I'm drunk. I try to drink these feelings away, feelings of how I'll never be yours, feelings of hope and anticipation, feelings for you- are washed away by the numbing effect of alcohol. Yet it never really goes away. These feelings are gone temporarily but they will never be resolved if neither of us do anything. As I take one of many shots, I remind myself that this pain is temporary- that it will go away soon. The feeling of pain is replaced by a temporary euphoria; it's the alcohol working its way up into my brain- happy feelings, happy thoughts. But how come, after my tenth shot, I'm still reminded of how much pain I felt when I saw you with someone else?
Pain never really goes away. You just get used to it until it becomes a part of your routine, part of your life, part of you. I try not to think about the times when I could've had the chance to speak to you. But that's pathetic. I shouldn't have to think about you because that's what makes it worse. I act like it's not a big deal, the pain that festers and burns underneath my flesh. Instead of crying and falling to the ground, I smile and laugh, pretending that despite my body unraveling and fighting its very own existence, I was always meant to live.
But the saddest thing in life isn't the love you'd never have; it is the love you could never explain. And these feelings I felt for you were unfathomable, I couldn't have you. Here I am drinking my heart out, crying over the fact that you'll never like me back and there you are, happy with another person, barely even taking into account my current situation. At the end of the day, you'll still be happy, and I'm still a complete mess. It sucks, having to fight battles I know I'll never win.
I'm falling in love and falling apart simultaneously. I don't want to fall in love with you. I don't even have the slightest intention of falling in love with you, not today, not tomorrow. Never; but it happened anyway. It wasn't a choice I made with my eyes wide open. If only possible, I would've stopped myself , but I can't. I could've saved my heart from being torn to pieces, but I can't.
Calm down, heart. Please.
YOU ARE READING
Open Letters to the One
PoetryA collection of letters that were written but never shared. The words come from a place of pure emotion.
