Boy/Boy Problems

Six Hours and Forty Seven Minutes

It was as the cabin crew prepared for take off that Teddy King realised the monumental mistake he'd made. He searched through his bag frantically, feeling for the small bottle he took with him on every single flight. It wasn't there, he felt nothing. He could see it, in his mind, sitting on the table beside the bed in his hotel room where he'd left it the night before. He'd left his valium behind, he was alone without any reprieve in a giant metal tube suspended in mid air for six hours and forty seven minutes and there was nothing he could do about it.

Teddy's second instinct was, of course, to find the one person that could fix every one of his mistakes. Unfortunately when he looked up from the frantic search of his carryon it was not Rah he saw, instead he was confronted with a nervous looking girl no older than fifteen. Rah had, at the last minute, been called away for some reason Teddy couldn't remember, so Teddy had been left to fly alone. He was okay with that, especially considering he had planned to pass out and wake up on the other side.

The girl was swaying on her feet, clutching her phone as though it held the secrets of the world. It probably did, thought Teddy. He knew where this was going, he'd seen those flushed cheeks and excited eyes before. Under normal circumstances he'd have been happy to take a photo or follow her on Twitter, or whatever it was she wanted, but he could feel panic rising with stomach bile he may or may not vomit up before the plane took off so he was not in the mood for fans. Teddy was almost able to force his face to smile when someone shouted the girls name, "Lily" like Teddy's sister, and she ran back to her seat leaving Teddy alone with his fear.

Teddy hadn't flown anywhere without valium since his first trip to Los Angles, which he'd spent in such a panic that he'd had to sleep for three days afterwards. You'd think it would have gotten easier since then, with the amount travelled, but Teddy's flight related anxiety just got worse and worse. Lily said that was probably because he'd masked the symptoms with chemicals rather than actually trying to work through the root of his fear. Teddy knew she was probably right, she almost always was, but he'd barely had time to shit since he was seventeen let alone embark on some kind of comprehensive cognitive reeducation. Valium was all he had.

Still sitting on a plane, alone, with no one but some smiling cabin crew and a teenage girl starring intently in his direction for company, Teddy regretted not taking the time to at least listen to a podcast on coping strategies or something.

Breath, Teddy told himself. His eyes closed tightly as though he'd somehow be able to trick himself into believing he wasn't about to leave his life in the hand of science he didn't really understand. He ran his fingers through his hair, a little disgusted by the amount of product that coated his hand. He'd almost forgotten he was in public and therefore in costume as Teddy King. He wiped his hands on his pants because he'd be changing them before he got off the plane anyway, and went back to imagining he was anywhere but where he was.

Teddy ran through every mind game he could think of, every single trick he used when he was about to go on stage but none of them worked. The music in his ear felt like it was coming from another room no matter how loud he played it. Nothing held his attention long enough for him to ignore the way the plane bumped a little as it made it's way to the runway. He knew, of course, that there was one topic that might shift his focus long enough for him to make through take off at least but he really didn't want to go there.

The plane shook a little as it turned and Teddy gave in turning his mind to the only thing that distracted him from everything, Luke. His face filled Teddy's mind, it wasn't the same as the fog of relaxation that accompanied valium but there was a singular focus to Teddy's thoughts of Luke that stopped anything else from getting a look in. Teddy remembered the way Luke had looked watching him play piano only a few days before. The content, the contempt, the confusion, the compassion. Teddy knew there was something in that look he should accept but he couldn't. He didn't understand it, he wasn't ready.