Follow Me

Idea

  Pacing back and forth about the room that was already isolated. The body I inhabit crackled in disagreement, not following my instructions. Glaring at that screen. It was always there, really. I can't remember a time when it wasn't present, haunting me eternally from the background where it stood. I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or if I was getting another flashback, but there it was, staring me down. The truth of this reality, be it fiction created by my own mind or what I perceive as being more than a hoax. I grinned uncontrollably at which point I thought, truly, this was nothing more than a dream. Of course, I could never control what I did in dreams. If I could, I had limited control over what happened. I knew everything, or almost everything, that had happened in the past. This was not one of those things. Ergo, I could not be experiencing this in all realness. Perhaps I was not dreaming and this was to be a real, new collision; all I ever could've wanted, my life's ultimate point and meaning. After this I could die happily. Just after this. Just after I set the record straight.

There they were, they'd come back, and I was...my heart, it was pounding in my chest. I wanted to believe this was real. I really did, even if almost every time it wasn't. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was getting a chance to do this again, even if it wasn't real, and they'd never truly know. But for all I know, I'm not here. This isn't really happening. But a manifestation of the hope I wanted to achieve. Except it was not. Except, it was something that may never be, like all 6,000 or so of those albums. It'd cost almost $200,000 considering how much they cost generally. I only had $875. But, then I realized; I was no longer thinking about the important topic. They had escaped my mind. I believed it to be an attempt to rationalize all that was happening normally. My mind would not, could not explain what was happening. It seemed almost impossible, and honestly, I thought it was outside of that, too. I staggered, at a loss for words, now. This betrayed all of the information I had built up for the past two years. I thought I would never be able to redeem myself for what I had done. But, still, I had to keep in mind; this might be, for all I know, just a hallucination. But a dream in place of what would never happen. I would pinch myself if I could, but I was in so much shock that my body couldn't move. Frozen in solid motion, under the spotlight that was the single light source of this darkened room that I inhabited and continue to do so, me, the troglodyte I am. My very own solitary confinement, built to my liking, and yet, although its criminal wishes to escape as it is a social creature, yet, when it is spoken to, it cowers away in the darkness, wishing to escape the plights it is faced with on the hands of another who is innocent. Ironic, is it not?

My immediate thoughts afterwards were of, not that I was glad for this. In fact, I was heavily so under the impression that I shan't deserve this. I was giving them the choice of bringing all of this back together or not. I didn't expect that they'd actually take it, but at the same time, although I was the one who offered the choice and wanted to see them again, I felt this way. I didn't want them to show up. I wanted myself to suffer as I had been for that long and now I was inviting them back into this pigpen I have forged with my bare hands. God, what was I doing, just letting this happen, not letting it slip through the open cracks between my fingers like I should've been doing? This wasn't about me, they were better off with me not present. At least, so I thought. So I thought, as was my understanding of the "truth" and what was better off being a lie. I still don't know, to this day.