can we start all over again. #demily #criminalminds

the funeral.

it's been eight days since Savannah passed away. Today's her funeral, allthough Derek told the rest of the team that they shouldn't use up their vacationdays they come anyways. He doesn't know tho. Derek is putting Hank his tiny suit on, he's still wearing his joggers and has to go dress himself later. I already put on a black dress, and did my make up. The team should be here any minute.
"Derek, wanna go get dressed? I can take care of Hank." Derek leaves and i finish up putting on Hank's suit.
After i finished i take him with me downstairs. A few minutes later i get a text from Reid, saying that their here. I go and open the frontdoor. It's so good to see the whole fam again and to know that they're here to support Derek. I hug everyone to welcome them and then Spencer picks up his godson. "Hey little man" "uncle spence" he queeks. "Spence, Derek is upstairs." I tell him. He told me that he wants to see him before the funeral, alone. I know it's been very hard for him so he just wants some alonetime with his big brother. "Thank you." he puts Hank back down and walks up to the bedroom.

-

"Come in Em." Spencer opens the door and walks in. Derek didn't turn around yet so he doesn't know that it's actually Spencer. "I'm so sorry." is all that Spencer says, Derek turns around, stops for a second and then the two embrace eachother in a thight hug. "You are here." Derek whinces. "Of course i'm here, do you really think i would leave you alone in this?" Spencer protests. "Thank you pretty boy! Thank you so much!" The two best friends sit down on the bed and talk for a while.

-

It's been a while since Spencer went up there to Derek, but if he wants to say hello to everyone before we have to head to church they need to come down now. I walk up to Dereks bedroom and knock on the door. "Boys, it's time to go, i'm sorry." I hear them walk to the door, Derek opens it, takes a long look at me and says:"Did you know that he's coming?" i smile a bit and say in a soft voice:"Of course, you really think he would have listend to you when you said that he doesn't need to come?" he looks at Spencer, then back at me:"Well yeah i should have known, but anyways, thank you so much for everything!"
We walk down the stairs when Derek sees the rest of the team as well as Hotch and Jack. Derek can't believe that they are all here. "oh god guys! You all are here? Oh god i can't believe it!" the first person he hugs, is of course Penelope who is already crying. After that he hugs JJ, then Hotch, little Jack who isn't really little anymore, then David, Alvez and Tara. "Guys, thank you all so much for coming, i appreciate it so much! I love you all!"

We're at the church now and the priest is reading something from the bible. After that, he asks Derek to say a few words. Derek gets up there, looks at her coffin, looks at Hank who's sitting on my lap and then looks at me. His eyes are all teared up like the rest of our eyes. He takes a deep breathe and then starts:"Savannah, i know you're watching over us right now, i know you will always watch over us, i wish we didn't have to be here today, i wish you never got this awful desease, but you did. I tried so hard, to get through this by myself. Allthough you always told me not to keep it all to myself. Even in the hardest times, when you were the sickest, your number one priority were Hank and I. Allthough it broke your heart to see us, to see me like this, sad, angry, heartbroken, you never let it show how hard it was for you. During all of this, i saw you cry once and that was when you wrote two letters. All the other time, you were the strongest woman, you never let it show. You always told me, that you want me to be happy again after you're gone, you told me to find another love of my life again. Your biggest fear was, that i shut myself out of everybody's life just so that i don't have to be their burden. But you showed me, how important family is and how important friends are and now today, i couldn't be more thankful for my beautiful friends, that are also my family! Guys, thank you all so much for coming today and i know Savannah is very thankful too. But there is one special person here with us today, who deserves the biggest thank you of all, despite all of the work she would have had to do, she took already a week of now, more than a week, actually and came here to take care of Hank and I. She did it out of pure love and friendship, but it was all, that Savannah wanted, Savannah wanted her to come here because she knew, that the only person in the world who could take away my pain and take care of Hank and of me, just as good as Savannah did herself, is Emily. Emily thank you so much for everything, i know that Savannah is so thankful for all that you do for her son and me." he looks at me, takes a deep breathe, looks at all the other people in the church and then says"Thank you all so much for coming, it means alot to me and it means alot to Savannah, thank you!" he then comes back down, picks up Hank and hugs him very very thightly.

After all the people left the church and told him their condulences the team decides to go to his house already and let him some alone time with Hank, to say a propper goodbye to Savannah. "Emily, can you stay?" Derek asks me after the team told him that they'll wait at his house. "Of course! Guys you can go already, i'll be back with Derek later." i say. They all hug Derek and then leave. Derek picks up Hank and then we walk back to Savannah's coffin. "Hank, give mommy a goodbye kiss." he says. Hank leans over the closed coffin and gives her a kiss "goodbye mommy, we love you very much!" he says. Derek is crying heavily again. He gives Hank to me and says his final goodbye to his beautiful and amazing wife. "Goodbye my love, thank you for bringing me so much joy and happiness and i promise you, we will raise Hank to know exactly what an amazingly stunning woman his mother was! You'll be very missed!" he kisses the coffin and then pulls Hank and me in for a thight hug. After a while, he let's go of us and gestures us to leave the church. We go to the car and drive to his house.

                          the second letter:

dear emily,
it's been four days. four days of hell. i still can't believe that i'm never gonna see you again. i can't believe that we weren't able to save you. the last words you spoke to me, the last words you ever spoke, haunt me every day, every night, always. I wish we were faster with figuring it all out. i wish we could've saved you. You must be so dissapointed in me, in all of us. we were supposed to save you, we were supposed to save your fucking life. i hate myself so much for this. i mean why? why you? why the most humble, beautiful, talented and perfect person on this planet? why? i just don't get it! it's not fair, it's just not fair. i mean, i should have been there for you, i should have been able to save you! i can't sleep, i can't eat and i definitley can't just move on, take the next case maybe even safe someone when i couldn't save the person i love the most. i am thinking about leaving the BAU. i truly am, you know that this is the career i always wanted and i am so greatful to have been able to work in this unit, with this team but without you my precious love, i just can't do this anymore. i don't even know how to continue life after losing you.
i love you emily prentiss and i miss you so terribly.