I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

20

---Patrick---

One.

The first punch is in my chest, right under the place where my neck meets my shoulder.

The second makes me yell out as Dad hits me over the head. I try to block out his fist but I can't, and I end up sobbing, breaking much earlier than I usually do. I can't hold back my emotions as he hurts me, I'm crying and begging, tears streaming from my eyes at each hit. I fucking hate it.

I hate being this pathetic and weak. I hate how he gets to me but we both know his words are true and we both know I deserve this. I don't care what Gerard said about how I don't deserve this, he's wrong. He has to be. He just doesn't know it yet... He doesn't know how much of a disappointment I am. He has yet to see... all of me... He doesn't know how misshapen I am. He doesn't know anything yet... But I still told him so much... Another hit takes me from my thought, back to reality and yet another causes my back to hit the wall.

I beg out a word, hoping, praying he'll obey, "S-stop..."

"Stop? For a stupid mistake like you? You are such a fucking disappointment!" He barks at me, hitting me over and over again, then spits out a sentence that breaks me inside, "I can't believe she left me with a stupid cunt like you."

The tears are streaming down my eyes, and I wish it would just end. I wish he would just leave me alone but I shouldn't. I really am a disappointment, I really am a stupid cunt, I really should have died in The Incident. It would have made everyone's life much easier.

He shoves me against the wall again but this time with my back facing him and I immediately know what's going to happen. My eyes widen in fear, but I don't dare try to move. He could end up hitting me in the eye or something, and I don't want to go to school blind.

Before I can process where we really are in this, my back is on fire, and his leather belt is tearing up my hoodie. I let out a scream in pain, not expecting the fresh pain as he continues to whip my back, each lash replacing old scars and only making it ten times worse.

I keep sobbing, but I stay stone still because I know he'll only hurt me more if I don't. So, I clench my fists, press my forehead to the wall and grit my teeth just waiting for it to end, hoping he'll get bored and I find myself praying again. I find myself begging God to just make it stop. Make it all just end, but God never answers me. Not even in my darkest moments.

My mind flashes back to the living room, the belt coming down on my back yet again. I'm counting each time he hits me. The belt goes down once. Once turns to five times, five times turns to ten, ten turns to twenty. Each strike sends my back tensing and my teeth gritting harder and harder. Each time he pulls the belt back I take a deep breath and try to calm myself, but it's like a jump-scare. I never know when it'll come. I only know that it'll hurt a lot. I can't relax too much because I always have to be ready. Always...

I can't take it when he reaches twenty-five. I'm going to black out from the intense fire licking my skin, unconscious to the ground. I'm getting dizzy, and it takes me a minute to realize Dad's done. I can hear him getting his belt back on soon after walking past the pieces of broken glass, a few crunching underfoot as he walks to the door. He isn't too drunk tonight, but I know he's going out... And I know that just leaves Kevin, Megan, and I... Oh no...

"I'm going to be at the bar, if I hear a single complaint from Kevin, you're dead, you hear, Boy?" He threatens. I nod, turning so my back is against the wall, just enough space to leave an inch between the scars and the cool surface, to release the pain and instead focus on the blood streaming down my back.

He grunts slightly before the door slams shut, shaking the pictures on the walls. As they settle, I work out a plan so I might be able to skip Kevin tonight and just get Megan to work on my wounds. I think Kevin's sleeping in his room so, careful not to wake him, I head to my sister's on light feet, the floor creaking slightly. Not too much, but enough to make me tread lighter.