can we start all over again. #demily #criminalminds

the box.

Right now i'm on the phone with JJ. I told her everything and read Savannahs letter to her. "Listen, Emily, i know it's alot to process and it's different for me because i'm not in your position, but let me tell you one thing: You love Derek since the first day you met him and allthough his wife just passed away and there will always be a part of him that loves her, what you two had even when none of you knew what the other felt, was very special. I think you guys should speak it out, you should let him know how you feel and how you felt for over ten years and then you should decide, together what's going to happen next. I think you should start slow and not have too high hopes in a romantik way for now but you know that too. But i think he needs you now more than ever and i know that you need him and want him back in your life, for good. And if you need someone to talk about all of this, you know i'm just one call away." it's silent for a few seconds before i say:"Thank you so much JJ, you're right, he needs me and i won't leave him alone, not again and especially not now. I talk to him tonight, i'll text you later. Thank you so much! I love you girl!" we hang up and i decide to go to Derek. I need to tell him that i've always been in love with him and that i want to be by his side just like Savannah wanted me to.

I walk downstairs when i find him on the couch, starring into the blank. "Derek, may we talk?" i ask him. He didn't see or hear me coming so he jumped a bit because i ripped him out of his thoughts. "Yeah, sure. Sit down. Want something to drink?" he asks, you can see the fear and nervosity in his eyes. "No i'm fine thanks." He nodds and turns to face me while we speak. I sit down next to him, the letter Savannah wrote me in my hand. "Derek, listen to me, i have to tell you something, i should have told you that years ago but i never knew how and i was always way too afraid. I wish i did it sooner, because it feels somewhat wrong to do it now." i pause for a bit, when he looks at me and says:"You're scaring me Em." "Don't be scared, it's nothing bad it's just something that i can't change i never could." i take a deep breathe and continue:"Alright, listen all these years ago, when we first met, i fell in love. With you. My feelings, my feelings for you never changed and i never imagined that something like this happens. But after all that happend with Doyle and everything i was too afraid to tell you and thats another reason why i left again, i couldn't handle to be around you all the time and not tell you. When i heard about Savannah, to be honest, my world shattered, i couldn't handle it in the beginning and i got into a really dark place. But then, one night while drinking i realized, that i can't blame you, you never knew how i felt, you went through enough with me already and you are the persone who deserves happines more than anyone else. I was still heartbroken but i was so glad for you to find happiness and after i met Savannah, i realised how amazing of a person she is and the first time i met Hank, i felt so happy for you, i still do. And i am so dearly sorry for what you have to go through now. I wish i could bring her back somehow." i take a few seconds, for me to order my thoughts and for Derek to realize what he just heard because the look on his face is so undefineable, i can't tell what he feels right now.
"I read her letter, over and over again the past few hours. I still don't quite know how to react to all of this. She wrote that she wants me to be the woman by your side for the rest of your life, since she can't be it anymore and that she wishes for me to be the motherfigure for Hank, she wanted me to be the person to be there in all his major lifesteps, for her. Derek, do you even want me to be that person? I mean, i wanna fullfill her last wish but i'm kinda scared too and i don't wanna do anything that you don't want as well." he takes a moment to think and then says:"Emily, why would i ever think you wanna replace her? I know who you are and i appreciate you, for you. Alright?" he looks at me and squeezed my hand, then he continues "but Emily, why didn't you ever tell me all of this? Why did you hide all your feelings? I am so sorry, i wish i knew! Did someone else know?" there's a moment of silence before i answer with "JJ knew from the beginning and Garcia knows too. Well and Alvez knows too but not for long and well, the girls kinda found it out on their own." He smiles a bit and says with a grin "Girls" i nodd and smile as well. We talk about all of this, about Savannah and her letter when he gets up and says:"I'll be right back." after two minutes he's back, the box in his hand. He puts it down in front of me and says:"The seven months i thought you are dead, i wrote you a letter, at least once a week, when i was in really dark places i wrote you more. I never thought that you'll ever be back so i put them in a box and after i found out that you're alive, i wanted to give them to you, so you can read how much i love you and then when you decided to leave, well i first wanted to destroy them but i couldn't and when i met Savannah i wanted to destroy them again, but she told me to hold on to them because they were this huge part of me back then and because the first few months after you left again, i wrote to you, again. She always told me that they are a part of my past and that i can't just get rid of them. So here, they are yours now, you can read them or not it's up to you." I take a long look at the box and then at him, after a while i say:"I'd really like to read them, but only if you really feel comfortable with me reading it!" he nodds and says:"You were supposed to read them anyways. And yes, i want you to read them, maybe then you can understand better what Savannah meant in her letter and why she wants you to be the one who's with me, now that she's gone."

I open up the box and see around 35 letters or so in there, as well as two framed pictures and an FBI ID. I take the first picture out, is one of Derek and i. It's from JJ and Will's wedding, that was the night i told him that i leave. The other picture, is one from myself, alone. It's a really old picture, from years ago. I can't believe that he had a picture of me, framed. I take out the FBI ID as well as the badge, it's my old ID, i guess he got a hold of it after my 'death'.
"Derek, that's a picture of me and my FBI ID from before i.. -" he interrupts me and says:"I always had this picture in my bedroom, and the other one in the livingroom and the badge and ID, well i guess i just let some connections play to get 'em." I hug him very thight.

                               the first letter

dear emily,
it's a day after we found you and rushed you to the hospital after doyle abducted you and you had to fight with him. he stabbed you. this fucking son of a bitch stabbed you. we found you. i found you. too late. it was too late. the doctors couldn't help you, they couldn't save you.
jj's words 'she never made it off the table' are haunting me. i can't get them out of my head. to be honest, i don't want to. it's partly my fault. i should have done more. i should've found you sooner. i should have been there for you, i should have been the person you could talk to, the person you told all about doyle, because then, we might have had the chance to save you.
it's like i'm having this horrible nightmare. it can't be real that you're not here anymore. it just can't be. how am i supposed to live without you emily? how the hell am i supposed to keep going after this? i lost you. you, the most important woman in my life. the person i trust most, my light in the dark.
i love you, forever.
derek.

tears are streaming down my face. On this night i cried myself to sleep.