(Sorry for the hiatus. Just needed time to think things through.)
Freshman year in biology, I learned that viruses can lie dormant in your body. They can hide inside you and you won't even know you're sick. And they'll stay like that for a while until they activate. And once they activate, they destroy you from the inside out, attacking every cell in your body. I think people are like that too sometimes, everything is fine until one day, something snaps and they make you sick and it's the kind that sick pills can't fix.
It's been about a month since we haven't seen each other, after finals I went to party after party to forget everything but I wasn't exactly in the best shape. Mentally, physically, emotionally. You showed up, and my heart sank. I didn't want to remember all the pain again. Suddenly, everything came rushing back and it sucks. I was standing in the corner, watching as other people enjoyed themselves. I did have fun, but of course you were there, and now I was freaking out. You came up and stood next to me. I didn't know if you were drunk or not, but screw it, it's the last day that I might see you, so why not take a chance? But I didn't. I was too shy, too self-conscious. I turned to look at you, a sentence clearly about to come out of my mouth- but something inside me stopped myself from making another mistake. You saw your friends at the other side of the room. As you were about to leave, you smiled. At me. You hoped that I didn't see it, but I did. I leaned back against the wall- missed opportunities. Something could've happened at that moment.
Summer break came and you went home to your state. I still can't get over the fact that I had a chance- and I blew it. I tried to hit you up one day and you responded. I never felt happier. It's like I was given a sudden burst of adrenaline. The conversation felt natural, comfortable. That was how it was supposed to be- two friends laughing over a joke or expressing opinions on a topic. You had to go, and I was again left there wanting more. I went on this emotional roller coaster ride yet again- going in circles, not going anywhere. I keep telling my friends that the feelings came back, and to which I got the same replies, "It'll go away soon." I don't have the heart to tell them that it won't. That'll be the day. When I'll be able to say that I'm happy without you. Until then, I don't know what to do and where to go from here.
They told me to pour my heart into everything I do. So that's what I did. I poured and poured and poured. Now they ask me why I'm so empty all I ever say to them is, "I heard that the best way to not have your heart broken is to pretend that you don't have one."
I don't have a heart, but why can I still feel it breaking?
YOU ARE READING
Open Letters to the One
PoetryA collection of letters that were written but never shared. The words come from a place of pure emotion.
