California Love

Chapter 15

Let's go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating away yeah
Ooh yeah this feel so crazy; oh this Love is blazing
Baby we're so high... walking on cloud nine

Cutty
    It was only two thirty in the evening and I was still laid up in this king size bed with T. I was never the type to stay in the bed this late regardless if I was on mini vacation but I guess she was changing me sort of making me wanna be a better me. Regardless of what it sound like to anybody I know it was crazy but the more I thought about I haven't known shorty that long but she was growing on me in a way that no female had. Just the conversation we had alone was mind stimulating and it was the first time I  felt like I didn't have to play this tough street nigga role as if I could truly be myself not even just that I was learning new things about myself. Expanding what truly interest me and I realize I was into poetry and jazz... just the thought of Shae hearing me say this I could already imagine her laughing in my face. I wouldn't be surprised if Milan didn't know who Langston Hughes is but T was educated and also kept an open mind. After making it to the beach house and settling in we laid around the house being lazy and eating all kind of food and  just talking no sex, no kissing, and nothing extra. She just made me want to change my life for the good like really get into the whole religion thing that I never believed in. That's when I realized I had been so caught up with T that I completely forgot about my phone, not once did I check to see if Shae called me or sent me any messages about where tf I was literally nothing. I kind of didn't mind though I wanted to soak in peace and just relax every muscle in my body. "Cutty do you have kids" she asked breaking me from my thoughts. "No" I said bluntly hoping she wouldn't ask anymore questions pertaining to that subject. She lay back on the bed and closed her eyes as if she was getting ready to go to her happy place or something. "I understand we don't have to talk about it Cutty I want you to free your mind of any stress or anything that brings you negative vibes..okay?" She said keeping her eyes close. That comment made me want to open up to her more it was like she had some kind of mind power over my ass damn. " I used to want kids but I wanted to do it the right way you know? Like get financially stable, get out the streets, settle down with a beautiful woman and have me a lil jr or princess running around here. I never wanted just a baby mama hell I've watched so much fucked up shit happened with my homeboys it kind of scare me now..." I stop talking wondering if I should even continue to open up about EVERYTHING. "I never knew my biological parents... I went through so many foster homes and experience growing up in so many different environments. When I did actually get attached to the first woman who treated me as her own child she died of a heart attack while I was in a juvenile center for some dumb shit and everyday I wish I would've just been a good son or atleast close to a good son for her man. Miss Sims ain't give a fuck what nobody said all she knew was I was her black son and she was my white old mama. The first foster mama I had that whooped my ass for stealing from the corner store" I said laughing realizing how funny it is now. We laughed and laughed as I described how embarrassed I was because she spanked my ass in front of my supposed to be friends and made me apologize to the store owner. "What did you take?" She asked still laughing at me. "A got damn pack of lighters for me and my scary ass friends, we thought we was grown trying to smoke cigarettes." I say embarrassed of my own actions. "Atleast you had one mother that loved you unconditionally" she said looking at me and rubbing my hand. "Yeah you right. I'll never forget when she pulled a gun out on this girl mama because she was accusing me of raping her daughter when everybody in the hood knew her daughter was going. That bitch would fuck for anything a pack of gum, two fucking dollars, shit throw her nasty ass a used two brush and she will suck the skin of your dick. I was just trying to see what the hype was all about and wanted to be able to say I got some pussy" I explain. "That's crazy" she say rubbing her fingers through her short hair. "So have you ever thought about retiring from the game and letting the streets go" She asked as if she was really curious. "Not really it's just something about the power of having the lil solders respect you and look up to you plus it's only one way out this game and that's 6 feet under shorty" I responded. "You can't just move away and start over" She asked as if she was working her way up to her point. "You can start over all you want but the game gone follow you regardless and the worst part of it all is when it can't get to you it hurt the people you love and trust the most". I say hoping I answered any questions she was truly trying to ask me. "Well hopefully in the future we will figure out some type of game plan and change our whole life style." She said sort of getting to her point. I guess shorty was feeling me just as much as I was feeling her, the fact that she use the words we and our in her vocabulary let me know she was really caring for a nigga or had big plans too if not already.

Two days later
Shae
     As I sat on my balcony and poured my first glass of red wine I thought about how sad today was going to be for Marlow. I couldn't imagine loosing a child or let alone having to burry her I don't know just feel like a parent should never have to burry their child first. I just needed something that would calm my nerves and I read online that one glass of  red wine wouldn't hurt the baby as long as I didn't make it a habit. Truth be told I really needed the whole bottle or a blunt but I wasn't bout to harm my first unborn. It sounded funny just thought of life growing inside of me, something I always wanted for the longest. I was starting to believe I really couldn't have kids, me and Cutty was trying for a while but it never happened until now... maybe god was trying to tell me something. I felt like he was sending me sign after sign but I continue to ignore it and I admit that's my fuck up. I knew it was time for me to set a doctors appointment or something to see how far along I even was so I could maybe have the slightest idea of who baby I was even carrying. I knew I fucked up I mean I really fucked up like what kind of person fuck off on their husband with their husbands right hand man not just right hand man but childhood friend. This was some nasty drama that was waiting to unfold and I knew it was time for me to prepare for the judgement and most importantly to protect my baby from any harm that could come his/her way. I honestly didn't care who baby it was if Cutty was gone leave me then he was just gonna have to do just that because I wasn't going to kill my baby. Call me selfish because I want my baby I don't care I was growing to love the baby and I wasn't bout to let no man take that away from me. Just then I got a text from Amari "this is completely wrong I haven't seen my babies since I been back nobody will tell me nothing! I don't know when the funeral is or what we gonna do for Zach birthday tomorrow... please tell me something girl Marlow does not have to know." Now this was just some more shit I was not prepared for, I had to take another sip of my wine after reading that message. I decided I was not going to get in the middle of their shit it was sad enough that she was going to miss her child funeral but atleast she remembered Zach's birthday. I forward the message to Marlow asking what should I say if anything at all. He had been gone all day with the two boys Amari dropped off on the old lady and finishing up last minute funeral arrangements to burry Zee.  Witnessing him be a full time dad seriously made my juices flow and it was a quality I never saw in Cutty so yeah I secretly praying this baby was Marlow's.
My phone vibrated with a text from Marlow "did you see if your aunt could baby sit Zach and Mariah for hour until the funeral is over?" He seriously ignored my whole message about Amari well there was my answer in between the lines so I text back to let him know she said yes. I had so much going on when he first ask me to see if my aunt could I had forgotten to call her and check up on her. I knew I needed to go visit her more but to be honest that house just brought me so many memories of my cousin Keisha. A lot of times I would blame myself for her death because I wasn't there for her and I hated myself for it we  did everything together but the night she was murdered we wasn't on speaking terms all over some stupid rumors. Nobody knew but Keisha had started dealing with this man that basically taught Cutty everything he know about the game and I remembered the last time I seen her she was high off some drugs and I ain't talking about the green crack they grow here in Cali. She was so high that her eyes was so low they was almost close and she was calling me all types of bitches and hoes she even said I was just jealous of her. She accused me of wanting this nigga who look like he could be both of our dads. I guess I had got so caught up in the streets with Cutty I forgot to look out for Keisha. We literally did everything together and every year I'm reminded of her on our birthday because it's the day she took her last breath on our birthday and I wasn't there. I had to pour myself a second glass before the tears began to fall I knew I shouldn't have a second glass but I had to many emotions going on inside me and I just wasn't ready to let it out and I just couldn't let it go.