Escaping Sorrow

Does Dreaming Kill Absent Recollection

I think as humans,
Or maybe just as the little girl I once was,
We have a certain tendency to reach for what's not there.
Whoever he is; he's never been there.

I thought and I didn't,
I hated or I paid no attention
And it hasn't always been so daunting,
But I can't figure out why it started
Recently I realised it's dragged on a lot longer
Than I cared to take note of,
Because I'm not supposed to let it hurt me.
Absence doesn't mean pain, it just means someone's not there.
I was told to believe it,
Not call it unfair.

Eventually searching seemed like the right thing to do,
I was undecided;
I only wanted a look,
Someone else messaged instead
Which invited some guy to mess me more up.
Rejected again, then his brother showed up.
The better option who ended up seeming possible,
But that wasn't right.
Two men down
Now I'm too scared to find out:

I sit by myself and dream of so much,
I take my pick and it's no one like the real life suspects
Which now I am told I shouldn't bother to try,
The last time was terrifying like I'd never known,
I didn't know it could be so hard to come to terms with,
Conclusions weren't prepared though so disruptions to my emotions were in abundance.
I'm back to the drawing board,
Not sure if I want to draw
I make my own father up inside my head where it's safe,
And he can leave if I want him to
But he'd probably make sure to leave me there too;
Alone in the dark corners of my mind
About how a little girl is stuck inside me
Because she missed out part of her childhood she watched everyone else with:
The father daughter hugs in the playground, anything involving a person she didn't have.

When I was younger,
After a point I didn't let this bother me.
It's just how it is for me,
How it's always been.
I would think about how people might find it pitiful
But it isn't because it's all that I've known,
But that's not true anymore
Because now I want it.
I wanted to have been a cute little girl with a so called 'daddy' to hug and give me kisses at night.
I spend my days thinking how that wasn't the case,
How I can never go back,
Even if I solve the puzzle by finding the missing piece.

Truthfully, and very
I worry that men are disruptive
Because the ones my mother used to know seem to have been.
If I find him now it will hurt me more whatever the circumstance,
So I hide and hurt myself even more by imagining too many fantasies,
To everyone else it's just a fun game,
They don't seem to understand the pain.

13/11/17