A Solitude in Hugs

13/story two/

AN: BRUH IVE HAD THIS DONE I JUST FORGOT I WAS UPDATING OMG IM SO SORRY😂
//

To sleep or not to sleep, that was the question.

Dan was laying in bed, his head spinning with all that he felt. He was dizzy with emotion, tired but wide awake, head in the clouds but they were raining.

And above the clouds was Phil, being the angel that he was. But he was the cause of the storm that was brewing. His tears were the rain that was soaking through Dan, causing him to try to keep himself above the water.

But was Phil the cause of the storm, or was Dan?
That was the real question.

Sure, it was Phil's sadness that made Dan's heart hurt, but it was Dan's fault Phil was sad. So I guess it went full circle. But Dan didn't understand it because he'd never felt this way before.

He'd never feared the sadness of someone more in his life. And what did that mean? There was a name for this fear, this worry for someone else. Dan couldn't reach it, couldn't hold his arms out for it because deep down he knew what he was really afraid of.

And the only thing worse than love is fear. And the only thing worse than fear is love. And the only thing worse than both was fear of love.
Or maybe love of fear.
/which would kill you first?/

Dan didn't understand either of them.

//

Keaton. That was a story.

You see it started after Stephanie...or was it Kayla? Dan didn't remember, he thinks it may have been Kayla that introduced him to her "best boy friend everrr lol" but he wasn't entirely sure he'd been paying attention. Because he was texting Phil about something he was freaking out about, some movie or game he liked. Honestly, living in two worlds is hard. He can't remember much of anything.

But he did remember Keaton, in fact, he remembered his first thought about Keaton. Closeted douchebag. And at the time it was just some joke he had with himself, it wasn't like he believed it was true. Keaton was nice enough, attractive, kind of dumb but it in a cute way, very...outgoing?? He guessed?? But Dan was not attracted to him at all. Not in the slightest.

So he really doesn't know how he ended up in his ass.

Oh my god, just kidding. They'd never done that, I'm so sorry.

Dan was not, and he couldn't make it more clear to Keaton, his fuck buddy. In fact, while their entire relationship was built on Keaton's crazy hidden gay hormonal needs, Dan had all the control in the situation. Keaton wouldn't move a muscle if Dan stopped the party. Because Keaton thought he needed Dan, and Dan didn't feel like he needed Keaton at all.

It was just a bit of fun.

That was until Dan found out Phil knew. Then it was not in the slightest bit fun at all. In fact, he felt sick and he didn't know why. He seemed to not know why so much was happening and it was frustrating. It also seemed everything that Dan did was fine with him until Phil cared. And then he felt like a dick.

And that's why Dan was at Keaton's right now.

"Dan? What...what are you here for?" Keaton asked, eyes wide.

"Care to take a wild guess?"

Keaton blushed. "I...my mom is home."

"Perfect," Dan said, entering the house without a care in the world.

"Dan!" Keaton whisper-shouted, turning him around. "What are you doing? You're going to get me killed."

"How so?"

"I'm majorly grounded, dude. Like, that woman took my phone and my computer away, I'm not allowed to leave the house, and I have to babysit my little cousins all weekend. I'm boned if I get caught with any friends."

"Huh. So that's why you didn't answer any of my texts."

"Yes, now gooooo before I can't answer any texts for the next year."

"Wait, Keaton I...I have to tell you something."

Keaton crossed his arms. "Alright, make it quick."

"Well, you know that thing we've been doing. All around the place that no one is supposed to know about?"

Keaton paused for a second before suddenly pushing Dan up the stairs. "Okay, fine, we'll talk, but be quiet."

"But, Keaton-"

"Shhhhhh." He shushed, pulling Dan to his bedroom. "She hears everything."

Dan stayed quiet until Keaton shut the door, and then Keaton sighed. "Okay, how bad is it? Did someone find out? Who was it? Was it a teacher? Am I in trouble, because I could totally get kicked off the team and my mom is already so fucking mad at me for-"

Dan put his finger to Keaton's lips. "Keaton. Shut. Up."

Keaton nodded and gulped, and Dan crossed his arms. "I came here to tell you, I'm calling it off."

The thing is, Dan had made a second thing real clear to Keaton: zero attachments. Like -100 attachments allowed. And the thing is Dan was really good at that, but some people, not so much. And because Keaton was so big on hiding, Dan thought he'd be good at it too.

But the way he looked when he told him that, said otherwise.

"What? W-Why?"

Dan sighed. "It's complicated. But this is for the best, trust me. Besides, you said if someone knows about it, it's all over, right?"

Keaton frowned. "Yeah, but...who found out?"

"Not going to use names, but two people that I know of, have seen it live. That's two more than anticipated. It's...it's not even really them either, Keaton, it's just...business is over, you know? Bingo."

Keaton gave Dan a look like something was hurting him. "I...I mean okay if that's what you want."

"It's what has to happen."

"I know but I just...still like you, you know?"

"Seriously? This is hard for you?"

And Dan realized then, he was actually being the biggest dick on planet earth without even noticing it. Phil had made it plenty clear that he was an asshole, and Dan felt like shit for it, but he was only conscious now if he thought he was being a dick to Phil. And with everyone else, he was just...an emotionless jerk.

Especially since Keaton wasn't answering and he looked extremely embarrassed and hurt. He didn't even know he had this affect on people, but it sucks. Why was he like this?

"I'm sorry," Dan said suddenly, and he felt guilt like he never had before, upsetting his stomach. "I'll just...see you around, Keat."

"Yeah...see ya," Keaton said sadly. Dan left pretty fast, his heart beating loudly in his chest because something about right then made him nervous. Keaton's sadness made him nervous. And so did realizing how bad of a person he was. It made him too aware of how awkward that situation was supposed to be if he had a heart in his chest. But the thing is, surprisingly, he did, and it was now starting to work. It was driving him crazy by the second.

Because his heart was cold, and always frozen, his mind the only thing he used to get by. But he can't forget that Phil started a fire, and he was thawing more every fucking day.

-

AN: He told Keat YEET