I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

28

---Patrick---

"Have fun and we'll see you later!" I call to Joe as he drives away. Gerard waves to him as well but as soon as he's out of sight, he turns and smiles down at me, taking my hands.

"So uh..." he blushes slightly in the haze of this thing we call, 'awkward.'

"I'll see you at school tomorrow? Er... Monday?" I ask, cringing slightly at my mistake.

"Sure love," He chuckles, but neither of us move. We don't want to. It's like we're glued to each other and the silence is killing me and I just want him to do something. He continues to stare at me for a moment, then finally presses me against the wall of my house, running his fingers up and down my sides, "is this okay?"

"Gerard," I whisper with a tired smile, finally just pulling our lips together and feeling that coffee taste enter my mouth as he explores me. I find myself moaning into the kiss, one hand around his neck, the other cradling his jaw until I can't breathe and I pull away, smiling a little, breathless.

Gerard squeezes my hips, enough for me to wince a little. I still have bruises from the Friday before last and it's a not so gentle reminder of what happened. I brush it off quickly, though, careful not to let him know what's going on in my mind.

He drags two fingers under my chin, forcing me to look into his soft brown eyes. The troubled whiskey eyes I feel in love with the moment they met mine, "I love you,"

"I love you, too," I smile sadly.

He gives me a kiss on the cheek, bringing a giant grin to my lips, "Talk to you later,"

"See you,"

I head up the steps of my porch while he walks away, down the block and towards his house. A little bit of a bounce in his step.

I'm left to look to the door, still as stone.

I can't do this. What am I thinking? Why don't I just call the cops and get this over with? It would be so much easier, and I really shouldn't do this alone. What will Dad say? Will he be mad I stayed until late or will he be happy? What if he's at the bar and Kevin is the only one there? What if he rapes me again? I look behind myself, but Dad's car is still there. What if Dad rapes me?

You deserve it.

I do. I shouldn't try to run from it because I deserve every last ounce of pain he inflicts on me. I deserve every lash, every hit, every cut and bruise, every scar, every thrust... whatever they did, I deserved it, and I deserve what's going to happen tonight.

My hand rests on the door, do I really want to do this? When I look, Gerard's gone, and I'm overcome with a sense of loneliness. There's no other way out now, anyways. Even if I did get out of this, it would mean I'd never see Gerard again... I don't want that to happen.

I open the door, my decision final.

The house is completely silent.

The only things that remind me this really is my house are the beer and blood stains on the carpet, the broken glass scattered across the floor, and the sight of the hall leading to my room. It's so alien apart from that. The house is almost never quiet.

The door slams shut behind me on accident, it sounds like a sonic boom compared to the silence in the house, and it makes me jump.

And my heart sinks when I hear footsteps coming up from the basement.

Dad appears at the door once he reaches the top of the stairs, a look of pure hate glued to his face and a half-empty bottle of beer in hand.

"Why were you out so goddamn late?" He growls.