I don't want my son, our son to feel. But I may be too late.

I am sorry for being a coward, I'm sorry for leaving you to pick up the pieces and bring up our child. I was young, clueless and selfish.

I live in central Paris now, I was promoted in my job. I'd love, if you like, for you and our son to visit me. Only if you would like.

I'm not asking for forgiveness, all I ask if I try to mend the broken path I paved.

Please, get back to me.

Marco.

He had left his address, number and email.

Sighing, I fold the letter.

"You okay?" Harry asks as he stands at my door.

I nod. "Alex's dad. He wrote to me,"

Harry tilts his head. "Oh,"

"Wants me and Alex to visit him,"

Harry frowns watching me as I place the letter on my bedside table and head back down the stairs.

"He gave up that right when he walked out on you both,"

I turn around on the stairs. "You're not in any position to comment,"

He scoffs. "I think I'm allowed to have an opinion."

"And where was my right to have an opinion when you got someone pregnant? Oh, I didn't have one because you hid it for weeks."

I stomp down the stairs, Harry hot on my trail.

"Emma-"

"Don't-" I stop him in his tracks. "It's my sons birthday. Don't."

I head in to the kitchen to find everyone, Chloe had arrived as well as some of Alex's nursery friends who he was playing with.

"You okay honey?" Anne rubs my back gently as if she could tell something was off.

"Perfect," I lie.

The party went smoothly, Alex was happy surrounded by people who loved him. Things with Harry were quiet, I'd barely spoken with him and he'd known to keep his distance.

Alex was having a nap, my mum, Harry and Gemma were in the living room and Anne was helping me tidy up in the kitchen.

"What's going on sweetie?" She asks softly.

I place more paper plates in the bin bag she was holding. "I'm guessing you know about this potential baby,"

She nods.

"Just finding it hard, that's all."

"That's only natural, any woman would."

"Just.. I don't know. Something I don't want to think about,"

"Why's that?" She tilts her head.

I start to wash and she dries. "Because if it is his, then there can't be an us."

Harry.

"..Because if it is his, then there can't be an us." I was about to ask Emma and my mum if they needed any help when I accidentally overheard them talking about me. I felt I couldn't intrude, I knew I should have gone back to the livingroom, but instead I stayed by the door.

"I understand but he loves you, you too could make it work," Mum, always the optimist.

"From the way I see it, is that she's a new mother. She's going to be demanding and want everything for their child, as she should. Including a father. I didn't have Alex's dad to help me with anything, so why would I keep Harry from his child? I'm not a selfish person Anne, I think in order to be selfless and as painful as it may be, I'd have to let Harry go and be a father that he wants to be and what he should be."

I understand where she's coming from, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

"You're very special Emma. You always have been,"

There was a moment of silence.

"I'm no one special, I just want everyone to be happy, always have done."

I look down.

"But what about your happiness Em? What about what you want?"

I heard Emma clear her throat and I want to go in and hug her, kiss her, tell her it was okay. She always cleared her throat when she was stopping herself from crying.

"My happiness isn't important if it makes others miserable."