Rush's Book of Insanity: Part Three

daze (for lack of better title ideas)

I miss MCSM

It still exists, the fandom is still the fandom, I still love it all and I gotta replay ep 4

But I miss it

I love anticipation. Waiting for something that you know is gonna be great, theorizing, praying that your favorite characters won't get killed off...I love that.

I need more

It feels like I'm still waiting, even though I know there's nothing up ahead, but I'm still waiting, waiting, hoping, but some part of me just wants to give up and forget it all. Move on. Get out of my head. But I'm still waiting.

MCSM has kinda been fueling my life for the last two years and it might not be over for good but it might, and this is the problem with getting so attached to stuff, because when it ends then where do you go from there because maybe there'll be more but maybe there just won't

Season one was so good

S2 was just as good, in some ways, but honestly you just can't beat the beginning

"Didn't take long for the 'New Order of the Stone' to fall apart, did it?"

I'm in such a daze

I have this protective shell around me of fantasy and lies and I'm safe in there, but it's smothering me and I can't get out and I don't want to get out

Because fantasy makes me feel safe

Even if I'm not safe

And my chest is tight like I'm about to cry but I don't I can't I don't know how

Because there's an edge somewhere, and I'm not sure if it's good or bad
Some edges you fall or jump off, and you land safely. Maybe it's even better down there.
But others you just fall and die and I don't know which one it is or even where it is and I don't know how to know

I'm not making sense, even to me

I'm in such a daze

I don't register what's happening around me

I'm in suspended animation, watching and waiting and hoping and not sure how to get out of if I can or if I even want to

I can't pin down my thoughts
They go everywhere and I can't keep track of them and I don't feel safe in my own head but there's nowhere else to go so I just keep waiting

And sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm upset and sometimes I'm just there

I feel like an NPC
Stuff happens around me and it doesn't matter because I'm not there but I am there but I'm not and I'm just in a haze confusion worry falsed anticipation and I'm not there

And it doesn't feel real

Fictional worlds are so much easier to see and feel

And maybe I can see the light if I fall asleep

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

I get upset so easily, go up and down like a roller coaster but it's not a roller coaster because it's not fun anymore so maybe more like the tide but it's not regular it just happens

i don't trust
don't trust myself
don't trust anyone anything else
don't trust the universe
i don't know why this happened

i don't know how i got here and i don't know how to fix it because i'm not broken but i'm not okay

just a little cracked i guess

just dazed

-Rush