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'Who do you love? Who do you love?
Who do you love? Who do you love?
Just see your outline...'
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Max Hamilton. What comes to mind when you hear his name? Goofy? Carefree? Immature? Happy...
I feel dumb and alone. Why did I treat him that way? Why did I believe her words? Why did I run away from the only man to love me like no other ever has? Maxim is not talking to me. My own son is not talking to me because of my behavior towards his father.
All of this time I have been so angry at Maxim. All of this time wasted on being bitter and hurt. I could have been loving him instead. If I would have stayed and worked things out him then we would be married now. We would be living the life we had planned together years ago. Instead I let a bitch play on my insecurities and doubt.
"I don't deserve him", I whispered to myself. I am sitting in a bath alone with my thoughts. Maxim had left a four days six hours fifty-three minutes and five seconds ago taking Maxwell with him. I tried to get him to stay, but he told me that he needed his space. It has been nearly a week since I have spoke to either one of them. I remember calling to speak to my Beast and he gave the phone to our instead the moment he heard my voice.
Then to drive the arrow deeper into my heart, my baby told me that he did not want to talk to me until I made things right with his dad. He told me that I was being mean and hurt my Beast. Said that I should be ashamed of myself for intentionally being hurting his dad. Told me that I was inconsiderate, and the worst part of it was that he had finally pronounced 'inconsiderate' correctly, all to scold me for mistreating Maxim. So when I call neither of them answers my call. They let it ring or send me straight to voicemail.
I guess that I should be grateful for their texts telling me that they love me along with them being okay and checking on me and the baby. At least they are not completely ignoring me. I have been taking the time to do some soul searching. My Beast's words resounded with me. I was very naive and gullible. I was stupid to an extent too.
I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like I let my family down. I feel myself drowning in guilt. "He deserves better than I am giving him. Better than I have given him", I thought aloud cradling my bump that housed my baby girl. I caressed my bump, tears spilling from my eyes. "I will be better. I will do better. I will do better for Maxim, you and your brother. Most importantly, I will do better for myself. I cannot let doubt and insecurities rule my life. I cannot let others get in my head and break apart my family. So I promise, baby, I will be better", I whispered, my voice cracking at the end.
I felt a soft thump against my stomach startling me. I laughed placing my hand over the spot I felt the thump feeling it again. "My baby", I cooed my tears spilling faster. 'I wish that your daddy and brother were here to feel your little kicks too', I thought caressing my bump. I sniffled wiping at my tears with my towelette. I miss them so much.
I could drive over to Maxim's place, but all I would find is an empty apartment. They are in Brighton, London at the moment. At least I think they still are. Beast's last post on Instagram said they were there, but that was yesterday. He had posted a picture of our Maxwell with a cute inspirational caption.
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