can we start all over again. #demily #criminalminds

girlstalk.

JJ and i are sitting next to eachother on the plane. We didn't start yet, the boys are still outside talking but JJ and i decided to go in already. "Emily, i'm sorry if Luke and i went too far last night in the car with questoning you about Morgan. We didn't want to push you." JJ suddenly says. "No, it's alright, i would've told you anyways before we got back to Quantico. I was just a bit out of it, i mean i still am. I know how hard losing Savannah was on him but i had the feeling that it's the right time to tell him for the past couple of days. The night before we left for this case, he amlost told me, he was in the bathroom, brushing Hank's teeths when i came in, out of a sudden he asked me to talk after we put Hank to bed. When the little man was all tugged in and asleep, we went into the kitchen, i made us some tea and then he started with 'Emily, i know it's already been ten months, i still to this day can't find the words to tell you how greatful i am for all you've done and i can't tell you how much and i really mean it, how much i am in-' and that's when the call came that we have to leave for Minnesota imediatley. I told him to continue but he said he'll wait till i'm back home. We were on the phone every night since we're here, and last night i just had to tell him." "I'm so happy for you Em, you waited so long for this to happen! And i'm so happy for Derek to have you in his life, he went through so much and he couldn't have pulled through it all without you. I love you guys so much!" We hug eachother just as the rest of the team came in.

After around an hour, i get a text feom Penelope.
P: 'TELL ME EVERYTHING!!'
E: 'what do you mean?'
P: 'Alvez told me everything! You finally told Derek?'
E: 'i swear i'm gonna kill him'
P: 'please don't, because then you'd have to kill JJ too, she told me as well. :P'
E: 'but please don't talk to Derek about it just yet, we haven't really talked about it yet, we just told each other and i don't want him to feel pressured.'
P: 'i talk to him, as soon as he tells me anything about it. you can trust me!'
E: 'Thank you, we'll talk after i talked with him okay?'
P: 'Alright, just know that i'm so happy for you two! love you guys! xx'

"You guys told Penelope?" i ask JJ and Alvez who's now sitting in the seat infront of us. "Well, we didn't actually tell her, she just read us when we were skyping with her." Alvez says. I smile at Alvez and say with a grin:"Yeah, because you can't  hide something from her." JJ and i both laugh and Alvez looks at us confused. "Hey what do you mean with that?" "I don't know what you're talking about." I say, laughing even more.

After a while, i pull out another letter Derek wrote me when he thought i was dead.

the fifth letter:

my dear emily,
i did something today, i hope you don't get angry at me. i wanted to do this for so long and today i couldn't resist it anymore. i left work earlier today, to first go to the shooting ranch after that i went to that italian restaurant we always went together, after that i got home. i have a picture of you on my nightstand. i tried to go to sleep but i couldn't. i just couldn't. i went to the store, but everywhere i went today, memories of you and i came to my mind, i heard your laugh and your voice. i couldn't keep myself together. i broke down crying at the store. i bought myself some razorblades and sleeppills, then i went home. i took the pills and cut my wrists open. once i fell asleep, i thought that i'll never wake up again and that you and i will be together soon. but i woke up. i am in the hospital, jj and reid found me. they were coming to distract me and that's when they found me. i wish they wouldn't have. i wanted to be dead, my life is senseless without you baby. i wish they let me die. after all life is not worth living without you. i love you. i love you more than anything and i miss you.

I put the letter down. Tears streaming down my face, i get up and walk towards the small kitchen area that we have on the plane. I splash some water in my face and try not to ugly cry. In that moment JJ aproaches me and asks "Hey, are you alright?" i look at her and say, while crying "He tried to take his life?" JJ immediatley pulled me into a thigth hug and nodded. "Why did no one tell me?" I sobb. "He told us not to tell you, he said he's gonna tell you by himself but he wasn't ready just yet and then when you decided to leave for London, he didn't wanna tell you anymore because he thought that might change your mind and that you would stay just because of that and he didn't want that." "How could he hide this from me? How? I mean, it's not that we didn't stay in contact after i left for London. I mean i get why he didn't tell me after Savannah passed away because i wouldn't have let him alone when we had cases then." "I know Emily, it's alot to process, but i guess he just didn't want to admit it to you because he may thought that you'd realize that he's in love with you, what might would've let you to not leave for London and he didn't wanted you to feel obligated to stay here just because of him." JJ and i look at eachother , she gives me another hug and then says:"Listen Emily, i think you should talk about it with him, he gave you the letters so i guess he's okay with you finding out now. Just ask him about it."

In that moment we heard Reid call out our names to tell us that we're landing soon and that we have to sit down. We do so and wait for the plane to land.