green eyes: and, how do you imagine our life? if we weren’t crazy.
me: oh, god, we would be the most perfect couple ever to exist. we would be wonderful together. we would kiss underneath the stars and cuddle underneath warm duvets. we would talk loads and loads and every word you’d say would make me love you even more, and i’d tell you, and you’d smile and tell em that you love me too, to the moon and back, and then… and then one day, when we’re sitting on our favourite bench by the sea, i kiss your temple, and i repeat how much i love you and then you smile and then i’ll slowly slide off the bench and get down on one knee and beg you to be in my future. and then you’ll say yes, and i’ll kiss you, full on your lips and another couple that just walks by looks at us and we smile at them they smile back and i shout that we’re engaged and you laugh and the people congratulate us, tell us how good we look together, and i say that we are. and then you tell me not to brag and i smile at you and say: “i’m not bragging. i’m just explaining who we are.” and then you laugh again and then you get up from the bench and ask me to take a long beach walk with you and i say yes because beach walks are kinda our thing. and then we take a long walk, and we talk about our wedding, our future, our family, we discus maybe adopting another dog or another cat or maybe even a kid. and then i catch your gaze and you smile again and i smile back because i realise it’s because of me. i make you happy. i make you smile. i make you think four-thousand-three-hundred-and-fourteen different thoughts at once. i make you the amazing woman you are and i just love you so damn much.
green eyes: that’s adorable. that’s by far the sweetest thing someone has ever said to me.
me: and that comes from a psychopath. you must have some pretty messed up people around you.
green eyes: i do have the right people around me now.
she gives me a cute smile, a real-jessica-smile, and i blush and stare at the ground.
green eyes: i wish it could be true.
me: what
green eyes: our love story.
me: it is true.
green eyes: may i just remind you of the fact that you are a psychopath and that i am schizophrenic.
me: it is true to me. i feel like it’s true. don’t you feel it?
green eyes: feel what?
me: lo-
green eyes: don’t say the word.
me: longing.
green eyes: i don’t understand.
me: i long for you. i long for being in your arms. i long for being next to you on the sofa. i long for star-gazing with you. i long for singing songs with you. i long for you, jessica cornish.
green eyes: you long for me?
me: i long for you a lot. you don’t realise how special you are, do you?
green eyes: i guess not.
me: you are special. you are very special. i care about you a lot. i don’t want to lose you.
green eyes: neither do i want to lose you. do you think you can stay with me forever?
me: i am not going to promise you forever. i am going to promise you a lifetime because that’s all we’re sure of. and we’re not even so sure of that.
green eyes: beautifully said.
me: i didn’t. it’s very depressing to know that we’re all dying. we’re growing old. we’re getting sick. we die. that’s life. that’s the circle of life and my god, isn’t it depressing?
green eyes: it is. you only live once, right? so you better make it a good one.
me: but i kind of already screwed up.
green eyes: no you didn’t.
me: 66, jessica. 66.
green eyes: okay that was a messed up thing to do but if you live good from now on, your next life may not be as bad as you think.
me: you’re right. maybe i’ll become a spider so i can at least scare the living daylights out of someone. i do have a few people on my list actually.
green eyes: sometimes you can be funny.
me: it’s not my intention to make you laugh.
green eyes: it’s not?
me: no. i’m not making you laugh. i’m making you love.
green eyes was quiet. she was looking down at her hands and she was playing with her thumb. she was probably in deep thoughts.
green eyes: i’m not the silly romantic you think i am, okay?
me: what do you mean?
green eyes: i don’t want the heavens or shooting stars. i don’t need gemstones or gold. i want a steady hand, a kind soul. i want to fall asleep, knowing that my heart is safe and that you’re there when i wake up, sleeping peacefully. i want to love, and to be loved. that’s all i’m asking for.
me: i think i understand what you’re saying.
green eyes: good. because i have no idea what i’m trying to tell you.
me: you’re looking for a long-term thing. someone who doesn’t want to give up. someone who will fight for you.
green eyes: someone i can build. someone i can shape. someone i can help to grow so we can grow together. that’s the kind of relationship i’m looking for.
me: i think you have found just that.
green eyes: what about you?
me: me?
green eyes: yes you, who else silly?
me: i’m not so very demanding. just for once, i just want someone to be afraid of losing me.
green eyes: i think you have found just that.
me: to be honest, i think so too.
