we were right I n the middle of a make-out session when someone knocked on our celldoor before opening it. we pulled away just in time and giggled childishly.
me: what’s up?
guard: lunchtime. are you ready?
me: sort of. we’ll be out in a few, alright?
guard: alright. make it quick though.
me: will do
guard: hurry up. i’m aging here.
me: calm the fuck down i told you we’re coming.
guard: don’t kill me.
me: don’t push me.
guard: jheeze. i get why they call you time-bomb now.
i pulled jessica with me to the door.
me: we are ready.
guard: i just turned 54.
me: i told you, don’t push me.
guard: i’m so scared right now.
me: one more word and i will actually kill you. i’m not kidding.
that shut him up for the rest of our pleasant and mostly quiet walk to the hall.
green eyes: so, jessica, will you call me jessica from now on?
me: ha. not a chance, green eyes. i still think it’s too long though. but i will think of something. maybe a name that resembles your skin, or is that too cheesy?
green eyes: too cheesy.
me: what about this. i’ll think of something else which is green and call you that. like a forest. but then something romantical and sweet.
green eyes: i’d like that.
me: okay.
green eyes: are we having carton sandwiches again?
me: i’ve been here for three years and two days. and every day we’ve had the same carton sandwiches.
green eyes: shit. they’re disgusting.
me: they will be disgusting for three years and two days, as far as i know. maybe i will adore their carton taste tomorrow. i don’t expect to. but it could of course happen.
green eyes: it could, i suppose.
me: i hope i will never get used to this disgusting taste.
green eyes: disgusting is an understatement.
me: i agree.
green eyes: have you thought of a name yet?
me: i have been thinking, yes, and so far, there are three possibilities.
green eyes: okay.
me: we have jade, gem, and lily.
green eyes: lily? that’s random.
me: no it’s not. have you ever heard of something amazing called harry potter?
green eyes: wait, you love that?
me: no, no, psychopaths don’t love. i admire harry potter.
green eyes: i had not expected that.
me: i see. but lily, harry’s mum, has green eyes, and there’s this man called snape who is very in love with lily, the lily who’s married to james potter, but he still loves her. always.
green eyes: it thought you didn’t believe in always?
me: i believe in infinite books.
green eyes thought for a while.
me: i’ll keep calling you green eyes, okay? but gem for short. but i like calling you green eyes in my mind because i feel like the name really suits your… green eyes.
green eyes: what a surprise.
me: i’m full of surprises, gem.
green eyes: so i’ve noticed.
me: i feel so normal around you. like i haven’t been stuck here for three years. you lessen the pain.
green eyes: you lessen my pain, too.
me: i am glad to hear that. usually, i’m the one who increases pain.
green eyes: i know.
me: you are such a sweet person, you know that?
green eyes: no, i don’t. no one’s ever told me before.
me: that doesn’t mean you aren’t sweet. that only means you were surrounded by the wrong persons. you need people around you who make you feel good about yourself, people you feel comfortable around, people who need you just as much as you need them. if the need isn’t balanced, it will go wrong and people will get hurt.
green eyes: you can be so sensitive sometimes.
me: me? sensitive? i sacrificed 66 girls, gem.
green eyes: everyone has their bad moments.
me: 66, gem.
green eyes: okay, even i have to admit that’s pretty wicked.
me: that’s because i am. i am wicked.
green eyes: wicked is okay. sometimes.
me: my wicked is never okay.
green eyes: but you are okay. and you’re not always wicked.
me: yes, but even though a… a gun doesn’t look dangerous that doesn’t mean it’s less dangerous when you pull the trigger.
green eyes: if you would have an attack, would you still kill someone?
me: yes. that’s why i’m still here.
green eyes: even me?
i thought for a while. i know i would kill her, but i didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her. it felt weird to feel so protective over her.
me: no, not you.
green eyes: why not?
me: because you are special.
green eyes: why am i special?
me: because you’re mine.
green eyes: and that makes me special?
me: yes, it does. no one is crazy enough to share a room with a psychopath. let alone kiss one.
me: a good kind of crazy. a silly kind of crazy.
gem smiled and her worry and sadness were washed away.
me: you are fairly beautiful when you smile.
green eyes: you are fairly beautiful when you stare at me like that.
me: like what?
green eyes: with nothing but admiration in your eyes.
me: oh. like that.
she smiled again. when she smiled, it was as if i wasn’t crazy and as if she wasn’t crazy and as if we weren’t stuck here and as if everything was normal and as if i wouldn’t kill if i stared to long at her and as if… as if psychopaths could love.
green eyes: what are you thinking about?
me: about you. as usual.
green eyes: do you think about me a lot?
me: i think about you all the time.
green eyes: what do you think about?
me: i think about us in a world where we’re not crazy.
green eyes: would you like us being that?
me: yes. i would like that a lot.
