A/N: TRIGGER WARNINGS: SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!! No one requested this fanfic, it was just a way to get my feelings out. I hope you guys enjoy it.
Sitting on a bench in the freezing cold wasn't where Kurt Hummel pictured he'd be spending his Friday night. There were a lot of things Kurt hadn't expected in his life though. He hadn't expected his mom to die, he hadn't expected to be bullied, he hadn't expected to transfer to a private school. What he did expect was to be happy. Kurt shivers and wraps his arms around himself. He was definitely wrong about that.
A car drives past, splattering Kurt with cold slush. Kurt just sits, motionless. He's not sure why he's unhappy, he just is. But he has everything he could ever want. He has a group of friends, he goes to an amazing school, and he has the cutest, gay friend. So why does he feel so empty, so sad, so disconnected. Tear well up in Kurt's eyes and he doesn't bother brushing them away. The tears freeze before they reach his chin.
It's getting darker out and the temperature is dropping. Kurt's too caught up in his thoughts to notice the tip of his nose turning pale yellow. He wishes he knew why he felt so empty, then he could try to fix it. The feeling hit him like a tsunami unexpectedly and he didn't know how to get rid of it, fix the damage. That's why he was sitting on in cold on a bus stop bench near the edge of town.
It was an easy lie to tell. Kurt told his dad he was going to Rachel's. He told the rest of his McKinley friends he was going to spend time with Blaine. Blaine was miles away, completely oblivious. Kurt wished that someone knew, but then what would be the point of sitting in the cold. He wanted to scream for help, but he knew nothing could help him. Kurt's gloved hands started to go numb, or at least he finally realized they were. There were warning alarms going off in his head, telling him to go inside somewhere warm. Kurt closes his eyes and ignores the warnings.
He thinks about his mom and dad. Kurt knows his mom would be upset with what he was doing now. He used to be her happy, little boy. His dad would and will be upset with what he's doing. The thought of his father being upset and lonely makes Kurt's heart feel like it's being twisted. He then remembers that his dad has Carole and another son. He wouldn't be missed and his father would have the family he had before back: a wife and a son. A happy son, a real son, a son his father deserves to have. Kurt pulls his knees into his chest, putting his face against his knees. He was a disappointment, a failure.
Rachel and Mercedes wouldn't miss him. They were getting along fine without him at school. He felt at home with the misfit Glee club at McKinley, but he always seemed to end up in second place. Second choice for a duet partner, second best singer. However hard he tried, Kurt never felt like he would ever be good enough. And Blaine? The entire school loved him, there would be someone else to replace Kurt. Kurt let out a shuddering sigh. He had been doing so well before this week, what happened? Kurt inhales but ends up in a coughing fit. The air was dry, cold, and hurt his lungs. He started taking smaller breaths, trying not to breathe too much of the air in at once. Kurt realized why people wore scarves over their noses and mouths. He wished he had brought a scarf.
It feels like he's drowning in his own unhappiness. It feels like he's scrambling to try to pull himself out but he can't. He feels like he's desperately trying to latch onto something, something to help him out. Everything's too far out of reach though and he keeps slowly sinking under. Kurt also feels like his heart is being torn out of his chest. His heart is getting ripped up to shreds and he feels nothing. The gap where his heart feels hollow, empty, and pointless; much how Kurt feels about his life now. He can hear voices in his head. His voice of reason he supposes. They're telling him that suicide isn't the answer. Right now it feels like the only answer though. It's the only way he can escape himself.
Kurt decides to take a walk. His feet feel hot and numb. Walking hurts his feet but he goes on, regardless of his feet. As he walks, he continues to sink deeper into his overwhelming thoughts. Kurt is scared of himself. He hates that he's scared of himself. Scared that he's going to hurt himself.He has too much power, power he could abuse. Kurt walks by a tree and pulls an icicle off a bare tree branch. He takes off a glove and pokes his finger with the icicle. It breaks skin, leaving a spot of blood on Kurt's finger. The blood freezes before he has a chance to wipe it away.
Kurt slips his glove back on and sits in the snow. He feels lightheaded like he might pass out. He knows it's because he's not breathing in much air, and the air he breathes in stings his throat. It hurts to breathe so he barely does. Kurt sees a figure walking through the snow and he squints to try and see who it is. A man who looks a lot like Blaine is standing a few feet in front of Kurt. "Kurt, is that you? What are you doing?" he says.
Kurt's sure that he's hallucinating. It must be the lack of air. "Hey, Blaine. What are you doing?"
"Rachel asked what we were up to. You weren't with me so naturally, I was worried. There had to be a good reason why you would lie to one of your best friends. I went to go look for you." Blaine replies, obviously concerned. "Now what are you doing here?"
While Blaine was talking, Kurt had unzipped his jacket. "I'm going to kill myself," Kurt states, acting like it was as plain as day.
Blaine's triangle eyebrows crinkle together. "What? Kurt, why?"
Kurt wordlessly looks at Blaine through his iced lashes. In one swift motion, he plunges the icicle into his heart. Blood slowly stains the front of Kurt's shirt. It hurt more than Kurt expected it to, but it matches his emotional pain so he doesn't complain about it. His head starts to feel woozy, so he gently lays himself in the snow. Blaine's eyes widen and he dashed forward. "Kurt! What the hell, no. This can't be happening." Blaine runs his fingers through his hair before placing Kurt's head on his lap.
Kurt looks up at Blaine, a faint smile on his face. "Blaine, I'm in love with you. I love you. And even though I'm imagining you, I needed to say it."
Kurt shuts his eyes and lets out a shuddering breath. Everything goes black.
