I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

31

---Patrick---

Nothing. I had nothing. The memories, the love, the friendship. It was all coming to an end. Only a few simple words were left and I knew even those won't last long.

"I guess this is it." She whispers with a shaky voice and wet eyes; her blonde hair pulled back in a messy bun and Kellin's light gray sweater draping over her shoulders. I guess she has her own family now, too.

"Y-yeah..." I reply, my own voice just about as shaky as hers. It really is the end, the last time we'll see each other. Through it all: the pain, the healing, the bills, the moving. Through this mess of everything, everything we've survived together. Ten years happy, three years terrified, and one week numb, the hardest part of this is leaving her. Leaving the people, I love Gerard, Megan, Pete, Joe, Brendon, Ryan, and Frank. I'll never see any of them again.

Megan runs forward and hugs me tight, soft sobs leaving her throat and tears streaming down her cheeks, "I don't want to leave, please, I want to stay with you..."

I feel my own tears leaving my eyes as we rock back and forth just outside the hospital. Megan's sobs become louder, and I know she's given up on being strong. She's given up on toughing it out, and she never gives up. It breaks my already shattered heart because she's finally broken. Finally, as empty as I. Nobody deserves to be this empty. To feel this depressed.

"It's going to be alright... Shh..." I whisper as I rest my chin on her head and stroke her back, "He'll take good care of you. You'll have a better life now. Dad's gone and-and Kevin won't bother us again. You've got Kellin now. He's going to be a great dad, you understand?"

I pulled away slightly and leaned down slightly to wipe her tears, "Do you understand? Y-you gotta be strong for me."

She nodded slightly, lowering her eyes, and taking a deep breath.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you, too..." She replies. I press my lips to her forehead before pulling away and looking into her newly risen eyes, "Goodbye, Megan..."

"Bye, Patrick... m-maybe we'll see each other again..."

"Someday..."

Another week gone. That's two weeks without Gerard, six hours without Megan. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours. Twenty thousand, one hundred and sixty minutes. Four-hundred three thousand two-hundred seconds.

Six days I spent in a dreamless state of unconsciousness. The last eight days I've spent healing in the hospital on a bed with nothing to do but cry about Friday the Seventh of October.

What happened? He loves me. He has to love me. He can't just say, "I don't know," and leave. I hate it. But mostly I hate myself for thinking he ever loved me. I was so stupid. Nobody loves me. Nobody has ever loved me, nobody ever will love me. How could they? He was using me, and as soon as I'd called him, he realized just what he was getting into. I don't understand why he was even using me in the first place. I'm ugly. Why didn't he try something with Frank or Joe or Pete?

I still have his phone number, but I've been too hesitant to text him. I'm scared of what he'd say. I'm afraid of what would happen. What if he only starts insulting me? What if he doesn't reply and I just make a fool of myself?

I don't know. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm hungry, I'm exhausted, and I need to heal because that's what's important, isn't it? Therapy and drugs. I have to get better now. I have to start healing. I have to stop being so reliant on Gerard and actually do something about... this...