Living Silently

Condolences

"Austin"

I didn't know what to do with myself at the moment, the boys were in school, Noel was in class and I had the day off. The paper in my wallet seemed to call out to me but I wasn't sure if it was right to give in and have the conversation with my father. What was I going to get out of it? I'd probably end up just being angry. He didn't deserve to clear his conscious and say goodbye, just like he took saying goodbye to my mother away from me. I hated the idea of having to be the bigger person in this situation. Nemo looked up at me before getting disinterested and walking away.

"I'm not doing this fuck him," I said leaving the couch to go get a sparkling water from the refrigerator. I didn't even make it five steps away before I turned and pulled the paper out of my wallet. I grabbed my laptop from the coffee table and opened it waiting for the main screen to load before I accessed my Skype application. After waiting to make sure I typed in the username 'ORobinson24', before hitting call I made sure I looked right then pressed the button. I didn't know if he was awake or anything and was hoping he wouldn't answer but after a while, they answered. I could see his face clearly. He had oxygen pumping into his nose and was sweaty. I could see the yellow in his eyes and his hair was completely grey evidence of a life of working, drinking, and bottled up emotions.

"Austin," he said. His voice was weak and breathy unlike what I had last heard.

"Dad," I said to him. I had imagined what I would say to him on his deathbed but all the pettiness didn't seem to fit the moment.

"I didn't think you would call," he said licking his cracked bottom lip.

"I didn't think I would either," I told him honestly. If it wasn't for me having too much time on my hands today I probably wouldn't.

"I heard you got married and have kids," he said. I couldn't read how he felt about that.

"Yeah I got married two weeks ago and adopted our two boys," I told him.

"I'm happy for you," he said sounding sincere," you landed on your feet, I'm sure your mom was the one that showed you how to do that."

"Yeah, she was," I said to him. At least he knew he very little to do with me being where I was now.

"I'm sorry I sent your brothers the way I did. I really wanted to see you and apologize to face to face, to see you one last time, but that wasn't the way to do it. I don't know where to start," he paused to caught," I resented your mother and I took it out on you kids. I had everything, a football career, starting a small family and then I got injured and ended up on a farm with a large family. Your mother did her best to keep us all together, but at the time I didn't want any of that. Now laying in this bed surrounded by your sister's who took their first opportunity to get away from home, your brother's who waste their potential doing for me, and talking to you through a machine... I wish I had done better. I mean look at me I drank myself into a destroyed liver, diabetes, and pretty soon death. I should have done better by you. I was a horrible father, and husband and took away your mother from you and now I'll never have the chance to try to make things better," he said. I didn't know what to say to that since I never expected him to actually apologize. He never apologizes, it was just a hard fact about him but I guess dying changed that.

"I don't know what to say to that," I told him feeling this strange feeling in my chest.

"I've imagined this happening and cussing you out for not apologizing," I told him and he laughed or tried to before he coughed.

"Your mom would say something like that," he said. I don't know how but he ended up telling me stories about the good times with my mom. It was weird I was having a conversation with my father that was positive. Did I forgive him, no, but this was his last few days on Earth and I didn't want to lose sleep thinking about this later on in life?
We must have been talking for a long time because Noel walked in with the boys in their casual day clothes since it was Friday.

"Is that your family," my Dad asked moving his head as if that would change the camera's angle.

"Yeah it is, would you like to meet them," I asked him.

"Yeah I would if you're okay with that," he asked.

"Baby," I called to him as he walked to the kitchen with groceries in hand.

"Yeah," he responded walking over.

"I want you to meet my Dad," I said pulling him down to the couch and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello," Noel greeted my dad who returned it.

"Congratulations on your wedding and adoption. From what Austin has told me about you, you have made my son really happy," he said then began talking to Noel while I got up and went to see how the boys days went. After they told me what they had going on I brought them to the living room.

"Hey, kids, this is my Dad, your grandfather," I said bringing them in front of the camera.

"Hey," Amar said looking at the screen. Ian waved one hand in his mouth. Apparently, the bitter taste had worn off his fingers.

"Hey little men," my dad began talking to them giving Noel the chance to pulled me away.

"What got you to call him," he asked once we got in my room.

"He's my dad, and when we get old I want our sons there. I didn't forgive him but I gave him his relief. It just felt like the right thing to do," I said placing my hands on his waist and holding my husband.

"You're special, kind, and looked past your feelings to be the bigger man which is why I love you," Noel said putting his arms on my shoulders allowing me to kiss him...