A Solitude in Hugs

7/story one/

"Okay okay okay okay okay." Evan said, plopping down on his bed. "So, you're telling me, you're catching feelings for a seventeen year old?"

My eyes widened. "What?! No, no what, how did you get that out of what I just told you?"

"Um, dude, you just went on a thirty minute rant on how this one boy is ruining your entire life, and how everything reminds you of him. And then you started talking about the flirty things he says and then the flowers and then how you're starting to get jealous of his girlfriend?? Call me crazy, but I think you have a crush. PHILIP YOU HAVE A CRUSH, DONT YOU?"

"HE'S SEVENTEEN!" I exclaimed, "No! I can't!"

Evan through a pillow from his bed at me, waving his hands in the air. "I KNOW HE'S SEVENTEEN THAT'S WHY IM YELLING AT YOU!"

"Well, shit!" I replied, picking up the pillow and throwing it back. "I don't know!"

Evan narrowed his eyes and threw the pillow yet again. "No, you take this pillow in shame! You're going crazy!"

"Maybe!" I said, picking up the pillow frustratedly. "I just feel something and I can't help it!"

"How did this happen, Phil?" Evan asked quietly, shaking his head. "How did this even fucking happen?"

I sigh and plop down on our couch, burrowing my face in the pillow he threw at me. I really wish I knew how to answer. I wish I could fade away. "I...I don't know. He just...I don't know."

I knew Evan was staring at me, all hunched over and hiding from the world in a pillow, obviously ashamed of my own feelings. He seemed hesitant as he spoke. "I know you spend a lot of time with this boy, Phil, but you can't fall in love with him. Maybe get the teacher to take over the detentions, or even intern at another school if he'll still distract you. Because you're twenty-three and he's not even eighteen yet. And not only that, but you're his student teacher and you just can't like him like that. Think of how bad that will look when you actually become a high school teacher."

I look up at Evan, hugging the pillow to my chest. "I know you're right, but...I'll miss all of our talks and I'll miss him. It'll feel like Him, it'll feel like I lost another one."

"When are you going to start saying Jonah's name?" Evan said quietly, and I flinched.

"That's besides the point. I...I can't do this, Evan. I don't want to fall for him, but I just can't leave either."

"Besides the point?" Evan says, scoffing at me. "Don't you dare say Jonah's beside the point. I know he broke your heart but he was your everything, and I know you think of him everytime you look at Dan."

"No, I don't." I say defensively, feeling a bit angry. How could he tell me how I feel? What I think? I do not compare Him to Dan.

"The flowers? The stars? The way you say beautiful? You used to tell me Jonah was like that all the time."

"Dan is different."

"Of course he is. He's seventeen and alive. But Phil, you know he's going to break your heart the same way. He's going to leave."

"Please don't say that." I begged quietly, tears filling my eyes. Why does everything hurt? "Please, don't say that to me."

Evan sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, but I only want what's best for you. You're jumping into feelings because Dan's just like Jonah. He's bright, he's young, he dreams big, he's flirty, and he always fills your head with the most amazing of stories and words. Remember when you said that to me about him? And I don't know Dan, but I'm willing to bet he's just as secretly hurt in the inside, because you're attracted to those you think you can fix with all the sunshine you are. But Dan is too young. I hurt when you hurt. Do you know that?"

I look up at Evan and he looks like he's begging me to let Dan go, to quit before I fall. Because we both know I always go for the wrong ones, the unsure young ones that make me laugh and make me cry. The broken ones. The puzzles and the spontaneous nerds with cute hair. I could keep falling for them until I was ash, so burned up on the fire in their touch. I was easy to blush. Easy to love.

"Okay." I say to him, "I will not fall for Dan Howell."

Evan sighs at me, searching for something in my eyes that I didn't know. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Phil. Don't do that to me."

//

Evan was my roommate. We owned a small one bedroom flat, considering we were both poor at the moment. Dorms were expensive and small, so we decided to get a place together. I was making zero money in my training year, but I spent all my time doing it and taking required online courses. Evan and I both went to the same university, except he was planning on becoming a doctor, and I wanted to be an English teacher, so obviously he was going to be going a lot longer than me. I was in my last year, but had no plans of moving away from Evan.

I met Evan in my freshman year of high school and we've been best friends ever since. Or at least, good friends. I used to have another best friend but I don't say his name anymore. But Evan, he never left me.

I got the bedroom, and Evan slept out near the kitchen. Our flat was arranged kind of weirdly. All of the room was in the living room so we just had two couches, Evan's bed, a dining room table with four chairs, some stools at the breakfast bar, a television complete with all of Evan's gaming consoles, and like a really sad, random comfy chair. That was all. Not much decor, space, or food in the fridge.

Evan worked at game stop, and was basically was the provider of the house. Meaning, he paid 3/4 of the rent. I only worked on the weekends at a restaurant, so I was the provider of like food, and a hundred dollars of the rent. I felt bad sometimes, but he was going to be rich one day and I was going to be a teacher so I didn't mind too much. I think I'll rely on everything from him a lot because that's what friends are for, right?

Anyway, I know what you're thinking. Phil, why the heck does this matter? And it really doesn't. Well, it didn't. Not until now. Because I made a promise to Evan, the guy who's only ever been there for me, that I wouldn't fall for Dan Howell.

And I think I'm breaking it, right now.

-

It's sad, but it's true