The White Rabbit

Chapter 17

    "Home sweet home," Caleb says as we walk into the house. I smile at that thought. This is my new home now. I can't believe it but I'm finally free from my dad. No more abuse. No more disgusting touches. Yeah I'm definitely gonna like it here.
    Caleb ruffles my hair and I scowl. "Do not touch the hair," I say and he laughs. "Oh I almost forgot. I have something for you," he says and rushes upstairs. When he comes back down he's holding something behind his back and I curiously try to peek behind him. He chuckles and says, "You left this here, so I knew that you missed it." He puts his hands in front of him and in his hands are Harry. I run forward and grab Harry, holding him close to my chest.
    I was so wrapped up in the thought of having to live with my dad, I completely forgot about Harry. I missed him so much. Caleb chuckles and ruffles my hair again, making me glare at him.
   For the rest of the day, me and Caleb hang out watching tv and making fun of each other. By nightfall, we're both exhausted and head into our rooms. I change my clothes and climb into bed. I cuddle Harry close to be before falling asleep.

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    Red, white, and blue lights blind me when I open my eyes. My stomach hurts and my legs won't move. I feel wetness on my head and when I look at my fingers, I see blood on them.
    People are yelling all around me and it gives me a headache. I look next to me and notice Caleb sitting in front of an ambulance. A woman with a blue jacket on wraps bandages around his arms and legs. There's a bad cut on his head and his had a gash on his arm. A woman notices that I'm awake and rushes toward me. "Oh honey, are you okay?"
    My throat hurts and it's hard to talk. "Where's my mommy and daddy," I gasp out. I sit up and the woman tries to push me back down. "Honey, don't sit up. You're hurt pretty bad." I ignore her and continue to sit up anyway. I look around for my parents and notice them a few feet away from me. I quickly get up despite the woman's attempt to sit me back down, and walk towards my parents.
    My dad sits next to my mom, holding her hands. He has a cut on his head and arms, and is crying softly. He holds my mom's hand, who is laying on the ground. My mom got the worst of it. Her head and arms are bleeding, she had a deep cut on her forehead, and there is a piece of glass sticking out of her stomach, making me wince.
    My parents notice me standing there and I sit next to my mom. Her face is getting paler and she's taking longer breaths. Caleb walks over towards us and sits down next to me.
    "James, take care of my babies," she says. He nods silently, tears still running down his face. My own tears start to fall as I talk to my mom. "Mommy please don't die," I says crying. She smiles at me and Caleb. Tears start to fall out of her eyes. "I wish I couldn't baby, but I don't really have a choice."
    I watch as my mom takes one last breath before her eyes close. My dad starts screaming, begging her to take up but she doesn't. Caleb hugs me as he cries himself. I look at my mom's body in shock, unable to process anything.
    My mom's dead. And it's all my fault.

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    I wake up screaming. Out of the side of my eye, I notice Caleb rush into room. He pulls me into his side as I scream. "Jace, it's okay. It's okay. Snap out of it," he soothes me. My breathing is fast and erratic. I'm having a panic attack. I can't breathe. My heart is pounding against my chest. My throat feels like it's closing and I take quick gasps.
    Caleb shifts me so that he's cradling me and my head is against his chest. "Listen to my heartbeat Jace," he says calmly. This time, his heartbeat is calm and pounds like a steady drum. I try to match my breaths to it. It's hard at first and my breathing is still fast, but eventually I calm down enough to breathe normally.
    "Do you want to talk about it," he asks after awhile. I quickly shake my head. If I talk about then I'll just break down in tears and I'm so sick of crying. "It's okay," Caleb says. "Whatever it was, it's okay."
    I close my eyes. His voice is soothing and doesn't hold any annoyance or anger. I feel bad that I woke him up but he doesn't seem to mind. He's about to stand up and leave but before he can, I grab onto his shirt. He looks at me curiously.
"Um, I d-don't wanna be alone," I say embarrassed. He smiles softly before laying down next to me. I'm glad that he doesn't tease me about being afraid to be alone. "Goodnight Caleb," I say.
"Goodnight Jace." For the first time in a long time, I don't have any nightmares.

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    I stand over the sink breathing heavily. I hold the razor up to my arm as it hovers over the sink but, I don't let it touch my skin. I want to do it so bad. I want to let the razor glide across my skin. I want to just end it right now. But I can't. My mind wanders to Caleb and the promise that I made to him. I can't do it. I just don't understands why I want to do it.
    Things have been going great for me. I love living with Caleb. Kyle comes over and plays games with us. He makes fun of me but I know that it's playful. I go to school and Evan hasn't been bothering me as of late. I hang out with Ali almost everyday after school. But, I can't seem to stay happy. The happiness that I feel when I'm with them is temporary. It doesn't last. When I'm alone in my room, I finally break apart and that's when I want to die the most.
    Why can't I be happy? Why? Why can't I just be normal?! I just want to live my life and be happy and yet, my heart always feels so heavy.
    In my fit of rage and confusion, I stared sliding the razor across my arms. I didn't even feel it as it cut into my skin. What was only supposed to be a few cuts turn into 10. My blood stains the sink. I thrown the razor and force myself to stop. If I keep going now, then I won't be able to stop. And if I don't stop, then I'll be dead. I kneel on the floor as I put my hand over my mouth in attempt to silence my sobs. I just want to be happy.
    I stay on the bathroom floor, sobbing into my hands as blood drips down my arms.