Until Proven Innocent

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

BEFORE
Weston Waters
February 24, 2016

Another day gone and passed and the feeling of dread and defeat still consumes me. I don't know what to do with myself. It's as though I can feel the emotions draining from my body each day. She is draining the life from me.

I know that's horrible to say. I know it's horrible because she's going through hell. But she's dragging me down with her.

I've been trying to stay strong and keep my head above water. Emerald is my motivation. I have to do this for her – that's what I keep reminding myself. Because if I crack and fall apart, she'll have no one. Both of her parents will be a wreck and she'll have no one to care for her. I can't let that happen. We made the decision to bring her into this world, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work and give her a good life. I have to.

My receptionist, Carla, has been noticing that something is off. She's a sweet girl, but her constant checking up on me isn't helping. In fact, it's probably irritating me even more. Last week she began bringing me coffee every morning. I guess that's her way of trying to help. I appreciate it, I really do. But all of the coffee in the world can't fix what's wrong. A broken home. A broken life.

Is that what my life has become? Broken? My head-space is a disaster. I can't think straight, let alone get work done. I feel as though I'm letting my patients down every time I have to fake a smile or cancel an appointment.

Some days I feel like giving up. As though the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. Perhaps I should speak to someone. A therapist, or someone who can help me cope.

I know I should be grateful. I should be grateful that Cordelia is alive and breathing, and that we have a healthy baby girl. But so many other things are astray.

I wish I could rewind time and prevent Cordelia from developing the psychosis. I don't even know if there is a way to prevent it, but I'd dedicate my damn life to finding out how. No one should have to experience what we have gone through these past few months. It's a tragedy, really. I've lost my wife. The old Cordelia. The woman I fell in love with.

I hope she's still in there, sheltered somewhere temporarily until the storm is over. I try to think positive and hope for the best, but right now, even that is difficult to reach for. No matter what I do, life just seems to be continuously going downhill and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

____

I've been going to Finnick's Tap a few times a week after I finish work. It's become a solace for me. Somewhere I can escape temporarily and avoid my problems.

I know that's wrong, avoiding the problems. It would be much healthier and efficient to solve the problem. But you see, I can't do that right now. There is no solution to this problem. So until there is, I will come here to escape the pain, drinking away my sorrows.

I won't turn into an alcoholic, I can guarantee that. I have far too much control and autonomy over my life. I would never let it get that far. And even if I did catch myself slipping – even just the slightest – I would bring myself back. I need to be there for Emerald. I won't destroy my life like that. This is just a break. It's what I need right now.

It's quarter-past-six when I glance at the clock and decide I should probably head home. My weekly routine has consisted of coming to Finnick's, getting a couple of drinks, staying for an hour or so, then going home. Cordelia hasn't even questioned my whereabouts. Not that I'm hiding this from her, but I'd prefer if she didn't know. She'd worry – think I was giving up on her. She's already going through enough, I couldn't put her through more.