Open Letters to the One

Letter #4

I'm awake. I couldn't sleep, what with all these thoughts in my head. Suddenly my mind just decided to think about all the "what-ifs" and the" what-could-have-beens". And it's hard to not think about it because there are no distractions- my phone's dead, it's dark and the only sound I can hear are the crickets outside and the beating of my heart inside my chest. I turn to one side, close my eyes, and try to sleep. It doesn't work. Flip to another side, close my eyes, try to sleep, still doesn't work. I lay back, facing the ceiling, breathing in and out.

I close my eyes and drown in my thoughts. I loved you, and it was crazy that I was in an empty tennis court at 2 AM thinking about confessing, but being too scared to; leaving us in a deafening silence that made the stars scream. The though fades, moving into another one. I wish I knew what was in that twisted head of yours. The things you do to hurt yourself, everyone and everything. Who knew the kindness in your eyes was merely a facade. At that moment, I was already asleep- but I knew I was asleep when I woke up to tears on my cheeks and on the pillow. I turn facing the wall, still sobbing and let the thoughts consume me again.

They say that when you dream of someone, it means that you miss them or you want to be with them. So does that mean when I dream of you, I want to be with you? If only dreams were reality, then I'd have you. 

I woke up at around 11 AM the same day. Light shined through the windows into my room casting a calm, hazy glow around my room. I stood up and tried to wash off the night's effects away. Puffy eyes, reddened cheeks. Splashed some water, looked at the mirror and tried to smile. I turned on some music as I cooked, playing every song you love and had shared with me when we were together. Strolling through the park at 1 AM, the night drives, the ice cream we shared on a hot day, that song. When that particular song played, I am reminded of how stupid I was to have fallen for you, how stupid I was to not understand that you're incapable of loving me back. And I shut the music off immediately, and continue cooking in silence. I settled on the couch to eat, opened up YouTube and ate, the sun shining through the blinds cast a warm shadow all throughout.

For once, I'd never been happier being alone; not needing anybody's opinion or not constantly seeking approval from others. Just pure "me time". I pressed play on the next video, and everything was okay.

For once, I am happy.