resplendent *gawsten* ✓

Chapter Fourteen

1.24.18
edit: 8.23.20
tw; anxiety attack and self-deprecating thoughts. stay safe please ♡
930 words

awsten p.o.v.

to say that i was reluctant to go is an understatement. to say that i bitched and moaned that i didn't want to go is just a fucking sugar-coated lie.

i kicked and screamed like a goddamn brat when geoff told me that the appointment was in the second week of march.

i had to go back to school and wait for the impending day, which was the absolute worst. i could hardly focus on my schoolwork, and it was starting to show. mr. matthews even had to invite me into his office to 'talk' to me about how bad it was.

i think it goes without saying that i fell back into my old habit of not talking. otto and geoff were devastated, but i couldn't find it in me to do something about it.

the day of the appointment came, and i wasn't ready.

i refused to hold geoff's hand as we walked into the clinic. the clinic smells hit me in a wave of chlorine colours, tickling my nose. i scrunched up my nose and tried to breathe in through my mouth, but that was worse.

my friends and i got called back in no time. the nurse seemed nice enough, what with her fiery red hair. i was surprised that they let her work here with her crazy hair.

the doctor was some blonde guy with a nose piercing and a british accent. I didn't know his name, and i didn't bother to try and learn it.

he sat down in a chair across from where i was sitting on the patients' chair. geoff was sitting next to me. i crossed my arms stubbornly. geoff sighed and gave up on trying to hold my hand.

the doctor skipped the small talk. he got right to diagnosing whatever was wrong with me.

nothing is wrong with me. i refused to believe the words coming out of the man's mouth.

i got up and walked out of the room and out of the clinic. i tried to open the back car door, but it was locked. i let out a frustrated cry and kicked the back tire. geoff and otto ran out of the clinic. geoff was holding an envelope.

"what the hell was that?" otto snapped.

home, i signed.

"awsten, please don't-" geoff began, but otto interrupted him.

"awsten, you can't not talk anymore. you have to come back into a normal life sometime."

his words stung.

a normal life...?

as if.

i shook my head. i bit my lip and pulled on the door again. tears were threatening to pour, and i prayed to anything that i wasn't going to cry.

"let's just go get his prescription and then go home, okay?" geoff suggested.

otto rolled his eyes but unlocked the car. i hurried into the backseat as geoff and otto sat up front. nobody said a word as we pulled up to the pharmacy. otto talked to the pharmacists. a white, blue and red bag was on my lap on the drive home.

otto didn't have time to child lock the doors again before i flew out of the car without the medicine and up to my bedroom. i locked the three locks and sunk down against the opposite wall. red-black made me whimper as a feeling of impotence washed over me. geoff and otto were knocking on my door and trying to coax me out.

you kept me waiting, awst

no, i didn't. i didn't even want to fucking go.

the torment from my head had spread to the rest of my body. i bit down on my arm to keep myself from

no one wants to help you, awsten. even if they did, they would rather

shut u

ringing in my ears. rusty taste on my tongue. i cried out and tore my teeth from my arm. i realised that i bit hard enough to draw my own blood.

my vision started blurring. i resorted to clawing at m

i can keep you up all night, awsten.

and so

******

"aws, food." a familiar girl's voice called through my bedroom door.

i looked up from all the way across the room. it drained my energy to croak out a simple answer. i guess i screamed last night, though i didn't remember and no one tried to force their way into my room.

if i could even remember that. maybe just crying all night made my throat hoarse. my headache was no better, and it was making me standing up nearly impossible. i settled for just rested my head back on the wall.

i winced and pushed myself up to stand anyway, using the wall as support. i swayed, breathing heavily.

i grabbed grey jeans and a green newspaper-clippings jumper. i slipped out into the hall. luckily, the bathroom door was open. i made a beeline for the door, but also made eye contact with travis, jawn's boyfriend, who was coming up the stairs.

i froze, desperately pleading to myself to hurry to the bathroom. why was travis here anyway? it didn't matter. my chest throbbed red-black from my racing heart. the racing of my heart made me think it was trying to get out. i would have let it, but my survival instinct was going for otherwise. i was sure i looked terrible from my sleepless night.

the spell was broken when travis sputtered, "awsten, my god, you-" i shut the door in his face and locked it.

i don't want to do today, i thought to myself as i got ready for my shower.