Rambles

Sad Ramble?

Today is my grandfather's birthday.
He would be 65 years old today.

We are going to a restaurant, his favorite restaurant. This is the same Restaurant that fueled my Dad's alcoholism. Its always very loud and very busy. Im gonna be there with my family of 16.

It's in his memory but its hard. Its been two years now but it still hurts so badly.
He was only 63.

He was taken from us too soon. Died of a heart attack while he was in Florida. Momma woke me up and told me "Get your bags packed we're going to Florida." I was confused but did as told. She told me Granddaddy had a heart attack which scared me but I thought he was ok. So did she. Dad knew he was already gone but kept that information from us so when we got there and were told he passed it hurt so much more.

In the car I had made a small rainbow loom snake with his favorite colors to give to him but I never got the chance.

They got his heart beating again but he was brain-dead. His body was alive but his spirit wasn't there anymore. The last time I saw him was in the hospital bed with tubes in the throat and machines hooked up to him to keep him "Alive"

Even in death he was kind and generous. He was an organ donor and his organs saved the life of three people.

Granddaddy was my best friend. He was there when my Dad was slobbering drunk and abusive. He was there when I needed a friend or a shoulder to cry on. He was Always there for us. He encouraged me, made me smile, made me laugh, scolded me when I needed to be.

He was the most wonderful man I've ever met. I love him so much and I miss him so much.

After his death I was in pieces. I didn't know what to do. I was so so sad and hurt and angry. My depression got worse and worse. It was an endless spiral of sorrow and grief. It got so bad I was suicidal for the longest time. I thought about it late at night, how easy it would be to take the gun from my mother's purse and send a bullet through my skull.  The bullet that would finally make me happy again. (Jeebus that was so edgy)

But I never did because it would hurt my family even more.

Oh we're here now.
End of rant I guess.