Open Letters to the One

Letter #7

I'm having a writer's block as I write this next letter. I feel like I have been thinking too much lately, and thinking didn't get me anywhere. I'm lost, confused and dazed. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm in the process of turning my heart back to stone again, just like the old times. Happiness in solitude. I was doing good way before I met you. Now, everything is a mess- my mental health, my emotions-they are all a mess. This process has got to be the worst one yet, but I know after this everything will get back to normal- but not really. I hate it when I'm trying to forget and you come and talk to me or respond to what I say. Please help me forget about you, please. Even when you're not doing anything, it's your scent. Whenever I smell it, I am brought back to a place of tranquility- how your cologne smells, how your hair smells, how your clothes smell- sickly sweet like bubblegum or floral like lavender or seductive like roses. 

I just want to move on from all the things that's keeping me from moving on. And you're not helping. Whenever I'm almost done forgetting you, you send mixed signals- and I don't know how to respond. Should I try again or not? And I hate myself for being such an indecisive person. Whenever I see you smile or laugh or just see you, it puts butterflies in my stomach. You make me feel things, you know? You turned this heart of stone into something different. And I've never allowed myself to feel before. I was numb until you came, and now I'm feeling all the feelings. 

I know I shouldn't force myself to write this because I clearly have no inspiration. But that's okay. I'm not disappointed anymore. I have accepted your imperfections, I have come to terms that I'll only like you from afar, accepted the fact that I'll be somewhere in the crowd cheering you on. I have loved the waves too much to run away when a storm is coming. I love you, and saying it out loud makes it more real than repeating it over and over in my head so many times. I have accepted everything. Just know that if I see you, my heart still beats for you, but I'll just push everything down; if you're happy, then I'm happy- even if it's with someone else.

I am at peace.