Escaping Sorrow

In Waiting of the Answer I Used to Want

Tomorrow there will be no more
"Who the fuck are you?"
Or "where have you been?"
Then I won't really have to wonder a thing.
Only I'm not sure I want to know,
I guess I want to hide some more,
But there's nowhere left to go.

I'm still sore,
I can't figure out how to respond
To the answer that I'm far too scared of.
Once I know I can't escape it,
And that's the only way I attempt to get through everything.

I long ago concluded that,
I want nothing of you like you do of me,
Reflections are easy you see.
Now you've changed you're mind,
Oh, actually it was just all a lie.
You've changed from the person I was told,
The reasons differ as much as my confusion;
And I don't know what to do.

You seem to want something to do with me.
Well that wasn't supposed to happen,
None of this should even be.
Now everything I know is changing,
Thoughts are cascading
But really they're still the same:
Except for you, they need to change.

Although, I don't know how to do it.
How can you change everything you've felt?
I don't need a so-called "father,"
I don't ever want one to walk me down the aisle.
Before I never cared,
You deserve everything you get from me,
That's altered now because you seem unalike what I planned.

That doesn't make it enough for me though,
It's terrifying to add another male to your life -
Well perhaps just for me;
I'm starting to think men scare me,
This offers me no kind of security,
Adaptations aren't stable because they're not the same,
Now nothing can go away.

I already knew 'ignorance is bliss.'
I found that out before,
I didn't learn my lesson though,
Now I'm just hurting myself with truths I'm waiting for.
I've always said you don't deserve it,
That you have no right to make me feel like I owe you something,
That I had to do anything
Because you want it.
That's what's happening though, again,
And I have no clue what it is I want.

I don't know the answer though,
I'm still waiting and it will probably come tomorrow.
That's horrifying but I'll have to be calm.
Anyway, if the answer is negative,
Then this disaster of fear and confusion
Will evaporate, it will just disappear.
Then I can go back to how it was before,
But either way I'll feel guilty:
I'll have done something wrong.
And I'd say I'm sorry,
But since I was a little girl
-even without knowing this thought-
I promised myself that I won't.
I've nothing to be sorry for.
And now all of my belief is half gone.

21/9/17