I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

61

---Patrick---

Everything is down to a percentage.

Forty, thirty, twenty-five.

"Can I see Gerard Way, please?" I ask the office attendant at the front desk. The sign on the wall behind her reads Linda Vista Community Hospital. It kills me a little inside.

"Go ahead, Darling," She says, leaning over the counter, "Room five-eleven."

I know the goddamn room number, lady. Shut up.

I keep my hands in my pockets and my head down as I walk down the hall. This is the second time this month that I've seen him. I feel so... empty...

It's already January, and it feels scary. I feel alone. I feel like a piece of me is missing without him. I don't even realize I'm crying until a tear drips down on his hoodie. It doesn't smell like him anymore. It smells like me. It smells... normal... I... shouldn't get used to the scent. It's pathetic... I'm pathetic....

But I guess I'm kind of beautiful... Kind of...

453, 455, 457, 459, 461, 463... Left, right, left, right, one, two, one, two, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...

"Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating

"Does the pain weight out the pride
And you look for a place to hide
Did someone break you hard inside
You're in ruins...

"One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I,"

I'm not eager to get there. I don't want to be here but... I can't stop myself from seeing his beautiful face... I can't stop myself from hoping he'll be okay. I can't stop my feet from dragging as they continue down this never ending hall. Each step, a new lash with a belt of misery and I hate how much it stings.

485, 487, 489, 491, 493, 495, 497, 499...

The hall is empty unlike how it was when I came here the first time, Mikey and Pete were sitting together, Mikey had tears in his eyes while Pete was trying to comfort him. Joe and Andy were both just staring at the floor, Ryan was trying to console a sobbing Frank, and Dallon and Ray were both crying their eyes out. I never once said hi to either of them. The last I saw of them was when I was screaming and struggling against Pete. Begging him to let me go.

I don't even know how any of them are holding up. I never leave my room. I haven't talked to Frank or Joe or Brendon or Ryan since Christmas. I haven't eaten for... I can't... I can't remember when the last time I ate was... probably a couple days ago...

505, 507, 509...

I wipe my tears and in front of the door that leads to Gerard's room. It's slightly ajar but I know nobody is inside, it's too quiet for someone to be inside... the only sound is the steady rhythm of the heart rate monitor.

I open the door, my hand shaking as I shut my eyes and press forward. I can't look. I can't see what he looks like. His peaceful sleep... It just... hurts and my heart is cracked so much as it is. The door shuts with a soft click behind me. It feels cold pressed against my back. Against Gerard's gray hoodie.

"Hey, Gee..." I whisper. I can't stop myself from finally opening my watering eyes. He looks so... peaceful... just like I thought he would: sleeping and connected up to a few IVs with little nubbins of life support in his nose. They make me sick, but I don't mind... I'll stay here for him no matter how much I might want to puke.