I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

35

---Gerard---

Blue and black.

That's the color of his sweatshirt as Patrick's breathing stays steady against my wrists, his soft exhales warm my skin but I can't sleep no matter how easy it would be for him to ease me into a gentle slumber. I want to sleep but I can't. There are too many things running through my mind right now. Things should be better now, shouldn't they? Why do I feel so uneasy? I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like things will never be the same.

The same... There is no same anymore. What? Same as in when Dad lived? Same as when Mikey was here but Dad was gone? Same as when Mikey and Dad were gone but Patrick wasn't here? It'll never be the same. There is no same. It's all different but... The more I think about it, I think I know what my same is...

Maybe there doesn't need to be a same. Maybe I'm okay with things being different. Maybe my same is everything that's new. Maybe my same is just what I want the future to look like. Mom stops smoking, Mikey comes home, I get over this depression and grief, I stop cutting once and for all, Patrick eats normally, he stops cutting, he stops being so insecure about himself, he stops being afraid of being hurt. He understands how he looks in my eyes. A beautiful, talented, smart, wonderful boy that there's so much to learn about. Sure, he has a troubled past but he'll heal. I believe he can. I will help him heal if it takes my life to do it. I want him to be happy. I would give him the sun and the moon and the stars if I could just to see that delicate smile on his face again. I would die for him, I would live for him. I will do anything I can to make him realize he's beautiful. I'll draw a thousand drawings and call him beautiful every day.

Cheesy much? I guess that's what love does to you. I guess this is what being in love feels like. It's... different. I've fucked around a few times before with a few guys I'd met in the past. One time I even let Dallon fuck me. That was a one time thing though.

We never talked about it again, the only time we did was when we were joking around or drunk. I lost my virginity to him in my freshman year of high school. We were both drunk off our asses. He kissed me, I kissed back, one thing lead to another and the next morning I woke up with a sore ass in his bed while he was draped over me. I still remember the sudden realization, the regret, the way my stomach flipped. I remember the horrible hangover, the taste of vomit in my mouth and the fight. I left sobbing and he was devastated.

As I look back on it, I realize just how stupid I was to do it. I can't believe I ever let him do that to me... There was so much regret so many, "If only I had..." and, "What is wrong with me?". I hated it. I wanted my first time to be... romantic. I wanted it to be slow and I wanted both of us to be sober.

Guess that never happened, huh?

As my eyes look down at the sleeping boy I can't help but wonder if he's ever had sex. What was his first kiss like? Was it with a girl? A boy? His brother...? Is he a virgin or not? Maybe he's experienced but damaged. He's had lots of sex but once Kevin came along, it fucked him all up. But then I remember what he said the first time I gave him a blowjob, he said he'd never done it before and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to do it so I'm guessing he's still a virgin...

Unless Kevin took that from him, too.

I can't lie. I hate Kevin.

I hate him with my heart and soul right now. Patrick's so innocent and beautiful and fragile. He has enough problems with his self-esteem, why did he have to come along and make it worse? How could Kevin be such a monster as to completely fuck him up? Now, he can barely go out in public without having a panic attack, he constantly doubts himself, he wants to kill himself, he hates himself, he can't take his shirt off without being scared of being judged, and he has trust issues. I couldn't hug him without him flinching on Thursday but I guess I shouldn't completely blame that on Kevin. There's his Dad, too, and The Incident that contributed to those issues.